Trust Yourself

Sorry for the false start, folks. I may not be writing weekly posts for awhile as I am still adjusting to motherhood, but I will do my best to write at least monthly.

I have been asked by one of my readers to offer an update on my health. Back in 2010 I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I have discussed my path of healing on this blog. Please check it out if you haven't already. The short version is that I have healed the Hashimoto's through natural means: gluten-free diet, supplements, staying away from inflammatory foods, people, and lifestyle, managing stress (as a new-ish mom this is the hardest one by far), managing hormonal imbalance (another tricky one), engaging in regular exercise and yoga to mention just a few examples. I have never been prescribed medication but my naturopath was perfectly willing to do so if it seemed like I needed it. I just didn't need it. (Notice I said "healed". I don't even know if doctors would approve of me using this term for this particular condition, but I happen to believe you can heal Hashimoto's).

My latest lab results show completely normal thyroid levels. I am thrilled! It is so cool to have validation for the natural healing path I've taken. Hurray! While my thyroid is looking good these days, my adrenals are still imbalanced so stress management and proper nourishment are very important for my overall well-being.

My latest challenge has been addressing monthly hormonal changes that affect my mood, my sleep and my energy levels. I recently went on Zoloft (an anti-depressant) in order to better manage the low moods, insomnia, and fatigue I was experiencing. I also use a plant-based, bio-identical progesterone cream regularly to offset the rollercoaster ride my hormones take each month.

I was very resistant to them at first because I so whole-heartedly believed (and still do) in the power of a natural approach to healing, but the meds have helped a great deal. They offer me more of a buffer for dealing with life's challenges and stresses, especially as a married, working mother raising a two-year-old son. Balancing the needs of my relationship, my work load, my child, not to mention my own health and well-being is a constant dance. Sometimes I do it very gracefully and other times I'm tripping over my own feet. But I have a lot of tools for managing the day-to-day stressors; the meds being a powerful one.

For me though, the most powerful tools for healing are my spiritual practice and exercise. My yoga practice used to include two, three, sometimes four or five restorative classes a week, daily meditation, and journaling. I just don't have the time for a regular spiritual practice these days--or regular exercise for that matter, but I do the best I can. Lately, I've realized that acceptance of where I'm at right now is a powerful healer. Resistance only causes stress which causes inflammation which wrecks my health.

For now, the anti-depressants, hormone cream and other lifestyle practices (listed above) will have to do. Some day in the near future I hope to be able to engage in a more regular spiritual practice, shift the negative thinking patterns that I've learned over the years, and get off the meds altogether, never to return. But for now, this is what I need in order to have quality of life.

I think that is the message I want to hit home with this post: you have to find what works for you. There are wonderful books you can read, doctors with whom you can work, diets and yoga practices and medications to try...but ultimately you have to make the call as to what will work best for you to feel a sense of well-being and gratitude and grace in your life.

Trust yourself. Take the time to listen to yourself and your heart. They will guide you. They really will.

I'm back!

After getting pregnant at age 41, giving birth at 42, and now raising an almost-2-year-old at 44, I'm excited to get back to my blog! I became pregnant in April 2011 and stopped posting altogether. I remember feeling like I needed privacy on my journey of pregnancy. I'm glad I honored my needs at the time but I do think writing this blog is so healing and empowering and wish I could have found a way to continue it somehow. But, alas, time to look ahead and set an intention for writing more consistently. It feeds my soul like nothing else.

 I just read my blog post from Feb 2011 about how I slept 12 and 13-hour nights over a week's time and I just want to whiz right back there and get some of that good, deep sleep again! Oh, how I've missed my sleep! My adrenals are soooo tired! My little toddler speeds around the house every morning while I feel like I've been hit by a truck. .He makes me laugh though and I am deeply, deeply in love like never before.

After re-reading some of my old posts I am reminded of my own wisdom and perseverance and knowledge with regards to healing, growth, and change. Since becoming pregnant and giving birth I've experienced new ups and downs as well as reminders of old symptoms and struggles. It's been quite a journey and I look forward to sharing my stories of relapse, renewed healing, and lot's of growing and changing.

Thanks so much to all who have been reading my blog over the years while I've been away. I just finished reading your posts tonight and feel so inspired and honored by what you've chosen to share with me about your own journey of healing. I look forward to hearing more and sharing more.

Stay tuned! I can't wait!

P.S. New pics and quotes coming soon!

Slowing Down: The Ultimate Time Management

Today I took our 13 and 1/2 year-old dog, Penny for a walk through our neighborhood. For an old girl Penny can definitely trot right along with me at a pretty good clip most days, unless her arthritis is acting up. She even acts like an excited puppy when we bring her home a chew bone to devour. She will take it into her mouth and toss it over and over again in an attempt to get us to throw it and play tug-of-war with her. It's awfully cute and rarely can we resist her invitation to play. In other words, Penny is in good shape for her age and can play and jog with the best of them.

But today, for whatever reason, Penny took her sweet old time on our walk. This happens once in a while and every time it happens I am challenged to enjoy the slower pace rather than get frustrated by it. I should also mention that when I take Penny on a walk I am also taking myself on a walk--it's my exercise for the day. So when Penny is "pokey" it means that I have to slow down my pace, which means less of a workout for me. Today was a good test for me because it seemed that every 10 steps or so she found something new to sniff and we would stop to explore the area. Grrr.

Another thing I should mention is that Penny was not raised on a leash. She spent most of her youth on a farm with my husband, wandering the fields as he worked and roaming the countryside at her leisure. She's never really gotten the hang of this long rope-like thing attached to her neck, leading her around. Now that we live in a neighborhood with traffic and other dogs to navigate, her lack of experience with leash culture has become a bit more obvious. For example, we will be walking at a moderate pace on the "safe" side of the street (against traffic) and Penny, without warning, will tug mightily as she abruptly switches directions to cross the street. One minute we are walking peacefully and swiftly in a forward direction and then all of a sudden she pulls us in the opposite direction! It’s a bit unnerving to say the least. There have been times she's tugged so hard and fast that I barely have the time to tug her out of the way of an oncoming car. Yikes.

Anyways, today was one of those "slow" days. I guess if you have children you can relate. I was in the mood for a brisk jaunt, but I could tell right away that Penny had her own ideas--to sniff every inch of grass or ivy on her path. Admittedly, I was a bit annoyed at first, after all this was my walk, too! Stopping every 15 seconds was not going to burn off the chocolate I'd eaten for lunch, or the 4 slices of pepperoni pizza for that matter! But alas, there was no use resisting Penny's urge to sniff. Besides she's so dang cute, I just can't stay perturbed at her for long. Eventually I conceded (ok, so I did tug her away from a few spots of interest, but this was after at least a minute of waiting). For the most part, I surrendered. After all, it wasn't like I didn't have those 10 steps of briskness between each sniffing session. And Penny still jogged a bit here and there, sometimes for even longer than 10 steps. It was just more of a start-stop kind of thing, which in the past has a tendency to get on my nerves (just ask my husband).

Because of our slower pace today I can rattle off a list of natural sights, smells, and sensations that I noticed on our walk: the soft, pastel orange-yellow hue of the rhododendron flowers, the earthy smell of mulch that had recently been scattered on neighbors' lawns during their springtime gardening, and the warmth of the sun on my face and body as we meandered along a grassy patch on the side of the road. I don't think I would have relished any of these exquisite moments if it hadn't been for Penny. Or at least I would not have remembered them long enough to write about them. Sure, I've taken myself on walks before and noticed all sorts of beautiful things, but when I'm with Penny she helps me slow down and truly experience each precious discovery--like taking a snapshot of each bird or leaf or smell. Because Penny lives in the moment and enjoys each one so much, she helps me do the same. And as a human with a monkey mind for a brain--always planning for the future or ruminating on the past--I appreciate these bits of respite.

