Making Decisions from a New Paradigm

I recently spoke with an Ayurvedic healer; a very wise man with intense blue eyes that look past false exteriors, and stare you down until you offer up nothing but the truth. It's unnerving, really, but also a relief. My "look good" doesn't work on him and I don't want it to. I'm here for some major healing and I'm tired of getting in my own way. I need someone smarter than my lie-telling, crazy-making, pessimistic mind to guide me toward what's going to pump some passion and energy back into my being and my life.

So, he sits me down, looks at me intently (see above) and asks me if I have any questions before we start. I pour my heart out, cry a little, and then say, "No, I don't have any questions but I thought I better give you some background about why I'm so miserable" or something along those lines. He only looks at me and calmly says, "Yes. That's good." He asks me a few more questions and I answer, telling him about how I want to quit my job but don't have the money to do it yet, how I struggle to know my purpose in life, and how I'm too exhausted most of the time to give anything of value to the world. He listens and asks a few more questions then begins to talk.

He explains that Ayurveda considers three elements of a person: the soul, the mind, and the body. The soul is our true essence, the mind is our conditioning, and the body is what tells us whether we're listening to our mind or our soul. In other words, our body is the vehicle for us to realign with our soul. It gives us signals or symptoms for getting back on track. He explained to me that by looking at me he could tell that my body is very strong and can work hard for long periods of time before tiring. He suggested that my body was attacking my thyroid because that was the only way to get me to slow down. If my thyroid couldn't produce more hormones for more activity then I would have to rest. Brilliant! My body is telling me to slow down! He continued by telling me that if I can learn to move through my life in a relaxed state rather than in a hyper-aroused(aka, fight or flight) state, then my body would be able to heal itself.

I heard recently that 95% of all diseases are caused by stress. I'm not surprised. Lately, I've been using a heart rate monitor to gauge my level of stress. I walk around the house, walk our dog, cook dinner and watch my heart rate go up and down. When I am in my body, walking slowly, breathing deeply I watch my heart rate drop. When I am in my head, worrying about the next thing on my "to-do" list, moving at a fast pace, forgetting to breathe, I watch my heart rate go up. It can change in seconds which just goes to show how powerful our minds are. At any given moment we can choose a thought and that thought can lead to a slowing or hastening of our heart beat.

It hasn't been easy, but I've turned down extra work (which means extra money), alluring social invitations, and calls for help from friends who are used to my support. I've also stayed away from intense gym workouts and weight lifting sessions and opted for restorative yoga classes and light walks instead. I've focused on making lunch my biggest meal of the day in order to support healthier digestion and I've made cooking more of a priority. I try to go to bed around the same time each night and wake up around the same time each morning (this has been my biggest challenge). It's all a work in progress so I can't say that I am feeling dramatically better. However, it feels good to put myself first for a change rather than giving in to the external pressures of friends and work and "to do" lists. I've had to shift some core beliefs (like the one about my work defining who I am), shake off fears (of friends ditching me or running out of money), and really accept my body as it is (rather than obsessively trying to shed the extra pounds). It's truly a paradigm shift--a complete turn-around from my longstanding belief system. But, it feels good--empowering---and that's a start, right?

Hashimoto's Disease and The Path to Healing

It has been awhile since I've posted. I've been absorbing a lot of incoming information since being diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease about two months ago. Hashimoto's (aka, "Harry Schmoto's, as a friend of mine likes to call it) or thyroiditis, is an autoimmune disease affecting thyroid function. It is one of the most common causes of hypothyroidism and fortunately, quite treatable. Basically, the body attacks the tissues of the thyroid, causing symptoms of an underactive (depression, weight gain, fatigue) and overactive (anxiety, insomnia, weight loss, heart palpatations) thyroid intermittently. My diagnosis is a huge relief as I have been struggling with alternating periods of anxiety and depression over the past few years--a lot of peaks and valleys without much of an even ground. Now I realize that I'm not off my rocker, I'm just dealing with an endocrine system that is out of balance.

