Slowing Down: The Ultimate Time Management

Today I took our 13 and 1/2 year-old dog, Penny for a walk through our neighborhood. For an old girl Penny can definitely trot right along with me at a pretty good clip most days, unless her arthritis is acting up. She even acts like an excited puppy when we bring her home a chew bone to devour. She will take it into her mouth and toss it over and over again in an attempt to get us to throw it and play tug-of-war with her. It's awfully cute and rarely can we resist her invitation to play. In other words, Penny is in good shape for her age and can play and jog with the best of them.

But today, for whatever reason, Penny took her sweet old time on our walk. This happens once in a while and every time it happens I am challenged to enjoy the slower pace rather than get frustrated by it. I should also mention that when I take Penny on a walk I am also taking myself on a walk--it's my exercise for the day. So when Penny is "pokey" it means that I have to slow down my pace, which means less of a workout for me. Today was a good test for me because it seemed that every 10 steps or so she found something new to sniff and we would stop to explore the area. Grrr.

Another thing I should mention is that Penny was not raised on a leash. She spent most of her youth on a farm with my husband, wandering the fields as he worked and roaming the countryside at her leisure. She's never really gotten the hang of this long rope-like thing attached to her neck, leading her around. Now that we live in a neighborhood with traffic and other dogs to navigate, her lack of experience with leash culture has become a bit more obvious. For example, we will be walking at a moderate pace on the "safe" side of the street (against traffic) and Penny, without warning, will tug mightily as she abruptly switches directions to cross the street. One minute we are walking peacefully and swiftly in a forward direction and then all of a sudden she pulls us in the opposite direction! It’s a bit unnerving to say the least. There have been times she's tugged so hard and fast that I barely have the time to tug her out of the way of an oncoming car. Yikes.

Anyways, today was one of those "slow" days. I guess if you have children you can relate. I was in the mood for a brisk jaunt, but I could tell right away that Penny had her own ideas--to sniff every inch of grass or ivy on her path. Admittedly, I was a bit annoyed at first, after all this was my walk, too! Stopping every 15 seconds was not going to burn off the chocolate I'd eaten for lunch, or the 4 slices of pepperoni pizza for that matter! But alas, there was no use resisting Penny's urge to sniff. Besides she's so dang cute, I just can't stay perturbed at her for long. Eventually I conceded (ok, so I did tug her away from a few spots of interest, but this was after at least a minute of waiting). For the most part, I surrendered. After all, it wasn't like I didn't have those 10 steps of briskness between each sniffing session. And Penny still jogged a bit here and there, sometimes for even longer than 10 steps. It was just more of a start-stop kind of thing, which in the past has a tendency to get on my nerves (just ask my husband).

Because of our slower pace today I can rattle off a list of natural sights, smells, and sensations that I noticed on our walk: the soft, pastel orange-yellow hue of the rhododendron flowers, the earthy smell of mulch that had recently been scattered on neighbors' lawns during their springtime gardening, and the warmth of the sun on my face and body as we meandered along a grassy patch on the side of the road. I don't think I would have relished any of these exquisite moments if it hadn't been for Penny. Or at least I would not have remembered them long enough to write about them. Sure, I've taken myself on walks before and noticed all sorts of beautiful things, but when I'm with Penny she helps me slow down and truly experience each precious discovery--like taking a snapshot of each bird or leaf or smell. Because Penny lives in the moment and enjoys each one so much, she helps me do the same. And as a human with a monkey mind for a brain--always planning for the future or ruminating on the past--I appreciate these bits of respite.

As I reflect on our walk today, I realize the range of emotions I found myself experiencing--from mild frustration to appreciation. I am grateful that I was aware enough to notice these subtle variations and that I was eventually able to make the choice to enjoy and appreciate Penny's "lessons." She’s a wise teacher; our pooch and I love her for it. Our walk was just a metaphor for life, really. At any moment we all have the ability to make a choice about the kind of experience we're having. And, of course, we are better able to make positive, self-affirming choices when we are well-rested, well-fed, and making time for our loved ones and ourselves. But it can be such a tricky balance and so inconsistent. One day we have awareness and the next we get impatient and try to rush things along just to get through the day.

About 4 years ago, I found myself on crutches after a knee injury. I didn't know Penny then, so I didn’t have her gentle reminders to guide me down the more “enlightened” path. I worked as a college counselor and my job entailed walking from building to building to make "house calls" to colleagues or to find resources for students. Doing my job on crutches was a real challenge, especially considering that previously I would race around campus mindlessly trying to zoom from one place to another to get as much done as possible. The crutches were a gift and I knew it, but boy, did I resist the experience! I was cranky about it for a long, long time until I finally made some adjustments (asking colleagues to come to me, giving myself extra time between appointments, etc.).