As I reflect on our walk today, I realize the range of emotions I found myself experiencing--from mild frustration to appreciation. I am grateful that I was aware enough to notice these subtle variations and that I was eventually able to make the choice to enjoy and appreciate Penny's "lessons." She’s a wise teacher; our pooch and I love her for it. Our walk was just a metaphor for life, really. At any moment we all have the ability to make a choice about the kind of experience we're having. And, of course, we are better able to make positive, self-affirming choices when we are well-rested, well-fed, and making time for our loved ones and ourselves. But it can be such a tricky balance and so inconsistent. One day we have awareness and the next we get impatient and try to rush things along just to get through the day.

About 4 years ago, I found myself on crutches after a knee injury. I didn't know Penny then, so I didn’t have her gentle reminders to guide me down the more “enlightened” path. I worked as a college counselor and my job entailed walking from building to building to make "house calls" to colleagues or to find resources for students. Doing my job on crutches was a real challenge, especially considering that previously I would race around campus mindlessly trying to zoom from one place to another to get as much done as possible. The crutches were a gift and I knew it, but boy, did I resist the experience! I was cranky about it for a long, long time until I finally made some adjustments (asking colleagues to come to me, giving myself extra time between appointments, etc.).

What if we didn't need a dog or an injury or our children to remind us to slow down? What if we just set up our lives that way with enough breathing room and with ample "pauses" between activities and goals and meetings? I haven't noticed that moving faster does anyone any good. I've lost people I love to the fast-paced life. It's a sad thing. But we can change the way we "do" our lives. We don't have to succumb to the addiction to getting as much done as quickly as possible. We can enjoy more love, more intimacy, and more beauty and brilliance if we just slow it all down a notch--or ten!

Celebrate Those Mistakes!

Here's some great wisdom that I recently learned about making mistakes: 1) Mistakes build awareness and awareness helps us figure out how we want to do it differently next time.

2) We are human and part of being human is making mistakes, therefore, "I reserve the right to be human." This is very freeing advice for me as I have always been very hard on myself for making mistakes. I'm not sure why, as I remember my dad sitting down with me when I was young and explaining to me that mistakes really are "ok" and a normal, natural part of life. Despite this loving advice, somewhere along the line I fell into the belief that making mistakes was wrong, bad, not allowed, which really is a bunch of hooey! How do we learn if we don't make mistakes? I will even argue that it's okay to make the same mistake twice, three times, or even twenty or hundred or a thousand times, because chances are that we really aren't making the same mistake but rather we are growing with each attempt-- even if it's in very small increments. Furthermore, we will keep making the same mistake until we "get it" on a visceral level. No one can teach us this. There are some lessons in life we must experience for ourselves in a deeply experiential, firsthand way in order to once and for all, change the belief, habit, pattern, etc. Remember that friend who kept dating the "bad boys" because she claimed all the nice guys were too boring? Everyone told her she deserved better, but it wasn't until she was sick and tired of the drama and heartbreak that she moved on to Mr. Nice Guy, who, by the way, is far from boring--he kisses like an italian lover, has smart, funny and interesting things to say, and actually cooks, cleans, and does laundry!

3) Celebrate your mistakes....and everything else in your life for that matter. And, by the way, this is not a bunch of superficial Norman Vincent Peale positive mental attitude brainwashing hoo-ha. This is the real deal. If we know we've made a mistake then we can celebrate the new awareness we have about how we want to "be" in the world differently. Maybe instead of beating ourselves up over it or, worse, denying it altogether as a means for preserving our fragile ego, we can say, "Wow! Look at that! I really want to do that differently next time. What is a goal I can set around this issue?" or "Cool. Another new awareness. I am really growing." What's the use of lashing ourselves with a wet noodle all day long? It's completely self-serving and doesn't help us move forward. Plus, it does a number on our self-esteem. This concept has helped me snap out of years of depression. I mean it. It's been that powerful!

I've found that when I make a daily practice of genuinely stepping back and taking a look at my life I can always find things to celebrate. It's about where I decide to put my attention--on all the stuff not working or all the stuff that is? It's similar to daily gratitude in that you make a practice of thinking, writing, and/or saying several things you appreciate about your life throughout each day. Here is an example of how I used this idea just this morning. Last night I had one of those fitful nights of sleep where I was tossing and turning all night long, up every hour, and cranky as hell. I woke up thinking, "There is no way I am going to work today! I'm tired. I'm cranky. And all I want to do is finish reading Keith Richards' biography in bed all day. Hrrumph!" Well, before I made any final decisions about my day, I made a choice of listing three things I could celebrate about my life. I don't remember what I listed, but it worked. Within minutes I was out of bed, getting my lunch ready to take to work. It also helped to repeat my life purpose a few times (btw, my life purpose is to be a creative, positive force in the world, inspiring people to be their best). I realized that going to work would be much more purposeful and exhilarating than lying in bed all day feeling sorry for myself. Indeed, I had a great day and really celebrated the time I spent with my students.

Equally as important, I did not deny that I was tired, rather I acknowledged that I was a bit groggy and, as a result, changed my lesson plan to adapt to my low energy and foggy brain. It turned out to be a lot more fun than the lecture I had originally planned. Ten minutes into class everyone was chatting and laughing and discussing up a storm. Good stuff. Oh, and another thing I recently learned is that bragging is a form of celebration. That's right, no need to play small to make other people feel better about themselves. Try it and see. Usually people will be inspired by your confidence. I am experimenting with this one more and more and it is a lot of fun. I haven't perfected the "celebrate your mistakes" part yet, but I suspect that it will have a similar affect as the concept of "Celebrate everything in your life" has had--magical!

4) Here's one that I learned several years ago. Sometimes when I just can't let go of a mistake and find that I am beating myself up over it I actually "rewrite" it in my mind. For example, that interaction with my student that didn't go so well? I imagine it going just the way I wished it had and then I decide to accept it as my new reality. I know this sounds loopy and maybe even like denial, but it saves your self-esteem and makes it much more likely that you will handle the next interaction in just the way you'd "wishfully" imagined it. Besides, if you believe in alternate universes, you've just stepped onto a different plane altogether where that old reality is--POOF!--non-existant.

If you don't believe in alternative universes then here is some helpful trivia: Our brain doesn't know the difference between yesterday, today or tomorrow, so why not trick it into believing that all was, is, and will be well? Researchers know that ruminating or obsessing over and over about a negative situation can lead to depression and stress. Reappraisal is when we step outside of the situation and look at it from an objective perspective--like we're in a movie theatre watching it on the big screen from the audience's perspective. When we think in this more detached way, our heart rate and respiratory rate slows and we feel less stress and a greater sense of well-being. In addition, reappraisal makes it more likely that we will respond in a more positive, rational way the next time we are confronted with a similar issue. This is because practicing objectivity in this way helps form new neural pathways from our prefrontal cortex (our rational brain) to our amygdala (the gland located in our limbic brain which is responsible for our "fight or flight" response). In other words, our prefrontal cortex is more likely to tell our amygdala to "Cool it" rather than let this irrational, reactive gland take over the show (remember all those times you let something hurtful or angry slip out of your mouth? You can blame the amygdala for your flagrant impulsivity). Take this whole concept a step further, and imagine a more pleasing outcome to that negative situation and you barely have to spend any time at all dwelling on what actually happened. All is well. You can put it to rest. You've imagined a new, more pleasing outcome! Tah dah!