While, yes, it is a relief to know what's happening, it is also a bit overwhelming as there is so much information out there to sift through and many different treatment protocols, depending on what doctor you talk to or what research you read. The more I learn about the thyroid and the healing process of this disease, the more complicated it feels. But alas, I have a great team of healers on my side, guiding and encouraging me. I am seeing an ND, an MD, and recently sought advice from an Ayurvedic practitioner. I've also emailed several friends of mine who are naturopaths and they have been gracious enough to give me friendly advice free of charge. In addition, I am reading a very enlightening book by Dr. Datis Kharrazian called Why Do I Still Have Thyroid Symptoms? While it does contain a lot of information--some of it confusing scientific terminology--it has helped my understanding of the disease and how to treat it naturally.

This onslaught of incoming information is certainly exercising my muscles of discernment. One doctor says this, another says that. Sometimes they agree, sometimes they disagree. Ultimately, what I've decided to do is try out different ideas and see which feels better. For example, my MD suggests that I eat six small meals a day to maintain healthy blood sugar levels, while my Ayurvedic practitioner says that eating three meals a day (a light breakfast, good-sized lunch, and healthy dinner) better enables my digestive tract to heal. I like the three meals a day plus a snack. My MD reiterates, at each visit, the importance of balancing my adrenals, while a chiropractor on the web prioritizes detoxing the GI tract of parasites and yeast. I'm focusing on both by eating regularly throughout the day, practicing deep breathing, and taking probiotics. Needless to say, it's easier and far more reassuring when the advice overlaps. My ND tells me to work on "stress management" and my Ayurvedic practitioner spends an hour teaching me deep breathing exercises. The advice I received from both my ND and MD was to go gluten-free. Likewise, my three naturopathic friends confirmed that they'd seen patients benefit from removing gluten from their diet. As an aside, supposedly the molecular structure of gluten resembles that of the thyroid gland. For those patients with Hashimoto's disease, eating gluten triggers an autoimmune response in the body which heightens the symptoms of the disorder (Kharrazian, 2010).

In a nutshell, what I've discovered so far, from my reading, my consulting, and my appointments with various healers is that the endocrine system (of which the thyroid is a part) is intricately connected and dependent on other systems in the body. An example of this is the the nervous system. A calm nervous system leads to healthy digestion and therefore, prevents overtaxed adrenal glands and an overactive inflammatory response. More specifically, when our sympathetic nervous system (aka, "fight or flight") runs the show, it actually subdues or shuts down digestion (after all, who needs to digest food when you're fighting or running away from a sabre tooth tiger) which causes the adrenals to pump out cortisol. This triggers the autoimmune (or inflammatory) response which causes the body to attack the tissues of the thyroid. An inefficient digestive system can cause all sorts of problems from neurotransmitter depletion to "leaky gut". In fact, the largest producer of serotonin is not in the brain but in the GI tract (www.drkaslow.com). "Leaky gut" happens when damage to the intestinal lining causes intestinal permeability which, in turn, allows partially digested food, bacteria, and waste to be released into the bloodstream. This triggers an inflammatory response in the body (www.drweil.com).

Phew! See? There's a lot of information to synthesize and make sense out of. It's been frustrating not having a clearly marked path of healing to follow. It's also been disheartening to feel crummy more days than not even though I've made dietary and lifestyle changes. But it's early in the healing process and, again, there is no black and white, "magic" path. I ran into a woman at the grocery store the other day who said it took her 14 months to feel better once she changed her diet. That's not to say it will take me that long, but it was comforting to hear her story because it reminded me to stoke the fires of faith and patience--two key ingredients for calming the nervous system! If I'm constantly worrying about what supplements to take, what foods to eat, how much to exercise, how often to rest, I'm going to create more anxiety and thus more stress in my body which will trigger the autoimmune response. It would almost be better to peacefully, quietly eat a chocolate chip cookie while breathing deeply afterwards than to worry about every little thing I put into my mouth and what it will do to my body. Eating the cookie sounds like a lot more fun and it doesn't cause the domino effect of the autoimmune response. Eh hem, to be clear, I am not suggesting that people eat more cookies. However, Ayurvedic philosophy suggests that how you eat (chewing slowly in a peaceful environment) is more important than what you eat. Hmmm....something to ponder.