What if we didn't need a dog or an injury or our children to remind us to slow down? What if we just set up our lives that way with enough breathing room and with ample "pauses" between activities and goals and meetings? I haven't noticed that moving faster does anyone any good. I've lost people I love to the fast-paced life. It's a sad thing. But we can change the way we "do" our lives. We don't have to succumb to the addiction to getting as much done as quickly as possible. We can enjoy more love, more intimacy, and more beauty and brilliance if we just slow it all down a notch--or ten!

Celebrate Those Mistakes!

Here's some great wisdom that I recently learned about making mistakes: 1) Mistakes build awareness and awareness helps us figure out how we want to do it differently next time.

2) We are human and part of being human is making mistakes, therefore, "I reserve the right to be human." This is very freeing advice for me as I have always been very hard on myself for making mistakes. I'm not sure why, as I remember my dad sitting down with me when I was young and explaining to me that mistakes really are "ok" and a normal, natural part of life. Despite this loving advice, somewhere along the line I fell into the belief that making mistakes was wrong, bad, not allowed, which really is a bunch of hooey! How do we learn if we don't make mistakes? I will even argue that it's okay to make the same mistake twice, three times, or even twenty or hundred or a thousand times, because chances are that we really aren't making the same mistake but rather we are growing with each attempt-- even if it's in very small increments. Furthermore, we will keep making the same mistake until we "get it" on a visceral level. No one can teach us this. There are some lessons in life we must experience for ourselves in a deeply experiential, firsthand way in order to once and for all, change the belief, habit, pattern, etc. Remember that friend who kept dating the "bad boys" because she claimed all the nice guys were too boring? Everyone told her she deserved better, but it wasn't until she was sick and tired of the drama and heartbreak that she moved on to Mr. Nice Guy, who, by the way, is far from boring--he kisses like an italian lover, has smart, funny and interesting things to say, and actually cooks, cleans, and does laundry!

3) Celebrate your mistakes....and everything else in your life for that matter. And, by the way, this is not a bunch of superficial Norman Vincent Peale positive mental attitude brainwashing hoo-ha. This is the real deal. If we know we've made a mistake then we can celebrate the new awareness we have about how we want to "be" in the world differently. Maybe instead of beating ourselves up over it or, worse, denying it altogether as a means for preserving our fragile ego, we can say, "Wow! Look at that! I really want to do that differently next time. What is a goal I can set around this issue?" or "Cool. Another new awareness. I am really growing." What's the use of lashing ourselves with a wet noodle all day long? It's completely self-serving and doesn't help us move forward. Plus, it does a number on our self-esteem. This concept has helped me snap out of years of depression. I mean it. It's been that powerful!

I've found that when I make a daily practice of genuinely stepping back and taking a look at my life I can always find things to celebrate. It's about where I decide to put my attention--on all the stuff not working or all the stuff that is? It's similar to daily gratitude in that you make a practice of thinking, writing, and/or saying several things you appreciate about your life throughout each day. Here is an example of how I used this idea just this morning. Last night I had one of those fitful nights of sleep where I was tossing and turning all night long, up every hour, and cranky as hell. I woke up thinking, "There is no way I am going to work today! I'm tired. I'm cranky. And all I want to do is finish reading Keith Richards' biography in bed all day. Hrrumph!" Well, before I made any final decisions about my day, I made a choice of listing three things I could celebrate about my life. I don't remember what I listed, but it worked. Within minutes I was out of bed, getting my lunch ready to take to work. It also helped to repeat my life purpose a few times (btw, my life purpose is to be a creative, positive force in the world, inspiring people to be their best). I realized that going to work would be much more purposeful and exhilarating than lying in bed all day feeling sorry for myself. Indeed, I had a great day and really celebrated the time I spent with my students.

Equally as important, I did not deny that I was tired, rather I acknowledged that I was a bit groggy and, as a result, changed my lesson plan to adapt to my low energy and foggy brain. It turned out to be a lot more fun than the lecture I had originally planned. Ten minutes into class everyone was chatting and laughing and discussing up a storm. Good stuff. Oh, and another thing I recently learned is that bragging is a form of celebration. That's right, no need to play small to make other people feel better about themselves. Try it and see. Usually people will be inspired by your confidence. I am experimenting with this one more and more and it is a lot of fun. I haven't perfected the "celebrate your mistakes" part yet, but I suspect that it will have a similar affect as the concept of "Celebrate everything in your life" has had--magical!

4) Here's one that I learned several years ago. Sometimes when I just can't let go of a mistake and find that I am beating myself up over it I actually "rewrite" it in my mind. For example, that interaction with my student that didn't go so well? I imagine it going just the way I wished it had and then I decide to accept it as my new reality. I know this sounds loopy and maybe even like denial, but it saves your self-esteem and makes it much more likely that you will handle the next interaction in just the way you'd "wishfully" imagined it. Besides, if you believe in alternate universes, you've just stepped onto a different plane altogether where that old reality is--POOF!--non-existant.