5) Lastly, if you really have done damage to someone, you can make amends. I've noticed that when I apologize or say something like, "I don't like how I handled that, can we start over?" or "I'm really sorry for the pain I caused you. What can I do to make it up to you?" or "Can you forgive me for the pain I caused you?" it really promotes growth and forgiveness in the relationship. It shows humility to admit when you are wrong. Even if--and especially if-- you are in a position of authority. Family therapists will tell you that functional parents admit their mistakes and show a willingness to change their behavior. By doing this, they model humility for their children, making it possible for their kids to admit mistakes and make changes as needed. And who respects a leader or manager who won't admit their mistakes? Everyone can see they've messed up, so why not just admit it, set a goal, and move on? It models humility for everyone in the organization. All that said, this does not mean that you need to profusely apologize for your mistakes. One heartfelt apology will do. After all, we are all human, right? No need to keep punishing ourselves. Which leads me to my last point...

I think we are way too hard on ourselves as a society and, for that matter, way too hard on each other. I was listening to a show on NPR the other day about a defense attorney who represented death row inmates in Texas. He said that, while most of his clients are indeed guilty, 99% of them are not the same person they were when they committed their heinous crimes. In fact, he described a middle-aged inmate who had murdered a man when he was 19--a burglary gone wrong. The defense attorney stated that, having known the amount of soul searching and community service this man had done since his crime, he would have trusted the man enough to babysit his 5-year-old son alone--without hesitation. He submitted evidence from prison guards who witnessed this man's upstanding behavior on a daily basis, but to no avail. He was given lethal injection, despite evidence that he was a changed man. And we don't have to go to this extreme to see this lack of forgiveness in action. Just listen to people talk about their families, bosses, friends. It's hard to forgive people for their mistakes and to believe that they can grow and change. Instead, we punish them over and over for their "sins"--either outright or inside of our heads. I know this, because I've done it myself.

Our whole society seems structured around punishment. I see it in our educational system as well. We instructors are supposed to grade our students' performance in order for them to earn a degree. I can tell you from firsthand experience that most students do not look at these grades as useful feedback for ways they can learn and grow from their "mistakes." Just the opposite--they see them as either rewards (if the grade is to their liking)or punishment (anything less than this). It's very sad to watch. The whole point of education--learning for the sake of learning--has been lost in this reward and punishment system.

Here's my point..... Let's give ourselves a break, huh? Neither punishment nor denial helps us learn from our mistakes and grow into more enlightened people. If we give ourselves permission to be human, ironically enough, we experience more freedom and, as a result, we are less likely to make the same mistakes over and over again because we are looking forward instead of backward. Ever try driving down the freeway while constantly looking in your rearview mirror? Forgiveness is a powerful force....and definitely something to celebrate!

Falling Awake

Over the weekend my husband and I attended Falling Awake-- a transformational personal growth workshop facilitated by a cool dude named, Dave Ellis. Dave has coached some of the most powerful people in the world, including Nobel Peace Prize winner, Muhammad Yunus and author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series, Jack Canfield. He presented 13 Success Strategies throughout the weekend and gave us plenty of chances to practice them, write about them, and talk about what we learned. One of the many concepts we learned was about letting go of antagonism--even antagonistic (aka, sarcastic) humor. Dave suggested that in any life or relationship struggle, try standing in the other person's shoes and express to them what you think they're saying rather than trying to convince them how right you are. Dave went one step further by suggesting we let go of antagonism towards ourselves and our lives altogether, by "loving it all, " that is, letting go of resistance and attachment to whatever is happening. Love the criticism your friend just expressed, love the traffic jam, love the credit card debt. What we resist, persists, right?

My yoga instructor uses the metaphor of accepting one's place in the river, rather than swimming upstream or yearning to be downstream. Buddhism advises that we let go of our attachment to desire rather than grasping at it. It's been said in many different ways, but the message is the same--let go, relax, accept what is, stop resisting. We've all heard this before, but it's one thing to hear it and another thing to practice it.

In addition to letting go of antagonism, we learned how to "Listen for Brilliance." Basically, this means listening without asking questions, giving advice, or piggy-backing ("Oh, you broke your leg? Well let me tell you all about how I broke my leg in the summer of '85"). You simply listen for the brilliance in the other person by encouraging them to say more via your inviting nonverbal communication (head nodding, smiling, wide-eyed interest) or by prompting them verbally with expressions like "Really?", "Tell me more" and the like. No fixing, directing or interrupting. After doing several listening-for-brilliance exercises with other peeps in the workshop, a participant described her experience this way, "When I listen for content, I become critical. When I listen for brilliance I listen with compassion." Many participants expressed this in so many words. It seems that when we stopped busying ourselves with fixing or directing or reflecting, we stopped listening with our heads and started listening with our hearts. Powerful stuff.

Dave described how all of us have grown up in an antagonistic culture; a culture that loves to debate, argue, and prove how right we are. Listening, in my opinion, is a revolutionary (and, at first, difficult) act. It takes a lot of presence. However, as my husband and I practiced this skill over dinner one night after one of the workshop days, we realized how relaxing, rich, and beneficial it can be. I am a chronic-interrupter, but during dinner I practiced zipping my lip and letting my husband finish his thoughts. I was amazed by how much more I learned about my husband in just an hour! It almost felt like we were dating again--when we'd have those 3-hour phone conversations, late into the night and we'd hang up all excited for the next time we got to talk.

Throughout the workshop, as we practiced the skill of "Listening for Brilliance," I also realized that being on the other end of this kind of listening was incredibly freeing...and revealing. When I felt someone was truly listening I found my own answers to questions or problems, and felt much more centered and articulate. I remembered how many times in my conversations with family, friends, and co-workers I was interrupted, given unsolicited advice or felt like the person was losing interest in what I was saying. Because of this, I tried to hurry through what I was saying such that my original message became warped and convoluted. This "new" way of listening felt incredible. I got to relax into what I was trying to express, and likewise, as the listener, I let go of my agenda and just relaxed into what the other person was saying. It was actually a relief not to feel the pressure of having to say something wise or smart or helpful.

In my last post I talked about letting go of unrealistic expectations. When I did this, I stopped resisting--my husband, my students, my supervisor, the guy who ran a stop sign and almost rammed into my car. I've practiced this for over a week now and it's felt great! I've laughed more with my students than I ever have. I don't get stuck on their level of attention or hooked by their bouts of side-talking and I praise them more generously, listen to them more readily, and, guess what? I am experiencing much less resistance and antagonism from them--actually none-- and am noticing a lot more joy, laughter, and curiosity in the classroom. I'm actually rediscovering my joy for teaching. It feels awesome! As for my husband, when I listen to him deeply, he responds with warmth, more expression and compassion, and lot's of love. Yum! I suspect that the next time he wants to advise me on what temperature to cook the chicken, if I listen to him and don't resist, I may even feel supported by this gesture! Not always maybe, but it's quite possible that if I let go more, and resist less I will be less apt to feel like he is interfering or criticizing and more like he just wants to help out. Aaaah! Peace in the kitchen, once again....and with the man I love--even better. Wahoo!

Managing Expectations

Lately, I've been having some great explorations with a wonderful mentor of mine (we'll call him "Jim") about expectations . I am a teacher of college-age students. I am a wife of a grown man. I am a friend, a daughter, a sister. My mentor has reminded me that everyone is really just a big kid walking around this earth who is still discovering him/herself, still making mistakes, and still testing boundaries and behaving immaturely at times. After considering this perspective, I've realized that my expectations of others are too high and, therefore, causing me undue stress and frustration. It's time for a shift.