It's funny, the behavior that got me into this mess in the first place was that Type A, high-achiever attitude that wants to "fix" things, perfect one's performance, please others, and do whatever it takes to win, succeed, be healthy, etc. What I'm realizing first hand from this diagnosis is that being (the term my yoga teacher uses often) is the door to health: taking baths, deeply breathing as I take my dog on a walk, feeling my body in the yoga poses instead of reciting my "to do" list, noticing hunger in my body and then eating slowly and chewing my food thoroughly, or feeling my chest tighten when I'm feeling angry or scared or sad. These kinds of activities are antithetical to the persona of "athlete", "heroine", "warrioress" with which I used to identify so closely. It's not easy to remember to "be" instead of "do", but when I do remember, I feel so much better.

One of the best pieces of advice I've received recently is from one of my naturopathic friends, "Be happy, focus on health and vitality and don't worry about...(insert a list of issues that I was concerned about)." Underline the word "be".

P.S. I'm realizing that while taking care of myself is really important, things like teaching my students, listening to my husband, reading and spending time with friends, also help me get out of my head and remember that there is a whole world out there! It's a fine balance between self-love and self-absorption. A dear mentor of mine taught me a very useful affirmation, "I am not my body." Right now, he is living with Parkinson's disease and, yet, he has not abandoned this affirmation. Go Matt! I have another friend who is fighting cancer. She manages to keep a sense of humor even when she's faced with one diagnosis after the next. Her body may be frail right now, but her spirit is still robust and strong. Go Kath!!! Caroline Myss is another inspiration to me. Her book, Anatomy of the Spirit, relates countless stories of people who live with physical disease in their bodies but their spirits are still going strong. Grieving and feeling are certainly part of the process, empathy and encouragement from loved ones is a necessity, but I'm re-realizing that also vital to the path to healing and vibrant health, is strength of spirit.

Just when you want to give up....

It was my birthday last week. It was a hot, muggy day so my husband and I decided to drive up to the mountains and swim in this beautiful little lake we'd heard wonderful things about. We were excited. We hadn't been in the mountains yet this summer and were excited about going swimming in natural, peaceful surroundings (versus a chlorine-filled, concrete pool!). We jumped in the car at 5:30pm (after my husband got off work), jumped onto the freeway, and proceeded to sit in traffic for over an hour. We started getting frustrated and cranky from the heat and stalled traffic. Then I--determined not to let it get me down on my birthday--started making jokes, talking about how great the lake was going to feel, and challenged my husband and myself to start "intending" that the traffic would open up and start flowing at a 55mph pace again. It took about 15 minutes from the time we set our intention, but the traffic did part like the Red Sea (well, maybe not THAT dramatic, but it did start flowing nicely). We were once again excited about our adventure!

About an hour later, after following our very meager directions to the pristine alpine lake we'd heard so much about, we started losing hope. Where is Forest Road 57? Did we pass it? We had no landmarks, no mileage markers, no nothing to tell us if we were close or not. Where the heck is it? I remembered the power of intention again and started intending that we would get to this lake, damn it!!! We tried to make jokes to lighten the mood but both of us (as we later shared with each other) were starting on a downward spiral of hopelessness. I, myself, was starting to wonder whether or not my 41st birthday was going to be a complete bust! And then, about 20 minutes later.....FR 57 pops up--seemingly out of thin air!

Woo hoo! We were on our way again filled with renewed hope and enthusiasm about this adventure we were on. It felt like we were on a scavenger hunt. Just when we were about to turn around and head home a new clue would show itself.

After about 30 more minutes we started losing hope again. We were pretty certain we'd find our next turn off we just weren't sure how long it would take. We were losing light fast and if we didn't find this lake soon we'd have to turn around. A four-hour drive without finding gold? Simply unacceptable!!! I kept my fingers crossed.

A-ha! Our turn off appeared. And then our next turn off appeared (although we almost missed it because one of the numbers on the FR sign was barely legible). Our next challenge was to find the trailhead to the lake. We drove up a gravel road and saw some cars parked to our left. We decided it was a clue but we kept going just to be sure. We started to wonder if there was even a lake close by. And then, I saw a break in the trees on our left. "That looks like it could be it," I said. We turned around, parked our car where we'd seen the others and started hiking up a trail off the "parking lot." It wasn't promising. "We're going up, when we should be going down. This doesn't seem right," my husband, the ecologist said. I was determined. "Let's give it a little longer." We kept hiking. No lake. Kept hiking. No lake. Finally, about 20 minutes later we saw a break in the trees. My husband said, "Now THIS looks promising." I wasn't so sure. Then as we climbed to the top of the hill we saw it--the LAKE was right in front of us!!!! Surrounded by trees, calm, clear...beautiful!!!