If you don't believe in alternative universes then here is some helpful trivia: Our brain doesn't know the difference between yesterday, today or tomorrow, so why not trick it into believing that all was, is, and will be well? Researchers know that ruminating or obsessing over and over about a negative situation can lead to depression and stress. Reappraisal is when we step outside of the situation and look at it from an objective perspective--like we're in a movie theatre watching it on the big screen from the audience's perspective. When we think in this more detached way, our heart rate and respiratory rate slows and we feel less stress and a greater sense of well-being. In addition, reappraisal makes it more likely that we will respond in a more positive, rational way the next time we are confronted with a similar issue. This is because practicing objectivity in this way helps form new neural pathways from our prefrontal cortex (our rational brain) to our amygdala (the gland located in our limbic brain which is responsible for our "fight or flight" response). In other words, our prefrontal cortex is more likely to tell our amygdala to "Cool it" rather than let this irrational, reactive gland take over the show (remember all those times you let something hurtful or angry slip out of your mouth? You can blame the amygdala for your flagrant impulsivity). Take this whole concept a step further, and imagine a more pleasing outcome to that negative situation and you barely have to spend any time at all dwelling on what actually happened. All is well. You can put it to rest. You've imagined a new, more pleasing outcome! Tah dah!

5) Lastly, if you really have done damage to someone, you can make amends. I've noticed that when I apologize or say something like, "I don't like how I handled that, can we start over?" or "I'm really sorry for the pain I caused you. What can I do to make it up to you?" or "Can you forgive me for the pain I caused you?" it really promotes growth and forgiveness in the relationship. It shows humility to admit when you are wrong. Even if--and especially if-- you are in a position of authority. Family therapists will tell you that functional parents admit their mistakes and show a willingness to change their behavior. By doing this, they model humility for their children, making it possible for their kids to admit mistakes and make changes as needed. And who respects a leader or manager who won't admit their mistakes? Everyone can see they've messed up, so why not just admit it, set a goal, and move on? It models humility for everyone in the organization. All that said, this does not mean that you need to profusely apologize for your mistakes. One heartfelt apology will do. After all, we are all human, right? No need to keep punishing ourselves. Which leads me to my last point...

I think we are way too hard on ourselves as a society and, for that matter, way too hard on each other. I was listening to a show on NPR the other day about a defense attorney who represented death row inmates in Texas. He said that, while most of his clients are indeed guilty, 99% of them are not the same person they were when they committed their heinous crimes. In fact, he described a middle-aged inmate who had murdered a man when he was 19--a burglary gone wrong. The defense attorney stated that, having known the amount of soul searching and community service this man had done since his crime, he would have trusted the man enough to babysit his 5-year-old son alone--without hesitation. He submitted evidence from prison guards who witnessed this man's upstanding behavior on a daily basis, but to no avail. He was given lethal injection, despite evidence that he was a changed man. And we don't have to go to this extreme to see this lack of forgiveness in action. Just listen to people talk about their families, bosses, friends. It's hard to forgive people for their mistakes and to believe that they can grow and change. Instead, we punish them over and over for their "sins"--either outright or inside of our heads. I know this, because I've done it myself.

Our whole society seems structured around punishment. I see it in our educational system as well. We instructors are supposed to grade our students' performance in order for them to earn a degree. I can tell you from firsthand experience that most students do not look at these grades as useful feedback for ways they can learn and grow from their "mistakes." Just the opposite--they see them as either rewards (if the grade is to their liking)or punishment (anything less than this). It's very sad to watch. The whole point of education--learning for the sake of learning--has been lost in this reward and punishment system.

Here's my point..... Let's give ourselves a break, huh? Neither punishment nor denial helps us learn from our mistakes and grow into more enlightened people. If we give ourselves permission to be human, ironically enough, we experience more freedom and, as a result, we are less likely to make the same mistakes over and over again because we are looking forward instead of backward. Ever try driving down the freeway while constantly looking in your rearview mirror? Forgiveness is a powerful force....and definitely something to celebrate!

Falling Awake

Over the weekend my husband and I attended Falling Awake-- a transformational personal growth workshop facilitated by a cool dude named, Dave Ellis. Dave has coached some of the most powerful people in the world, including Nobel Peace Prize winner, Muhammad Yunus and author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series, Jack Canfield. He presented 13 Success Strategies throughout the weekend and gave us plenty of chances to practice them, write about them, and talk about what we learned. One of the many concepts we learned was about letting go of antagonism--even antagonistic (aka, sarcastic) humor. Dave suggested that in any life or relationship struggle, try standing in the other person's shoes and express to them what you think they're saying rather than trying to convince them how right you are. Dave went one step further by suggesting we let go of antagonism towards ourselves and our lives altogether, by "loving it all, " that is, letting go of resistance and attachment to whatever is happening. Love the criticism your friend just expressed, love the traffic jam, love the credit card debt. What we resist, persists, right?