There are many areas of my life where my expectations cause problems. One example is in the classroom. The other day I was telling Jim how frustrating it is when my students cross-talk or text while I am talking or lecturing in class, especially after I've explained that listening is a "classroom agreement," and especially because they are adults and they should know better (there's a reason I don't teach high school). Hrrumph! He looked at me warmly but skeptically and said, "So, you expect there to be absolutely no cross-talking or texting during class?" I nodded. And I should add that I nodded vehemently, with a " yur-darned-right" forcefulness. He continued, "We are social beings; we flirt, chat, laugh. It's just who we are. You're expecting a lot, Margaret." Because he said it in such a kind-hearted way, and because he knows me so well, I really took that in. I thought about it for a few moments and responded, "Hmmm. Maybe you're right." And then I smiled and thought about all the times I'd chatted with a fellow student in class as a high school, college, and graduate student (as for texting, thank goodness there was no such thing as texting back in the late 80's and 90's, because I would have been obsessively texting various love interests and friends throughout all my classes). I cared about what I was learning but because I, too, was and am a social being, I reached out even though it may not have been the most appropriate time to do so. I never thought about how my teacher felt about it or how she/he or other students may have been affected. I was a student, for heaven sakes and the world revolved around me, right? So, Jim and I talked about prioritizing expectations-- which classroom agreements, for example, do I really want to ask my students to keep and which ones are just suggestions, and which ones could I let go of altogether? It was really good food for thought, and even better, I felt calmed by the thought of not having to be such a drill-sargent all the time. I also realized that there are some behaviors--like texting--that really aren't acceptable to me. Getting clear about my bottom line felt really powerful.

As I said, my high expectations also rear their head in other areas of my life. My relationships for example---with my husband, my friends, my family, my supervisors. I expect my husband to be stable and kind even when I'm hitting below the belt; my parents never to make mistakes; my friends to always be compassionate and loving; my supervisors to treat me with the utmost respect at all times, regardless of how much work they have piled on their plate. Tall orders! I am just setting myself up to be disappointed and victimized time and time again. Not only that, but I set myself up to be a huge hypocrite!

This brings me to the subject of boundaries. Now I will admit that even though I am a psychology instructor and a former counselor, there are times when I suck at boundaries! During conflict, for example, I either have no walls or I build huge fortresses to protect myself. Pia Mellody, in her book, The Intimacy Factor, describes this phenomenon in terms of containment. She explains that, "...when we become boundaryless, we allow in too much from another person or send out too much from ourselves...on the other hand, when there is too much containment, we protect the self so carefully that nothing reaches us." Having unrealistic expectations is one thing, having no expectations is another. Boundaries seem to help one navigate this balancing act.

As Jim and I explored this idea of boundaries and expectations more deeply, he explained that we can ask people for what we want (or expect) calmly and succinctly without lecturing, over-explaining or emoting. He reminded me that doing any of the latter with adolescents (or adults acting like adolescents) will get me nowhere fast--I will immediately lose their attention, their respect and that antagonism I referred to earlier? Well, I should expect huge doses of it to come my way! If someone doesn't do what we want or expect then we have a decision to make--either set consequences ("If you don't eat all your vegetables, you can't have dessert") or let go of the want or expectation altogether ("Most kids hate vegetables so maybe I'll find a more creative, less combative way to make sure he get's his veggies"). Maybe the expectation was even a reasonable one (no texting when we're trying to spend quality time together), but if we keep hammering away at it, it will only turn into a power struggle. Best to let it be (chat with the waiter, or turn on the radio when the texting starts) or make another choice like simply not hanging out with the person anymore if they don't seem to be able to give us more of their attention. And we can communicate this without drama, anger, or lecturing. We simply make a choice rather than a demand. How empowering!

Having high expectations, I've realized, sets up a "me-against-you" dynamic; an antagonistic relationship from the "get-go" which can create strife in relationships with coworkers, students, lovers, family members, business partners, etc. I think my mentor was right when he said, "Once you come off as demanding and authoritarian they [my students, my husband, etc.] are going to see you as the parent, and then their going to start projecting all their " kid stuff" onto you." Think about it, do you really want your employees, your spouse, or your friends, throwing tantrums, whining, and rebelling? Yuck. I sure don't. In fact, I've had this happen more times than I'd care to remember. And if it's true what Jim says--that we are all kids and that I should look at my students, supervisors, husband, family and friends as kids rather than adults "who should know better--" my life would be a lot easier! If I could look at every adult who crosses my path as just a kid who is still learning and growing and trying to figure it out I would probably have a lot more compassion for them and, therefore, cut them a lot more slack, and, as a result, experience a lot less disappointment, frustration, and conflict.

So, the next time my husband feels the urge to open the oven door or check under the lid of a pan of boiling water and give me advice about what temperature to cook the chicken or the pasta or the whatever, I can calmly, kindly let him know that I've got it under control and that it would be really good for me to spend some alone time in the kitchen. Calmly, directly, without a fuss, without anger. Aaaah. There is peace in the kitchen once again, and without a tantrum, fight, or the silent treatment. Hallelujah!

When Life is Hard---Get Off It!!!

I remember attending a personal growth workshop about ten years ago in which the facilitator talked about "getting off it." What I understood him to mean by this phrase was, when you've tried everything to make something work and it still isn't going the way you want it to, let go, take the leap, surrender.

That's the lesson I am learning in my life right now. So many different aspects of my life feel like they are crumbling before my eyes--relationships, old beliefs, identities, possessions, career direction, health. This is a year full of big change, according to astrological predictions. It's also a year of following one's heart and true desires. As I face what seems like huge obstacles in my life right now, I still take time each day to commune with my inner guidance, that soft inner voice of intuition--my heart. It is yearning for change, but that doesn't mean it will come easily. Change is scary because we don't know if there will be a soft place to land when we take the leap off the cliff. But sometimes the cliff has become so intolerable that we see no other choice. Ultimately, I must listen to my heart's yearnings and follow them step-by-step, no matter how scary taking those steps is.

So, today, I am going to try to let go, surrender, stop trying so hard, stop blaming myself and simply "get off it." Maybe the very efforts I've been making --doing all the "right" things---are the exact things that have kept me stuck.

Let go, let God. Surrender. Take the leap. Be the witness. Stand in the eye of the storm. All phrases to convey the idea that putting in anymore effort will not help and to stop doing what doesn't work--in fact, stop doing....period!

I was meditating the other day, sitting in my chair, candle lit, just "being with" what I was feeling in my body, the thoughts I was thinking, the longings in my heart. Now I realize that this could be what "getting off it" means---just being, without grasping or holding or trying. It was a beautiful moment and a peaceful one.

Healing Hashimoto's (or any chronic disease): Listen to Yourself!

The message in this post is short and simple. And I'm not going to make you read the whole thing before you get this message loud and clear: Listen to yourself and your body, no matter what other people say!!!!!