We couldn't believe that, after all the twists and turns and all the driving and wandering, we'd finally found it! We had about 45 minutes of sunlight left if we were lucky! We stripped down, jumped in and swam around for as long as the light would allow. Even our sweet pooch who rarely takes more than a quick dunk in water, was swimming wholeheartedly, enthusiastically along with us! It was a sight to behold! A miracle!

As I breast-stroked my way across the lake, listening to the breeze whispering through the trees and watching the light of dusk descend on the scene, I thought, "This is the best birthday ever!!!" The water felt like silk. My husband--who loves swimming as much as I do (which is A LOT)--was dunking and diving and having a grand old time. Our dog was swimming laps like there was no tomorrow. We--our little family--were in alpine lake heaven!

It lasted all of 30 minutes. We got out, dried off, and headed back down the trail to our car. Then it was time to drive 3 hours back home. Yes. You heard right. Three hours. And did I mention that it was after 9pm and we hadn't eaten yet? And did I mention that my husband had put in a full day at work and had driven the entire way thus far and was fully willing to drive the rest of the way home even though he was pooped and had to get up at 6am the next day? We (he) drove for a total of 6 hours that night. Now, that's true love.

To make a long story short. We ate at Taco Bell on the way home. Mind you, it was 11:15pm by then! But we'd done it! We'd found the lake, swam in it, praised it, loved it, laughed about it, and were now eating chicken soft tacos and a bean burrito together in our car, safely on our way to our sweet little home.

What I took away from this is that you just never know when the breakthrough is going to happen. Whatever you're feeling hopeless, lost, confused, frustrated, depressed about could change in an instant!

The weekend proceeded with some bumps in our relationship "road" but by Saturday night it was breakthrough--city once again! A few of the "hot spots"--read, gnarly challenges that we couldn't seem to overcome despite the best of intentions and hours upon hours of conversation--cooled off in no time, no space. We reached heights in areas of our relationship that we didn't know we could reach!!! It was a weekend full of new discoveries, new insights, new experiences about which we'd truly lost hope.

Trust. Faith. Intention. These are the words that my husband and I took away from our experience in the mountains. Something bigger than us lead us to our destination--literally and figuratively. We realized how hard we hold on sometimes (to beliefs, thoughts, ideals, perceptions, grudges) and that if we could just learn to surrender and let go that the path might just be revealed to us with much less effort! I'm also proud to say that we didn't bicker once during this whole voyage. Not once. We laughed and joked a lot. We expressed our doubts. But we never gave up. We worked together and made "it" happen. I'm proud of us. I'm thankful to the "force" (Star Wars analogy here). I'm grateful to my husband for being willing and to myself for staying in the game. Life is a mysterious adventure, isn't it?

Up Against It--Choosing My Light

I read an article a few years back in which a sociologist stated that we lose 10 I.Q. points when we're angry. So, basically, we get dumber when we're angry. I believe it! I can go from a 41-year-old woman who teaches college-level psychology, is married to a caring, loving man, and who pays her mortgage on time every month to a 10-year-old girl having a temper tantrum--pouting, crying, and, yes, sometimes even cursing or yelling(embarrassing but true).

I know that we all get angry. I know that conflict is a part of life. Heck, even John Gottman who has done 35 years of in-depth research on couples says that conflict is a normal part of relationships. However, he states that the "Master" couples (vs. the "Disaster" couples who end up getting divorced or who stay unhappily married) tend to have more positive interactions than negative interactions in their marriage. In fact, he has devised a standard ratio called the 5 to 1 ratio or "Magic Ratio" based on his 35 years of observing couples communicate. He's found that the "Master" couples have five positive interactions to every negative interaction whereas the "Disaster" couples have significantly fewer positive interactions. This is not reassuring as my husband and I go through this "phase" of bickering, power struggles, tantrums, and silent treatments.