My yoga instructor uses the metaphor of accepting one's place in the river, rather than swimming upstream or yearning to be downstream. Buddhism advises that we let go of our attachment to desire rather than grasping at it. It's been said in many different ways, but the message is the same--let go, relax, accept what is, stop resisting. We've all heard this before, but it's one thing to hear it and another thing to practice it.

In addition to letting go of antagonism, we learned how to "Listen for Brilliance." Basically, this means listening without asking questions, giving advice, or piggy-backing ("Oh, you broke your leg? Well let me tell you all about how I broke my leg in the summer of '85"). You simply listen for the brilliance in the other person by encouraging them to say more via your inviting nonverbal communication (head nodding, smiling, wide-eyed interest) or by prompting them verbally with expressions like "Really?", "Tell me more" and the like. No fixing, directing or interrupting. After doing several listening-for-brilliance exercises with other peeps in the workshop, a participant described her experience this way, "When I listen for content, I become critical. When I listen for brilliance I listen with compassion." Many participants expressed this in so many words. It seems that when we stopped busying ourselves with fixing or directing or reflecting, we stopped listening with our heads and started listening with our hearts. Powerful stuff.

Dave described how all of us have grown up in an antagonistic culture; a culture that loves to debate, argue, and prove how right we are. Listening, in my opinion, is a revolutionary (and, at first, difficult) act. It takes a lot of presence. However, as my husband and I practiced this skill over dinner one night after one of the workshop days, we realized how relaxing, rich, and beneficial it can be. I am a chronic-interrupter, but during dinner I practiced zipping my lip and letting my husband finish his thoughts. I was amazed by how much more I learned about my husband in just an hour! It almost felt like we were dating again--when we'd have those 3-hour phone conversations, late into the night and we'd hang up all excited for the next time we got to talk.

Throughout the workshop, as we practiced the skill of "Listening for Brilliance," I also realized that being on the other end of this kind of listening was incredibly freeing...and revealing. When I felt someone was truly listening I found my own answers to questions or problems, and felt much more centered and articulate. I remembered how many times in my conversations with family, friends, and co-workers I was interrupted, given unsolicited advice or felt like the person was losing interest in what I was saying. Because of this, I tried to hurry through what I was saying such that my original message became warped and convoluted. This "new" way of listening felt incredible. I got to relax into what I was trying to express, and likewise, as the listener, I let go of my agenda and just relaxed into what the other person was saying. It was actually a relief not to feel the pressure of having to say something wise or smart or helpful.

In my last post I talked about letting go of unrealistic expectations. When I did this, I stopped resisting--my husband, my students, my supervisor, the guy who ran a stop sign and almost rammed into my car. I've practiced this for over a week now and it's felt great! I've laughed more with my students than I ever have. I don't get stuck on their level of attention or hooked by their bouts of side-talking and I praise them more generously, listen to them more readily, and, guess what? I am experiencing much less resistance and antagonism from them--actually none-- and am noticing a lot more joy, laughter, and curiosity in the classroom. I'm actually rediscovering my joy for teaching. It feels awesome! As for my husband, when I listen to him deeply, he responds with warmth, more expression and compassion, and lot's of love. Yum! I suspect that the next time he wants to advise me on what temperature to cook the chicken, if I listen to him and don't resist, I may even feel supported by this gesture! Not always maybe, but it's quite possible that if I let go more, and resist less I will be less apt to feel like he is interfering or criticizing and more like he just wants to help out. Aaaah! Peace in the kitchen, once again....and with the man I love--even better. Wahoo!

Managing Expectations

Lately, I've been having some great explorations with a wonderful mentor of mine (we'll call him "Jim") about expectations . I am a teacher of college-age students. I am a wife of a grown man. I am a friend, a daughter, a sister. My mentor has reminded me that everyone is really just a big kid walking around this earth who is still discovering him/herself, still making mistakes, and still testing boundaries and behaving immaturely at times. After considering this perspective, I've realized that my expectations of others are too high and, therefore, causing me undue stress and frustration. It's time for a shift.