Lately--as you may have read in my previous post--I've experienced a relapse. I went to the doctor three days ago and my latest blood test results confirmed this. My hormone levels have dropped in half since a year ago. In addition, my neurotransmitters have improved but are still quite out of balance---especially my serotonin levels (serotonin is our "feel good" neurotransmitter), and my adrenals are still pooped. I trust my doctor completely, especially because I was very skeptical at first. I was fed up with feeling like crap and was on the verge of going on anti-depressants. She was the fourth practitioner I'd seen in a year. So, I did my research and came to my first half-dozen appointments with a long list of questions. She spent a lot of time with me explaining things. So, this alone built trust. More importantly, however, she's been down the road I've been on. She was diagnosed with Hashimoto's several years ago and tried the Western medicine path to no avail (they just prescribed drugs which didn't get to the core of the problem). So, she went to see a naturopath. Did I mention my doctor is an M.D.? To be brief, her naturopath helped her heal. She still experiences symptoms from time to time during flare-ups, but she is a total convert to integrative medicine. Lastly, my doctor is smart! She sees the big picture of healing. At each appointment she asks me questions not only about my physical symptoms but questions about how my relationship with my husband is going (we are newly married), whether or not I'm exercising, how I'm eating. There is more and more scientific research supporting a holistic approach to healing chronic disease (I highly recommend reading David Servan-Schreiber's book, Anti-Cancer: A New Way of Life for more details on the latest studies being conducted on this). She tries natural approaches first and rarely prescribes medication. The reason for this? She's seen the results of the natural approach! It's as simple as that.

So, like I said, I trust my doctor. I trust my treatment plan. I am fully committed to feeling well. I go to yoga 2-3 times a week. I eat a Paleolithic diet (high protein, a lot of vegetables and no grains). I walk every day. I meditate every day. I see a therapist for emotional support. I'm not saying I always do it perfectly (wine and chocolate are my friends), but I am taking noble steps toward getting better. In other words, I am a dream patient!!!! I am totally committed to the healing process! More importantly, I have experienced feeling better, so I trust that what I'm doing is working which motivates me to do all that I can do to heal. But the healing process is not a straight upward progression, there are peaks and valleys. And the body is complex, so addressing all the layers of what's happening can be tricky and complicated. This means that a pill or pills will not "cure" what ails me. It's a process. Do we really think we can cure a health issue that's been building for 40 years in 3 months? We are such an instant gratification kind of society that it's hard for us to come to terms with the fact that healing involves a process not just a pill. And believe me, if I believed a pill would do the trick, my medicine cabinet would be full! But the research I've done suggests that it takes more than this to heal.

You can see why then, I get annoyed when I share my challenges with friends and colleagues and some of them give me off-the-cuff advice like, "Why don't you just go on meds so you can feel better?!!" or "Are you sure you don't want to try anti-depressants?" or "Have you tried such and such?" Ok folks, enough! I try to have compassion for these types of responses. I'm sure they are only trying to help. I can empathize with the fact that watching your loved one suffer can be painful, and that all you really want to do is try to help them fix it so that they no longer suffer. I can also understand that they may be uncomfortable with hearing someone be real about their health challenges. Or maybe they just have a different idea of what "healing" or "curing" looks like. I often run into people who think that integrative or alternative medicine is a bunch of new-age hooey. They live by the Western medicine paradigm. If they read David Servan-Schreiber's book they might change their view. He strictly believed that Western medicine was the saving grace for any illness until he was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor and experienced a relapse after the standard western approach failed. He ended up using a combination of chemotherapy, dietary and lifestyle changes, meditation, and psychotherapy to help heal his cancer. We tend to believe what we can see, which often means that if there is no scientific research to back it up, then there is no validity to the method. Dr. Mahmut Oz says that there is a gradual movement toward devoting more money toward research on alternative healing methods, but thus far, not many people have wanted to invest in it, therefore there is not a lot of research to support it. But that doesn't mean it doesn't work. Shamans, Tibetans, the Vedics, Native Americans, all of these indigenous cultures have practiced "alternative" healing, often with great success. But that's another blog post.

The reason the off-the-cuff responses are so frustrating to me is that, in my perception, these folks are offering advice that 1) I haven't asked for, 2) is based on a lack of in-depth knowledge about the exact nature of my health issues, and 3) is given without knowing what I've already tried, what has or hasn't worked, and what my treatment plan is now. Believe me, I will ask you for your suggestions if 1) my doctor runs out of ideas, 2) if what I've tried doesn't end up working, or 3) if you have just read cutting edge research that I haven't read already.

So, please people, if you have friends and loved ones who struggle with chronic illness do your research, ask them questions, support them with your awesome listening and empathizing skills but do not give advice unless it is invited! Receiving unsolicited advice when you are already feeling like you're doing everything in your power to improve your health feels like a slap in the face. It doesn't acknowledge what you've already tried and the progress you've made to that point. This may just be my perception so consider it, talk with your loved ones and see how they feel about it. Maybe they feel really supported by your advice because they hadn't thought of your suggestions before. It's just that in my case, I spend about 60-70% of time doing research, talking to my doctors, reading books, listening to my body, and following my treatment plan. I know what I'm doing, I just need encouragement and love and a listening ear when I'm feeling fed up.

That said, I do have people in my life who I feel are very supportive--colleagues, friends, family, my husband, my yoga teacher, my therapist. The best support I receive is when someone simply listens, tries to understand what I'm experiencing, and offers warmth and encouragement. Maybe they can even relate to the challenges I'm facing so I don't feel so alone in the whole deal. In any case, as a recovering advice-giver myself, I understand the urge, but now I'm realizing how little help it truly provides to someone who is struggling.

I know my body well. And I trust my doctor. Most of all, I trust myself and the path that I've taken to get to where I am. The bottom line is that when I take time to listen to my body and myself, there's always new wisdom and guidance revealed about my next step to healing. And I have a smart, supportive doctor to help me with the details. What more do I need? A listening ear, an open heart, and a shoulder to lean on, that's what. Getting healthy and being happy is not automatic. Sometimes we have to work at it---some of us more than others. We need each other---not what's in our heads, but what's in our hearts. That's the good stuff. And that's what helps us heal. So, if you struggle with chronic illness, I'm going to give you some unsolicited advice (remember, I'm a recovering advice-giver): Consider your doctor's advice, the latest research, your loved ones' concerns, but most of all, listen to yourself and your body.

I should also add, that medication (aka, a pill) does indeed help many people. I don't want to sound like I am totally against Western medicine and what it has to offer. Some folks find anti-depressants, for example, to be very useful in taming their symptoms--some for the long-term (years) and some for a shorter period of time like 6mo to a year. I don't want to minimize the dramatic effects some folks experience when they take these medicines. To each his own. It's just that for me, in my case, the problem is much more multi-dimensional. So, back to my advice: Listen to yourself! If meds help you, then by all means take them! If they don't, then explore what works for you. No one can tell you how to heal. They can offer information, suggestions, etc. but you are the one inhabiting your body. I've found that as I get more and more in touch with my body's responses to different choices I make, foods I eat, types of exercise in which I engage, the more I can rely on it to guide me in the right direction.

I invite you to listen and learn and see what you discover.

Autoimmune Disease: Dealing with Relapse

Over the past few months I've been feeling more vitality in my day-to-day life. However, with increased work demands, financial limitations, and, as a result, less money for yoga, I've experienced a relapse in my health. It's disappointing to say the least, but as a psychology instructor who teaches about change and relapse, I should know better, right? Wrong! It's a whole other ballgame when it hits so close to home.

A little over a week ago, I had a more intense teaching schedule than usual. Now, I should mention that "intense" for me is very different from my colleagues' definition of the word. One of my colleagues is around my age and is currently teaching 6 1/2 classes! I am teaching 3 1/2. But when you have an autoimmune disease of which fatigue is one of the primary symptoms, it doesn't take much to tip you over the edge. I should also mention that one of the classes I was teaching that week consisted of ten hours of teaching over two days--2 1/2 hours on Friday and 8 hours on Saturday. It's tiring even when you don't have a chronic illness. I was actually feeling pretty energetic and upbeat going into Friday's class, but I could tell that I wasn't as excited to teach as I usually am. I just didn't have the usual va-va-voom energy. But I got through the class with flying colors---aka, no one ran out of the room screaming, many students thanked me for a fun and informative class, and I felt good about the job I'd done.