I got married almost a year ago. No one tells you how hard marriage can be. And I say "can be" because it's not always hard. We can fly through months of coasting and feeling connected and like everything is hunky-dory. But when we go through one of those growth periods...Whoa! Maybe there are some people who do not go through hard times or "growth periods" in their relationship. Maybe they are in denial. Maybe they just have a very low-key, calm conflict management style. Maybe they are such a good match that they don't have much conflict. Or, maybe their marriage is slowly simmering without them being aware of it. Who knows? Conflict (aka, hard times) can take many forms. In any case, my marriage can feel really hard sometimes. I've heard people tell me that the first year or two can be this way. In fact, I've heard this from enough people to feel fairly reassured. But the frequency of our fights these days is unnerving.

My husband and I are "passionate" people which means when we have conflict we know how to get in the ring and fight. When we are in this "state" of "passion" inevitably my mind comes up with the standard thoughts and fears, "Maybe we're not a good match", "Maybe this is doomed to failure", "Maybe I'm just not up for this!" Ok, I know that these are not helpful thoughts. I know it would behoove me to go do yoga or meditate or get on my bike and get in touch with my enlightened, wise, "inner self". But damn, if that isn't the last thing I want to do when I'm pissed off! Hmmph!!!

Last year, after a fight with my husband that had resulted in three days of silence between us, I emailed a friend on the third day. She'd been married for 10 years. She's wiser than I (I say that because of the super-wise things she says, the fact that she's read all of Eckhardt Tolle's books, and that she seems to still be wildly in love with her husband and he with her) and obviously has more experience with the whole marriage "thing". I told her I was "in it"; that my husband and I were really in the thick of it. She wrote back, "I don't know what your conflict is about but usually when my husband and I are having a conflict I notice that I am wanting to be right. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Drat. Why do we hang on so tightly to the right or wrong game?

What's that about, anyway? Why do I dig my heals in so? What is the fruit in that? What am I fighting for? Ha! The ego strikes again! I once read that the ego's original purpose (way back when we were first being created) was to define ourselves as individuals. Our skin, thoughts, actions, personality all separated us from other humans so that we weren't one big, mushy pot of human stew. However, the theory goes that we've taken it a bit too far. We've built tall, thick walls to protect ourselves. We are so separate from others that we have a hard time empathizing, loving, forgiving. We walk around with our iPods, cell phones, all sorts of technology that isolates us from others. We've even built walls to keep out God/Spirit/Universal Lifeforce/whatever you want to call that higher wisdom to which we all have access.

I've gained a lot of knowledge over the years. But I sure do have a tough time utilizing it when I'm really "in it." With all the yoga, meditation, and self-reflection I've been doing lately I find myself up against a very poignant question: "Am I going to live by my ego or live by my heart?" In other words, and as my yoga teacher would say, "Am I going to choose to shine my Light or not?" I gotta tell you I am fully aware of what the right answers to these questions are but I am having the toughest time choosing "my heart" and "my Light" (just ask my husband)! As Marianne Williamson says, "You can either choose love or fear." Fear seems to be the winner so far but Love makes a comeback on occasion. Promising--maybe. But not exactly where I want to be on the continuum.

I love my husband. I don't always like what he says or does but I do love him. He is a good, brave, kind-hearted man. I am clearly seeing these days how my anger and defense mechanisms and the neuroses that make-up my ego are getting in the way of me enjoying precious moments with not only my husband, but with my students, family, and friends as well. It's a real shame, but I still have a choice. The game isn't over. With some compassion, support, and deep breathing (and maybe a bike ride or two) I know I can live from my love, light, and heart. If I can keep showing up in my relationship--like I do in yoga--I can move beyond this resistance, these behavior patterns or "samskaras" that keep me locked up within the walls of my ego. It's like those long, deep, persistent, gentle stretches in the Yin yoga practice: the fascia is broken down in order to be rebuilt stronger and more pliable than it was originally. Maybe that's what happens in relationships too. We have to break down the walls of the ego before rebuilding a bigger, stronger, more compassionate heart.

Fact or Feeling?