There are many areas of my life where my expectations cause problems. One example is in the classroom. The other day I was telling Jim how frustrating it is when my students cross-talk or text while I am talking or lecturing in class, especially after I've explained that listening is a "classroom agreement," and especially because they are adults and they should know better (there's a reason I don't teach high school). Hrrumph! He looked at me warmly but skeptically and said, "So, you expect there to be absolutely no cross-talking or texting during class?" I nodded. And I should add that I nodded vehemently, with a " yur-darned-right" forcefulness. He continued, "We are social beings; we flirt, chat, laugh. It's just who we are. You're expecting a lot, Margaret." Because he said it in such a kind-hearted way, and because he knows me so well, I really took that in. I thought about it for a few moments and responded, "Hmmm. Maybe you're right." And then I smiled and thought about all the times I'd chatted with a fellow student in class as a high school, college, and graduate student (as for texting, thank goodness there was no such thing as texting back in the late 80's and 90's, because I would have been obsessively texting various love interests and friends throughout all my classes). I cared about what I was learning but because I, too, was and am a social being, I reached out even though it may not have been the most appropriate time to do so. I never thought about how my teacher felt about it or how she/he or other students may have been affected. I was a student, for heaven sakes and the world revolved around me, right? So, Jim and I talked about prioritizing expectations-- which classroom agreements, for example, do I really want to ask my students to keep and which ones are just suggestions, and which ones could I let go of altogether? It was really good food for thought, and even better, I felt calmed by the thought of not having to be such a drill-sargent all the time. I also realized that there are some behaviors--like texting--that really aren't acceptable to me. Getting clear about my bottom line felt really powerful.

As I said, my high expectations also rear their head in other areas of my life. My relationships for example---with my husband, my friends, my family, my supervisors. I expect my husband to be stable and kind even when I'm hitting below the belt; my parents never to make mistakes; my friends to always be compassionate and loving; my supervisors to treat me with the utmost respect at all times, regardless of how much work they have piled on their plate. Tall orders! I am just setting myself up to be disappointed and victimized time and time again. Not only that, but I set myself up to be a huge hypocrite!

This brings me to the subject of boundaries. Now I will admit that even though I am a psychology instructor and a former counselor, there are times when I suck at boundaries! During conflict, for example, I either have no walls or I build huge fortresses to protect myself. Pia Mellody, in her book, The Intimacy Factor, describes this phenomenon in terms of containment. She explains that, "...when we become boundaryless, we allow in too much from another person or send out too much from ourselves...on the other hand, when there is too much containment, we protect the self so carefully that nothing reaches us." Having unrealistic expectations is one thing, having no expectations is another. Boundaries seem to help one navigate this balancing act.

As Jim and I explored this idea of boundaries and expectations more deeply, he explained that we can ask people for what we want (or expect) calmly and succinctly without lecturing, over-explaining or emoting. He reminded me that doing any of the latter with adolescents (or adults acting like adolescents) will get me nowhere fast--I will immediately lose their attention, their respect and that antagonism I referred to earlier? Well, I should expect huge doses of it to come my way! If someone doesn't do what we want or expect then we have a decision to make--either set consequences ("If you don't eat all your vegetables, you can't have dessert") or let go of the want or expectation altogether ("Most kids hate vegetables so maybe I'll find a more creative, less combative way to make sure he get's his veggies"). Maybe the expectation was even a reasonable one (no texting when we're trying to spend quality time together), but if we keep hammering away at it, it will only turn into a power struggle. Best to let it be (chat with the waiter, or turn on the radio when the texting starts) or make another choice like simply not hanging out with the person anymore if they don't seem to be able to give us more of their attention. And we can communicate this without drama, anger, or lecturing. We simply make a choice rather than a demand. How empowering!

Having high expectations, I've realized, sets up a "me-against-you" dynamic; an antagonistic relationship from the "get-go" which can create strife in relationships with coworkers, students, lovers, family members, business partners, etc. I think my mentor was right when he said, "Once you come off as demanding and authoritarian they [my students, my husband, etc.] are going to see you as the parent, and then their going to start projecting all their " kid stuff" onto you." Think about it, do you really want your employees, your spouse, or your friends, throwing tantrums, whining, and rebelling? Yuck. I sure don't. In fact, I've had this happen more times than I'd care to remember. And if it's true what Jim says--that we are all kids and that I should look at my students, supervisors, husband, family and friends as kids rather than adults "who should know better--" my life would be a lot easier! If I could look at every adult who crosses my path as just a kid who is still learning and growing and trying to figure it out I would probably have a lot more compassion for them and, therefore, cut them a lot more slack, and, as a result, experience a lot less disappointment, frustration, and conflict.

So, the next time my husband feels the urge to open the oven door or check under the lid of a pan of boiling water and give me advice about what temperature to cook the chicken or the pasta or the whatever, I can calmly, kindly let him know that I've got it under control and that it would be really good for me to spend some alone time in the kitchen. Calmly, directly, without a fuss, without anger. Aaaah. There is peace in the kitchen once again, and without a tantrum, fight, or the silent treatment. Hallelujah!

When Life is Hard---Get Off It!!!

I remember attending a personal growth workshop about ten years ago in which the facilitator talked about "getting off it." What I understood him to mean by this phrase was, when you've tried everything to make something work and it still isn't going the way you want it to, let go, take the leap, surrender.