That evening, however, I was pooped. I ended up going to bed at 9pm and waking up the next morning at 9am. Yes folks, that's a 12-hour night of sleep. Now, before you get jealous and start wishing you had the freedom to sleep so long, realize that even 12 hours of sleep didn't cure my deep exhaustion. I'd worked Friday evening to Saturday evening, slept 12 hours, proceeded to spend the day with my husband's parents (we had a great time, by the way), and felt pretty good when I hit the pillow. But, when Monday morning came around, it felt like someone hit me over the head with a baseball bat. I dragged myself out of bed and into work, however, after teaching my first class I was even more exhausted. I decided to head home. I ended up taking the rest of the week off--6 days off, to be exact.

The following Saturday I pulled a 13-hour night of sleep. Again, I know you are thinking, "So, what is your problem? I'm lucky if I get 6 hours a night with the baby crying, my kids waking me up at dawn, and my insomnia kicking in at all hours of the night". But again, let me explain. You think that 6 days off cured my exhaustion? Not quite. Obviously, by Saturday I was bushed...again. How did this happen? Every day that week I took time to read, relax, nap, eat good food, take light walks, stretch, meditate, take deep breaths. You'd think with a schedule like that I'd be good to go!

Well, admittedly, I did feel better today (Monday) when I woke up. I actually felt pretty energetic after teaching both of my classes. But I was miffed that it took me more than 6 days of relaxation and 7 nights of luxurious sleep to get there!

After some frustration, tears, and fear that I would never "feel like myself again"--read that as, having the energy to drive across town on any given day to run arrends, enjoy the company of friends, see a movie, go to an art show, or take a walk--I came to a realization: What if I never feel like myself again? Would that be so bad? Would days filled with relaxation, yoga, less teaching and more writing, having friends over more often, and sticking close to home to read a book or enjoy our garden or spend time cuddling with my husband be such a bad life? Hmmm. What exactly am I complaining about again?

I will tell you what (oh, did you think I was going to get all enlightened on you? Well, hold on, I'm getting there)! I'm complaining about the fact that I can't be the woman I used to be. That is, I can't fit as many tasks into a day; I can't go out to as many parties or bars or art shows or music shows in a week; I can't teach as many students or grade as many papers; I can't work out at the gym for an hour each day; I can't drink multiple glasses of wine or eat sugary desserts; I can't multi-task or people-please or be highly productive. Hmmmm.....again I ask, what exactly am I complaining about?

It is an adjustment, this new level of energy. I certainly won't deny that there have been growing pains, resistance, temper-tantrums, and tears. My identity my whole life has been one of "do-er" extraordinaire! I am a strong, kick-ass woman who can lift anything, do anything, get anything done you need doing! But those days may be over forever and it's time I accepted it. It is a new era of putting myself first without being self-centered; spending time with friends on my own terms while still extending a helping hand and a compassionate heart; exercising without overdoing it; serving my students while remaining calm, peaceful, grounded, and relaxed. It's about doing things differently. Doing less, being more and when I find myself needing to "do", doing in a way that is sustainable to my body, mind, heart and soul. End of story.

So, have I been feeling sorry for myself? Hell, yes! Will I in the future? Probably! But what if I just let go, surrendered, accepted my place in the river of life right where I am? I am aware that the people who new me as the old Margaret may not "get it" or even want the new me. This is scary, but, at the same time, freeing! Who will I attract to the me now? Maybe people who really "get" the new Margaret!! Hey, sounds pretty good! I am also aware that I may not be able to bring in as much money as I once could by working more hours, but hey, if I follow my heart, how can I not attract abundance? Like attracts like, right?

I am feeling challenged these days, but I am hopeful. Lately, my days have brought extreme neck and shoulder pain, the heaviness of exhaustion, irritability about the smallest things (oh, my poor husband), impatience at having to take things so slowly, and frustration that I don't have as much vitality as I'd like to have. My fuse is short. My sleeping hours are long. My time with friends is less frequent. My need to slip into bed and read a book in the middle of the afternoon, more frequent. You get the drift. I'm in transition and sometimes I am kicking and screaming my way through all the changes. But, when I get quiet, when I take the time to slow down and rest, I hear my inner voice of wisdom guiding me along the path. I trust that voice with all my heart. I really do. It wouldn't lead me down a path that didn't have some gifts awaiting me. Just because many of my fellow humans are still traveling at the speed of sound does not mean that I need to, and it doesn't make them or me right or wrong. It's just my time to slow it down...big time! And why not enjoy those slow, innocent kiddie rides again? I've spent most of my life whirling on those roller coasters. It's time to get off and take it easy.

All that said, my neck is sore, my stomach hungry, my mind tired. I think I'll lay down now and take a big, 'ol nap!! Sleep tight!

Feeling Better! Hashimoto's and the Path to Healing: Part 2

It's been just over a month since I posted my first story about my path to healing Hashimoto's thyroiditis. I am pleased to report that I am feeling so much better! It happened about two weeks after my post back in October. I woke up, went through my day and kept thinking, "I feel so joyful. I feel so energetic! Look how beautiful the trees are! I feel so good!" I couldn't help noticing my new sense of vitality and a very new sense of loving my life! I have said to friends that it's been years since I've felt this good. But, in fact, I'm not sure I've ever felt this good.

When I was seven years old, I was hospitalized due to symptoms of diabetes. The doctor did some blood tests and discovered that I had hypoglycemia. I was sent home with this diagnosis. However, my parents didn't really know how to deal with it so I kept eating sugary desserts, drinking cow's milk (to which I later found out I was very allergic), and not surprisingly feeling crummy. Not only did I suffer from anxiety and bouts of depression even as a young kid, I also had a chronic cough that wouldn't stop. My family, and even my neighbors noticed it and told me to , "Stop coughing, already!!!" It's was annoying to them and me, but no one knew about food allergies or food sensitivities back then, so no one knew how to stop it.

Throughout my childhood and more dramatically in my college years, I suffered intense sinus infections and ear infections, no doubt caused by my compromised immune system. Doctors prescribed antibiotics, of course, which only served to rob my digestive tract of good bacteria and treat the symptoms but not heal the underlying cause. On top of all of this, I was a very active athlete. In high school I swam 2-3 hours a day and lifted weights twice a week for an hour each day. In college this increased to five hours of swimming a day and three weightlifting sessions per week. I don't remember missing more than 1-2 practices my entire college swimming career. I swam through sinus infections, bronchitis, colds, you name it. This is how it was throughout my childhood and adolescence as well--I didn't miss more than 3-4 days of school per year. I went to school even when I was sick, with the exception of the stomach flu. In my late twenties I came down with pneumonia. By the time I went to see the doctor, she told me that if I had waited much longer to see her, I might have died. In my thirties, I developed serious bronchitis three different times and was laid up for at least 1-2 months each episode. In retrospect, I believe the antibiotics, food allergies, and my active lifestyle all contributed to the breakdown of my immune system. By the time I turned 35, I was exhausted! By the time I was 40, I was dealing with depression, anxiety, extreme fatigue, heart palpitations, insomnia, and serious PMS.