Why are we humans so gullible? What I mean is, it seems like an awful lot of us believe anything and everything our minds have to tell us---especially the negative stuff. This morning my yoga teacher said (in so many words), "The mind is good for two things--being a janitor and being a secretary. The heart is good at the rest."

So, basically, if we want something clean, organized, and well-planned we need our mind. Otherwise we can quite confidently defer to the heart.

Another wise person offered me more good advice today (when it rains it pours). I was telling her my vision for how I would like to live my life and what I would like to do for my livelihood. When I finished she asked me, "If you weren't scared of anything, how would you proceed with making this happen?" I had just finished telling her exactly what I envisioned but this question caused me to freeze. She made a suggestion and asked me what I thought of it. All that came to mind was, "That scares me." Then she said a most remarkable thing: "That's a feeling not a fact. Set aside your fears for a moment. Consider the facts. They may lead you to new possibilities you haven't thought of before." She then proceeded to give me some very concrete, logical steps for how to get where I said I wanted to go. She wasn't buying into my "story"--in fact, she changed the whole plot completely! From my "It's too hard and scary" story to an "It's really not that hard or scary and here's why" story. Brilliant!!! Why hadn't I thought of this stuff?

Answer? Because I was so focused on my feelings that I got swept away by them and forgot all about examining the facts of the matter.

This was my big lesson today: you can't always believe your feelings...or your thoughts for that matter. Most of these come from our past anyways, and what good are these stories to us now? They don't describe who we are today. Sure, they helped mold us into who we are now and we can honor that process, but we are not tied to the stories in any way, shape, or form. We are who we are right now, in this moment! Who do we want to be right now?

So, now I've got my list of not-so-scary, easy tasks that will lead me down a path that is more satisfying than the one I have settled for up to this point. I like what Marianne Williamson says.... "a miracle is a shift in perception." I believe her!

For love or money?

Today I saw a new doctor who I definitely plan on seeing again. She asked me the typical question, "So what do you do?" and then, after I told her, she asked, "Do you like what you do?" I told her I was burned out and, in fact, was looking for a change. She said, "What are you afraid of?" I told her, "Money. Not being able to make a living doing what I love". She said, "Never do things for the money. Only do things because you love to do them. Ask yourself, 'Am I doing it for the money or doing it because I love to do it?' When you do what you love--when you do what you are passionate about--you will never have to work another day in your life".

She told me about when she used to work in other doctor's offices and how she would do things she really wasn't interested in because she needed the money. Now she owns her own practice (a very lucrative and successful one at that) and "I only do the things I love to do". The smile on her face says it all.

Right now I am a teacher. Would I teach the classes I teach if I didn't get paid? Possibly, with some "tweeks" here and there---a shift in curriculum, the population of students, the venue. This is the tricky part--actually knowing what I want and knowing what it will look like. Maybe the trick is making those small "tweeks", "putting it out there" and taking baby steps so that it can take on a life of it's own. It reminds me of the creative process of writing a song or creating a painting. I had a sense of what the tune would be or what colors I wanted to start with but I rarely had the end product in mind before I started.

I've done three yoga immersions now. My teacher warned me that this latest immersion is only for people who are ready to "have" what they want. I rolled up my sleeves and said to myself, "I'm ready!" But I don't think I bargained for how long the process can take or how mysterious it can be. Patience is the name of the game. Every time I try to create an answer by thinking about it my teacher gently reminds me that "Yes, maybe it will look like that. But instead of focusing on what you might do, focus on being your light and see what happens". Aaahhh. Every time I think I have the answer....

At the end of my appointment today my doctor asked, 'So what do you want to do?" I hesitated because #1 this is a hard question to answer in one minute or less and #2 I'm not sure. But I gave her as close to an answer as I could, ending with, "But I'm afraid what people will think". She smiled and said, "Do what you love and what you're good at and people will want what you have to give. You won't even care what people think after awhile". She runs an integrative health practice in which she uses natural healing methods for helping the body heal itself--nutritional supplementation, bio-identical hormones, lifestyle recommendations. Sounds like prescription medications are last on her list of treatment options if they are on her list at all. She has other doctors calling her regularly to chew her out for practicing in this way despite the progress they are seeing in their patients. They argue that their patients' "progress is only due to the placebo effect". She knows better and tells them so and then hangs up and continues to help people feel better who have suffered for years. I admire her tenacity.