That's the lesson I am learning in my life right now. So many different aspects of my life feel like they are crumbling before my eyes--relationships, old beliefs, identities, possessions, career direction, health. This is a year full of big change, according to astrological predictions. It's also a year of following one's heart and true desires. As I face what seems like huge obstacles in my life right now, I still take time each day to commune with my inner guidance, that soft inner voice of intuition--my heart. It is yearning for change, but that doesn't mean it will come easily. Change is scary because we don't know if there will be a soft place to land when we take the leap off the cliff. But sometimes the cliff has become so intolerable that we see no other choice. Ultimately, I must listen to my heart's yearnings and follow them step-by-step, no matter how scary taking those steps is.

So, today, I am going to try to let go, surrender, stop trying so hard, stop blaming myself and simply "get off it." Maybe the very efforts I've been making --doing all the "right" things---are the exact things that have kept me stuck.

Let go, let God. Surrender. Take the leap. Be the witness. Stand in the eye of the storm. All phrases to convey the idea that putting in anymore effort will not help and to stop doing what doesn't work--in fact, stop doing....period!

I was meditating the other day, sitting in my chair, candle lit, just "being with" what I was feeling in my body, the thoughts I was thinking, the longings in my heart. Now I realize that this could be what "getting off it" means---just being, without grasping or holding or trying. It was a beautiful moment and a peaceful one.

Healing Hashimoto's (or any chronic disease): Listen to Yourself!

The message in this post is short and simple. And I'm not going to make you read the whole thing before you get this message loud and clear: Listen to yourself and your body, no matter what other people say!!!!!

Lately--as you may have read in my previous post--I've experienced a relapse. I went to the doctor three days ago and my latest blood test results confirmed this. My hormone levels have dropped in half since a year ago. In addition, my neurotransmitters have improved but are still quite out of balance---especially my serotonin levels (serotonin is our "feel good" neurotransmitter), and my adrenals are still pooped. I trust my doctor completely, especially because I was very skeptical at first. I was fed up with feeling like crap and was on the verge of going on anti-depressants. She was the fourth practitioner I'd seen in a year. So, I did my research and came to my first half-dozen appointments with a long list of questions. She spent a lot of time with me explaining things. So, this alone built trust. More importantly, however, she's been down the road I've been on. She was diagnosed with Hashimoto's several years ago and tried the Western medicine path to no avail (they just prescribed drugs which didn't get to the core of the problem). So, she went to see a naturopath. Did I mention my doctor is an M.D.? To be brief, her naturopath helped her heal. She still experiences symptoms from time to time during flare-ups, but she is a total convert to integrative medicine. Lastly, my doctor is smart! She sees the big picture of healing. At each appointment she asks me questions not only about my physical symptoms but questions about how my relationship with my husband is going (we are newly married), whether or not I'm exercising, how I'm eating. There is more and more scientific research supporting a holistic approach to healing chronic disease (I highly recommend reading David Servan-Schreiber's book, Anti-Cancer: A New Way of Life for more details on the latest studies being conducted on this). She tries natural approaches first and rarely prescribes medication. The reason for this? She's seen the results of the natural approach! It's as simple as that.

So, like I said, I trust my doctor. I trust my treatment plan. I am fully committed to feeling well. I go to yoga 2-3 times a week. I eat a Paleolithic diet (high protein, a lot of vegetables and no grains). I walk every day. I meditate every day. I see a therapist for emotional support. I'm not saying I always do it perfectly (wine and chocolate are my friends), but I am taking noble steps toward getting better. In other words, I am a dream patient!!!! I am totally committed to the healing process! More importantly, I have experienced feeling better, so I trust that what I'm doing is working which motivates me to do all that I can do to heal. But the healing process is not a straight upward progression, there are peaks and valleys. And the body is complex, so addressing all the layers of what's happening can be tricky and complicated. This means that a pill or pills will not "cure" what ails me. It's a process. Do we really think we can cure a health issue that's been building for 40 years in 3 months? We are such an instant gratification kind of society that it's hard for us to come to terms with the fact that healing involves a process not just a pill. And believe me, if I believed a pill would do the trick, my medicine cabinet would be full! But the research I've done suggests that it takes more than this to heal.

You can see why then, I get annoyed when I share my challenges with friends and colleagues and some of them give me off-the-cuff advice like, "Why don't you just go on meds so you can feel better?!!" or "Are you sure you don't want to try anti-depressants?" or "Have you tried such and such?" Ok folks, enough! I try to have compassion for these types of responses. I'm sure they are only trying to help. I can empathize with the fact that watching your loved one suffer can be painful, and that all you really want to do is try to help them fix it so that they no longer suffer. I can also understand that they may be uncomfortable with hearing someone be real about their health challenges. Or maybe they just have a different idea of what "healing" or "curing" looks like. I often run into people who think that integrative or alternative medicine is a bunch of new-age hooey. They live by the Western medicine paradigm. If they read David Servan-Schreiber's book they might change their view. He strictly believed that Western medicine was the saving grace for any illness until he was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor and experienced a relapse after the standard western approach failed. He ended up using a combination of chemotherapy, dietary and lifestyle changes, meditation, and psychotherapy to help heal his cancer. We tend to believe what we can see, which often means that if there is no scientific research to back it up, then there is no validity to the method. Dr. Mahmut Oz says that there is a gradual movement toward devoting more money toward research on alternative healing methods, but thus far, not many people have wanted to invest in it, therefore there is not a lot of research to support it. But that doesn't mean it doesn't work. Shamans, Tibetans, the Vedics, Native Americans, all of these indigenous cultures have practiced "alternative" healing, often with great success. But that's another blog post.