That's when I knew I needed to get help, and fast!!!! First I went to a nurse practitioner who tested my Vit D and Vit B levels. I was significantly low in both. She gave me supplements. She also tested my hormone levels and noticed that my testosterone levels were low. She prescribed DHEA supplements. However, she didn't prescribe an adrenal test, nor did she test my neurotransmitters so I decided to get a second opinion. I went to see a Physician's Assistant, that was recommended to me by a friend (Thanks Lynn!). She immediately tested my neurotransmitters and adrenals. My serotonin levels were very low. My GABA was out of balance. My adrenals were overproducing cortisol at night and underproducing during the day, which meant they were being overworked. She prescribed 5-HTP (an amino acid which is a precursor to serotonin production), Taurine (to rebalance my GABA and help with my anxiety) and a vitamin supplement to support my adrenals. The PA moved to Boulder, CO. a month later. I was bummed. But I asked her to give me a referral to another doctor--one who worked in the same way as she did. She gave me the name of an MD who practiced integrative medicine.

I love my doctors! Dr. Maggie Yu, M.D. and Carrie Jones, N.D. work together to serve their patients at Sherwood Family Medicine. Dr. Yu heard my symptoms and immediately ordered a Hashimoto's antibodies test. Sure enough! I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis. Dr. Yu and Dr. Jones prescribed a gluten-free diet, stress management, selenium supplements, an adrenal supplement called phosphorylated serine, and regular meals to keep my blood sugar levels in balance. She continued the 5-HTP, Taurine, and prescribed a sublingual Vit B supplement.

In addition, I did my own research on diet, exercise, and nutrition. Dr. Jones recommended that I read, Dr. Datis Kharrazian's book, Why Do I Still Have Thyroid Symptoms? From his book, I discovered a nutritional therapist in the Portland area--Nora T. Gedgaudas--who wrote Primal Body-Primal Mind. I also did a lot of online research. I found a wonderful website to help me eat gluten-free: http://www.simplysugarandglutenfree.com/. I met with an Ayurvedic practitioner, Richard Haynes, who prescribed deep breathing, oil self-massage, and specific foods for balancing Vata and Pitta. He also suggested that I forego intense exercise and take slow walks instead, in order to rest my adrenals. According to Ayurvedic medicine, Hashimoto's disease is the result of a Vata imbalance. As a result, light walking and gentle yoga are recommended for rebalancing the nervous system. Dr. Kharrazian confirms this in his book as well. He discusses how weightlifting burns sugars which taxes the adrenals, whereas light aerobic exercise--like walking, slow biking, and swimming-- burns fat. By burning fat, you maintain proper blood sugar levels, putting less stress on the adrenals.

I've also made other lifestyle changes that have helped me significantly. First off, is maintaining a regular restorative yoga practice. I practice three days a week at Om Base Yoga with Todd Williamson. He incorporates meditation and slow stretching with light strengthening poses. I leave there feeling peaceful, relaxed, and with a heightened sense of well-being. Plus, Todd is so fun to talk to, so playful, such a light, that you can't help but smile as you walk out of the studio. Without my practice at Om Base, I would still be a full-on "Type A" personality! I also practice Yin Yoga at home, using one of Paul Grilley's DVD's. He uses 5-minute poses to gently stretch the myo-facial tissues which encase the muscles. It's gentle, relaxing, and feels great afterwards.

Another lifestyle change I made was to cut back on work. I am lucky that I am able to do this. I am an adjunct faculty member at a local college so I set my own schedule each quarter. I've created a sustainable schedule in which I work every other day. That means that my stress levels don't have a chance to accumulate throughout the week. I use my days off to do yoga, nap, cook, write, walk, watch a movie or read a book.

Next, I've proclaimed one day per week as "ME DAY." No appointments, no friends dropping by, no arrends to run, no cleaning the house. This was a recommendation from Dr. Kharrazian. For parents, he recommends taking at least a half-day per week for yourself. It has a made a huge difference! I used to schedule dr.'s appointments, arrends, and dates with friends all on the same day which meant I was driving all over town and totally exhausted by the time I got home. Now, I try to schedule just 1-2 items per day, in the same part of town to minimize driving.

Other changes I've made: 1) Going to bed by 10 or 10:30 and waking up no later than 7 or 8am. This one is hard to do, especially on the weekends. But, when I do it, I feel better--more rested and rejuvenated. 2) Eating my big meal of the day at lunch time, no later than 2pm. This is when our digestive system is at it's strongest and most efficient. It also means less snacking at night time. 3) Reducing time on the computer and in front of the TV. It's helped calm my mind and rest my body. 4) Maybe you'll like this one! At least once a week I hit some pillows with a tennis racket and yell, "No!" at the top of my lungs. I do this to release energy that is stuck in my throat or belly. As women, we're often told that getting angry is not ok. So we stuff it. As they say, "Depression is anger turned inward." Every time I do this when I'm feeling down, it helps me feel lighter and more joyful. Even if my neighbors may wonder what the heck is going on in there!!!

A friend recently reminded me that it's only been 4 months since my diagnosis. She observed how much progress I've made in such a short time. This made me feel really good. I've worked hard to sift through all of the information, make changes in my lifestyle and eating habits, and put myself first even when it's uncomfortable or at the risk of people being disappointed or annoyed. Through this disease my thyroid has been my greatest teacher, and I am so grateful for it's lessons. While the process has been tenuous, uncomfortable, and frustrating, ultimately, I've learned how to love myself, slow down, enjoy life, and relax. I'm not driven by perfectionism or achievement as much as I once was. I exercise to feel good, not to lose weight. It may sound contrite, but I feel like I've got ME back. Not all the time. I still have my lows. But they don't last as long. And I have ways to help myself feel better again. Usually, it just means resting more, and doing less.

My next step? Maintain the changes I've made. Talk to my doctor about the results of my recent food intolerance and adrenal function tests. Gradually increase my exercise to include more of the activities I love, like swimming and biking. Take more baths to reduce stress. Find ways to make work fun. Love my husband and let him love me. Do you see a trend here? Self-care to the max! Self-indulgent? Maybe. All I know, is I feel happier. As someone who is happier, I complain less and laugh more. I have more to offer the people around me. Remember what they tell you on airplanes? Put your oxygen mask on yourself first, then your child. We gotta help ourselves before we can be of any help to others. I always knew this in theory, but now I'm living it. I can tell you this--- it works!

Victim or Creator?

In my psychology classes I do an activity with my students the first week of the term. I ask students to draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper and in the left-hand column write across the top, "I have to..." and then number 1-3 below it. I then ask them to write down three things they have to do. Examples range from "I have to brush my teeth," to "I have to go to work." I then ask them to pair up and repeatedly read their list of "have to" items, each time repeating the words, "I have to." They take turns reading their lists until I say "stop."

Next, I ask them to write across the right-hand column, "I choose to_______ because/so_____ and rewrite their previous list of "to do's" using this new wording. For example, "I choose to brush my teeth, so that I don't get gingivitis," or "I choose to go to work so that I can pay my bills." I then ask them to share this new list with their partner, following the same format as before.

Finally, we talk about how reading the first list differed from reading the second. Some students will say it felt the same and some will say that they feel more motivated by "have to" than "choose to" because there is no question that they will complete the goal or task, especially if it is an important one to them like finishing school or finding work they love. Most students, however, will say that saying "choose to" feels more empowering and freeing than saying "have to." They explain that when they read their "have to" list they felt a heavy weight on them, like they were obligated to do it or like someone was making them do it. On the other hand, the "choose to" list, they say, helps remind them why they are doing the task and this increases their motivation.

We discuss how "have to", while motivating to some, might be more aptly referred to as "victim" language, while "choose to" tends to feel more empowering and therefore might be described as "creator" language. We talk about how, when we choose our actions and behaviors we take ownership of them, we are in the driver's seat, not some higher authority wagging their finger at us, telling us what to do. Therefore, we are creators our lives, no one else.