I'm not quite sure what my next "career" will look like. But I do feel the current of the river carrying me along, supporting me, showing me people and opportunities that may give me some clues. It's so hard to be patient sometimes. So hard not to obsess and try to figure it all out. For now I will do my best to listen to my yoga teacher's words echoing in my ears, "Just be your light and see what happens" and my doctor's passion for what she does reminding me to "Do it for love, not for the money".

Fixing or Finessing Depression?

"O.K. So I am officially depressed!" This is what I said to myself (with way too much enthusiasm, I might add) leaving my doctor's office in February of this year. I'd been feeling low energy (read, exhausted!) and any little thing could tick me off. Not to mention the low libido, cravings for sugar and fatty foods, weight gain, and sleepless nights! What the heck was wrong with me, anyway? I'd just married the love of my life. I was paying off debt successfully and even stashing money into multiple savings accounts. I had a great group of friends, a family who loved me, and I was only working 30 hours a week. What was the problem?

Well, first off, working with people all day who also may be depressed or anxious or have some other mental health issue can be exhausting in itself. And working 30 hours when you're already feeling low energy can push you over the edge. And no one told me how hard the first year of marriage could be! And my exercise routine was out the window. Oh yes, and we were living in the 'hood--and I do not exaggerate. I knew I was "done" with our neighborhood when I was awoken from a deep sleep one night by 4 consecutive gun shots that felt like they were just outside our bedroom window. "We've GOT to get out of here", I told my husband.

So, okay, there were some real life situations that were contributing to the depression I was feeling. But leaving my doctor's office that day I have to say, it felt good to have real, hard evidence that, indeed, I was clinically, officially, physically depressed. I'd met my doctor through a dear friend of mine who suggested I see her after hearing how down I was. She told me that this doctor specialized in hormone and neurotransmitter issues. I called her the next day. And that says a lot for a depressed person! We don't always have the energy to make things happen. But I was desperate to feel better so I made it happen.

She took one look at me, asked me some questions about my childhood and said, "I am 90% sure you have a neurotransmitter imbalance." She was so confident in her "pre-diagnosis" that I left feeling very hopeful. I had my blood drawn and two weeks later she was explaining the results to me. "You've got low serotonin, your GABA is off, your norepenephrin is high and your cortisol levels are too high--your body is working over time. No wonder you feel so crummy." She prescribed me 4 bottles of amino acids and vitamin supplements and told me to come back in two weeks.

"Aaaah! I'm not crazy. My body is just really depleted". I felt really hopeful for the first time in years! I'd tried everything---energy work, psychotherapy, acupuncture, massage, past life regressions, homeopathy---and nothing worked! I never tried medication because I really didn't believe in them #1 and #2 I didn't want the side effects of SSRI's (one of them is low libido and I was already very familiar with that; they also stop working if you take them long enough). I wanted to try everything else possible before getting on medication. But I was getting desperate. This doctor was my last hope. I told myself I would give her a shot, do what she told me to do, give it 6 months and if it didn't work I was taking meds!!! No more messing around! I'm sick of feeling sick and tired!

So, being the Type A person that I am I immediately got online and researched low serotonin, GABA issues, and high cortisol. I found out all sorts of info about how eating certain foods, staying off sugar and alcohol, and exercising everyday in the daylight can help people feel better. I started a strict regimen. I told my husband to hide the sweets and no more wine for me for awhile! I started going to the gym more often and walking our dog in the mornings. I cut back on work. We moved to a better neighborhood and a beautiful house with lot's of light. I signed up for my first yoga immersion.....

All of these action steps were good steps for me. They helped.... a lot! So, what I'm about to say doesn't cancel that out. But, there's only so much "fixing" you can do. I saw my doctor in February and by April, I had put a plan in place that assured all the "externals" were where they needed to be so that I could start thriving again. I continued taking my supplements religiously, walking my dog every day, and cutting out sugar and alcohol for weeks at a time (and then treating myself with a drink or a cookie before going back on my "plan" again). I also started writing in a journal and painting again. I was working less and resting more. My husband and I were getting into a good groove with the whole marriage-thing. So, I was starting to feel better and that felt good!