The reason the off-the-cuff responses are so frustrating to me is that, in my perception, these folks are offering advice that 1) I haven't asked for, 2) is based on a lack of in-depth knowledge about the exact nature of my health issues, and 3) is given without knowing what I've already tried, what has or hasn't worked, and what my treatment plan is now. Believe me, I will ask you for your suggestions if 1) my doctor runs out of ideas, 2) if what I've tried doesn't end up working, or 3) if you have just read cutting edge research that I haven't read already.

So, please people, if you have friends and loved ones who struggle with chronic illness do your research, ask them questions, support them with your awesome listening and empathizing skills but do not give advice unless it is invited! Receiving unsolicited advice when you are already feeling like you're doing everything in your power to improve your health feels like a slap in the face. It doesn't acknowledge what you've already tried and the progress you've made to that point. This may just be my perception so consider it, talk with your loved ones and see how they feel about it. Maybe they feel really supported by your advice because they hadn't thought of your suggestions before. It's just that in my case, I spend about 60-70% of time doing research, talking to my doctors, reading books, listening to my body, and following my treatment plan. I know what I'm doing, I just need encouragement and love and a listening ear when I'm feeling fed up.

That said, I do have people in my life who I feel are very supportive--colleagues, friends, family, my husband, my yoga teacher, my therapist. The best support I receive is when someone simply listens, tries to understand what I'm experiencing, and offers warmth and encouragement. Maybe they can even relate to the challenges I'm facing so I don't feel so alone in the whole deal. In any case, as a recovering advice-giver myself, I understand the urge, but now I'm realizing how little help it truly provides to someone who is struggling.

I know my body well. And I trust my doctor. Most of all, I trust myself and the path that I've taken to get to where I am. The bottom line is that when I take time to listen to my body and myself, there's always new wisdom and guidance revealed about my next step to healing. And I have a smart, supportive doctor to help me with the details. What more do I need? A listening ear, an open heart, and a shoulder to lean on, that's what. Getting healthy and being happy is not automatic. Sometimes we have to work at it---some of us more than others. We need each other---not what's in our heads, but what's in our hearts. That's the good stuff. And that's what helps us heal. So, if you struggle with chronic illness, I'm going to give you some unsolicited advice (remember, I'm a recovering advice-giver): Consider your doctor's advice, the latest research, your loved ones' concerns, but most of all, listen to yourself and your body.

I should also add, that medication (aka, a pill) does indeed help many people. I don't want to sound like I am totally against Western medicine and what it has to offer. Some folks find anti-depressants, for example, to be very useful in taming their symptoms--some for the long-term (years) and some for a shorter period of time like 6mo to a year. I don't want to minimize the dramatic effects some folks experience when they take these medicines. To each his own. It's just that for me, in my case, the problem is much more multi-dimensional. So, back to my advice: Listen to yourself! If meds help you, then by all means take them! If they don't, then explore what works for you. No one can tell you how to heal. They can offer information, suggestions, etc. but you are the one inhabiting your body. I've found that as I get more and more in touch with my body's responses to different choices I make, foods I eat, types of exercise in which I engage, the more I can rely on it to guide me in the right direction.

I invite you to listen and learn and see what you discover.

Autoimmune Disease: Dealing with Relapse

Over the past few months I've been feeling more vitality in my day-to-day life. However, with increased work demands, financial limitations, and, as a result, less money for yoga, I've experienced a relapse in my health. It's disappointing to say the least, but as a psychology instructor who teaches about change and relapse, I should know better, right? Wrong! It's a whole other ballgame when it hits so close to home.

A little over a week ago, I had a more intense teaching schedule than usual. Now, I should mention that "intense" for me is very different from my colleagues' definition of the word. One of my colleagues is around my age and is currently teaching 6 1/2 classes! I am teaching 3 1/2. But when you have an autoimmune disease of which fatigue is one of the primary symptoms, it doesn't take much to tip you over the edge. I should also mention that one of the classes I was teaching that week consisted of ten hours of teaching over two days--2 1/2 hours on Friday and 8 hours on Saturday. It's tiring even when you don't have a chronic illness. I was actually feeling pretty energetic and upbeat going into Friday's class, but I could tell that I wasn't as excited to teach as I usually am. I just didn't have the usual va-va-voom energy. But I got through the class with flying colors---aka, no one ran out of the room screaming, many students thanked me for a fun and informative class, and I felt good about the job I'd done.