I was even sleeping better but there was still something "off." I still woke up every morning to the negative, obsessive voices that told me to worry about that or that I didn't do that right or that I'll never have that or that there was inherently something wrong with me, my life, etc. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Then I started a yoga practice every morning. I started the yoga immersion I told you about in my last entry. I woke up every morning at 6am--as religiously as brushing my teeth every morning. I went to that first class and was hooked. Why was I so hooked, eventhough I wasn't getting the endorphin rush from a hard yoga workout? It was because for that one hour and a half I experienced a break from my monkey mind. That's it in a nutshell. The meditation and yoga practice my teacher introduced to me helped me "neglect" (as he says) a bad habit that had become so ingrained in me that I thought it was me.

And that's the finessing part of healing depression: differentiating the depression from who you are. I had believed all of those voices that told me some really horrible things about myself. But my new yoga practice gave me enough distance from that voice to realize it was a fascade. The voice was full of shit. I was so much more than what it was telling me.

So, it was a combo of physical imbalances going on in my body and brain but also the deeply ingrained thought patterns and beliefs that were causing the depression. Research on depression consistently states that cognitive restructuring (challenging negative thought distortions--those thoughts that distort reality like, "If I feel like a failure, I am a failure") combined with meds (for some people) and regular exercise helps cure depression. And it is cureable, by the way (I've even seen research about how amino acids--5HTP for example--can improve the symptoms of depression by 50%). Yoga was my cognitive restructuring. It gently, persistently, lovingly showed me a different possibility about who I am. Hey, I might actually be an alright person. In fact, I might be a stellar person!

The space my yoga practice gives me now helps me identify the "little me" as my yoga teacher calls it--that nasty, demoralizing voice that finds reasons for being defensive, angry, annoyed with myself and other people in my life. And it opens me up to the "older, wiser me" that my yoga teacher refers to; that part of me that transcends the complaining and finger-pointing and serves up compassion, faith and kindness instead.

So, I'm starting to "get it". I'm starting to "be" with myself in this new way. A more loving, grounded, wise way. I'm starting to empathize more and judge less (although this one is going to take some time). When I get stuck in a funk these days I try as best I can to come back to my yoga practice or remember to breathe or email my yoga teacher for some reminders. We can't do this deep personal work in isolation. At least I can't. I need my peeps, my sources of inspiration, the love of my husband and friends and family.

We are such a "fix-it" society. And depression is such a taboo topic that is so misunderstood. You can't just "buck up and cheer up." It doesn't work that way. It is a full-body illness. It's like your brain has a cold. It affects you on many levels--how you sleep, what and how much you eat, your mood, your energy level, your immune system, and your ability to think clearly. I was talking to a colleague of mine today and she told me about a time--about 15 years ago---when she was hit hard by a major depression. She described it like someone pulling a cork out of her, draining her of her joy to the extent that she didn't recognize herself anymore. What a perfect description. If you've been there you know what she's talking about. If you haven't, you can probably get an idea.

Depression responds to those external "fixes"--of course it does. But maybe it's the finessing that really whoos back the true essence of a person. Finessing that glimmer of light into a raging fire again. In my experience at least, it takes time and patience and small steps but it also takes being still with myself, getting support, and getting back in touch with who I really am--that person that only I know during those quiet times when I'm alone in a room with just my heartbeat to keep me company. The type of yoga I've found helps me do that. It's about "being" vs "doing". When I just AM, it's almost like I magnetize to me the resources, people, opportunities I need to get to the next step. And it's so hard to have faith in this when I'm "in it" but when I remember it magic seems to happen!

Finessing or fixing? Fixing is alright for awhile, but then it turns into something akin to resisting....resisting life, the flow of the river, our essence: "Now, you feel better right now or else!" How about just letting go and being for a change? Even if it's messy or sad or scary or tired or not-so-pretty? How about finessing--gently coaxing--the sweetness of who we are into this moment? Something that might sound like, "How about a warm bath, Depression? Or a hug? Or a walk in the woods or some quiet time?" Wouldn't that feel good?