That evening, however, I was pooped. I ended up going to bed at 9pm and waking up the next morning at 9am. Yes folks, that's a 12-hour night of sleep. Now, before you get jealous and start wishing you had the freedom to sleep so long, realize that even 12 hours of sleep didn't cure my deep exhaustion. I'd worked Friday evening to Saturday evening, slept 12 hours, proceeded to spend the day with my husband's parents (we had a great time, by the way), and felt pretty good when I hit the pillow. But, when Monday morning came around, it felt like someone hit me over the head with a baseball bat. I dragged myself out of bed and into work, however, after teaching my first class I was even more exhausted. I decided to head home. I ended up taking the rest of the week off--6 days off, to be exact.

The following Saturday I pulled a 13-hour night of sleep. Again, I know you are thinking, "So, what is your problem? I'm lucky if I get 6 hours a night with the baby crying, my kids waking me up at dawn, and my insomnia kicking in at all hours of the night". But again, let me explain. You think that 6 days off cured my exhaustion? Not quite. Obviously, by Saturday I was bushed...again. How did this happen? Every day that week I took time to read, relax, nap, eat good food, take light walks, stretch, meditate, take deep breaths. You'd think with a schedule like that I'd be good to go!

Well, admittedly, I did feel better today (Monday) when I woke up. I actually felt pretty energetic after teaching both of my classes. But I was miffed that it took me more than 6 days of relaxation and 7 nights of luxurious sleep to get there!

After some frustration, tears, and fear that I would never "feel like myself again"--read that as, having the energy to drive across town on any given day to run arrends, enjoy the company of friends, see a movie, go to an art show, or take a walk--I came to a realization: What if I never feel like myself again? Would that be so bad? Would days filled with relaxation, yoga, less teaching and more writing, having friends over more often, and sticking close to home to read a book or enjoy our garden or spend time cuddling with my husband be such a bad life? Hmmm. What exactly am I complaining about again?

I will tell you what (oh, did you think I was going to get all enlightened on you? Well, hold on, I'm getting there)! I'm complaining about the fact that I can't be the woman I used to be. That is, I can't fit as many tasks into a day; I can't go out to as many parties or bars or art shows or music shows in a week; I can't teach as many students or grade as many papers; I can't work out at the gym for an hour each day; I can't drink multiple glasses of wine or eat sugary desserts; I can't multi-task or people-please or be highly productive. Hmmmm.....again I ask, what exactly am I complaining about?

It is an adjustment, this new level of energy. I certainly won't deny that there have been growing pains, resistance, temper-tantrums, and tears. My identity my whole life has been one of "do-er" extraordinaire! I am a strong, kick-ass woman who can lift anything, do anything, get anything done you need doing! But those days may be over forever and it's time I accepted it. It is a new era of putting myself first without being self-centered; spending time with friends on my own terms while still extending a helping hand and a compassionate heart; exercising without overdoing it; serving my students while remaining calm, peaceful, grounded, and relaxed. It's about doing things differently. Doing less, being more and when I find myself needing to "do", doing in a way that is sustainable to my body, mind, heart and soul. End of story.

So, have I been feeling sorry for myself? Hell, yes! Will I in the future? Probably! But what if I just let go, surrendered, accepted my place in the river of life right where I am? I am aware that the people who new me as the old Margaret may not "get it" or even want the new me. This is scary, but, at the same time, freeing! Who will I attract to the me now? Maybe people who really "get" the new Margaret!! Hey, sounds pretty good! I am also aware that I may not be able to bring in as much money as I once could by working more hours, but hey, if I follow my heart, how can I not attract abundance? Like attracts like, right?

I am feeling challenged these days, but I am hopeful. Lately, my days have brought extreme neck and shoulder pain, the heaviness of exhaustion, irritability about the smallest things (oh, my poor husband), impatience at having to take things so slowly, and frustration that I don't have as much vitality as I'd like to have. My fuse is short. My sleeping hours are long. My time with friends is less frequent. My need to slip into bed and read a book in the middle of the afternoon, more frequent. You get the drift. I'm in transition and sometimes I am kicking and screaming my way through all the changes. But, when I get quiet, when I take the time to slow down and rest, I hear my inner voice of wisdom guiding me along the path. I trust that voice with all my heart. I really do. It wouldn't lead me down a path that didn't have some gifts awaiting me. Just because many of my fellow humans are still traveling at the speed of sound does not mean that I need to, and it doesn't make them or me right or wrong. It's just my time to slow it down...big time! And why not enjoy those slow, innocent kiddie rides again? I've spent most of my life whirling on those roller coasters. It's time to get off and take it easy.

All that said, my neck is sore, my stomach hungry, my mind tired. I think I'll lay down now and take a big, 'ol nap!! Sleep tight!