Why are so many of us resistant to this idea of taking responsibility for our lives? How do creator-types become creator-types? Were they born that way? Or did they learn that it felt better to go through life making lemonade out of lemons instead of sitting by the lemon tree whining and beating their fists on the ground? And if they learned it, who taught them? Or did they teach themselves through observing successful, happy people?

As a college psychology instructor, my guess is that it's a little bit of both. Some of us are born with the propensity towards seeing the glass half full, and some of us are born with the potential for the "half-empty" attitude. Research shows, however, that our genetics do not determine our destiny as a "happy" person or a "melancholic" person. We are not victims of our DNA. Other factors come into play that can tip us one way or the other. Like family, for example, or mentors...

There is a very informative, well-researched documentary out there called, "This Emotional Life" and in it there is a story of a guy who grows up with alcoholic, neglectful parents; they were in a drunk stupor for much of his childhood. As a teenager he was arrested several times for stealing. After getting off on probation for his most recent crime, his probation officer told him that the next time he committed a crime he would be thrown in jail and tried as an adult which could mean a much longer prison sentence. He got a job delivering furniture. One of his deliveries was to a well-to-do surgeon's home in the suburbs. He ended up talking with the surgeon for hours about life and purpose. They ended up spending time together on a regular basis. The surgeon suggested the young man go into medicine. The young man told the surgeon that he didn't even have a high school education so he doubted he would be able to make it to medical school. The surgeon kept encouraging him. The young man eventually became a very well-respected surgeon.

It seems that the power of having a relationship like this--with someone who sees your light, your potential, and who never gives up on you-- is enough to steer you in the right direction. It also seems helpful to have someone in your life who offers unconditional love and support and sits across from you and listens without judgment of your fears, dreams, and hurts. And someone who doesn't buy into your stories about why you don't deserve or can't do or have such and such. Despite this guy's nightmare-ish home environment, he was able to turn his situation around by 1) taking responsibility, and 2) finding someone who encouraged and believed in him.

Another inspiring story of a creator is Randy Pausch's book, The Last Lecture. If you haven't read his book or seen his lecture on Youtube, I highly recommend you check it out. If you are a parent, you may find it even more poignant. Randy Pausch was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer in September 2007. After major abdominal surgery he was cancer free, but the cancer came back and he was given 3-6 months to live. He ended up living four months longer than what doctors predicted. What impressed me most about Pausch's story, was that, not only did he live longer, but he refused to play victim to his diagnosis. His secret? From what I can gather, he was, by nature, a very upbeat, positive person from the beginning (aka, birth) and had very loving, supportive parents who guided him. However, what is most striking about his story is his value-driven existence and his passion for his dreams. He lived according to clear values and beliefs and always had a dream to keep him occupied, whether it was being in zero gravity, playing in the NFL, working for Disney, becoming Captain Kirk, or woo-ing his wife to marry him (if some of these dreams seem unrealistic, check out the book or video, and you'll see how he managed to fulfill all of them). In his lecture, he said, "I don't know how not to have fun!" He seemed to live life with a childlike enthusiasm, even after hearing about his diagnosis. He refused to be a victim.

These stories help remind me to complain less and appreciate more, lighten up and have more fun, and forgive the people who I've perceived have done me wrong. We're all just doing the best we can, right? Like Randy Pausch states in his book, The Last Lecture, "If you wait long enough, people will surprise and impress you...When you're frustrated with people, when they've made you angry, it just may be because you haven't given them enough time....People will show you their good side. Almost everybody has a good side. Just keep waiting. It will come out."

Choose the Opposite Emotion

To live from a higher vibration I was recently offered this idea...

Step 1: Become aware of any unhappy emotions you might be experiencing.

Step 2: Analyse the emotion and ask yourself, "Where did this emotion come from?" Try not to belabor this with overthinking.

Step 3: Choose the opposite emotion as a sort of "eraser" of the previous, lower vibration, negative emotion.

Step 4: Embody the higher vibration emotion.

Ta dah!!!

Thanks Dagmar!

Making Decisions from a New Paradigm

I recently spoke with an Ayurvedic healer; a very wise man with intense blue eyes that look past false exteriors, and stare you down until you offer up nothing but the truth. It's unnerving, really, but also a relief. My "look good" doesn't work on him and I don't want it to. I'm here for some major healing and I'm tired of getting in my own way. I need someone smarter than my lie-telling, crazy-making, pessimistic mind to guide me toward what's going to pump some passion and energy back into my being and my life.

So, he sits me down, looks at me intently (see above) and asks me if I have any questions before we start. I pour my heart out, cry a little, and then say, "No, I don't have any questions but I thought I better give you some background about why I'm so miserable" or something along those lines. He only looks at me and calmly says, "Yes. That's good." He asks me a few more questions and I answer, telling him about how I want to quit my job but don't have the money to do it yet, how I struggle to know my purpose in life, and how I'm too exhausted most of the time to give anything of value to the world. He listens and asks a few more questions then begins to talk.

He explains that Ayurveda considers three elements of a person: the soul, the mind, and the body. The soul is our true essence, the mind is our conditioning, and the body is what tells us whether we're listening to our mind or our soul. In other words, our body is the vehicle for us to realign with our soul. It gives us signals or symptoms for getting back on track. He explained to me that by looking at me he could tell that my body is very strong and can work hard for long periods of time before tiring. He suggested that my body was attacking my thyroid because that was the only way to get me to slow down. If my thyroid couldn't produce more hormones for more activity then I would have to rest. Brilliant! My body is telling me to slow down! He continued by telling me that if I can learn to move through my life in a relaxed state rather than in a hyper-aroused(aka, fight or flight) state, then my body would be able to heal itself.

I heard recently that 95% of all diseases are caused by stress. I'm not surprised. Lately, I've been using a heart rate monitor to gauge my level of stress. I walk around the house, walk our dog, cook dinner and watch my heart rate go up and down. When I am in my body, walking slowly, breathing deeply I watch my heart rate drop. When I am in my head, worrying about the next thing on my "to-do" list, moving at a fast pace, forgetting to breathe, I watch my heart rate go up. It can change in seconds which just goes to show how powerful our minds are. At any given moment we can choose a thought and that thought can lead to a slowing or hastening of our heart beat.

It hasn't been easy, but I've turned down extra work (which means extra money), alluring social invitations, and calls for help from friends who are used to my support. I've also stayed away from intense gym workouts and weight lifting sessions and opted for restorative yoga classes and light walks instead. I've focused on making lunch my biggest meal of the day in order to support healthier digestion and I've made cooking more of a priority. I try to go to bed around the same time each night and wake up around the same time each morning (this has been my biggest challenge). It's all a work in progress so I can't say that I am feeling dramatically better. However, it feels good to put myself first for a change rather than giving in to the external pressures of friends and work and "to do" lists. I've had to shift some core beliefs (like the one about my work defining who I am), shake off fears (of friends ditching me or running out of money), and really accept my body as it is (rather than obsessively trying to shed the extra pounds). It's truly a paradigm shift--a complete turn-around from my longstanding belief system. But, it feels good--empowering---and that's a start, right?

Hashimoto's Disease and The Path to Healing

It has been awhile since I've posted. I've been absorbing a lot of incoming information since being diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease about two months ago. Hashimoto's (aka, "Harry Schmoto's, as a friend of mine likes to call it) or thyroiditis, is an autoimmune disease affecting thyroid function. It is one of the most common causes of hypothyroidism and fortunately, quite treatable. Basically, the body attacks the tissues of the thyroid, causing symptoms of an underactive (depression, weight gain, fatigue) and overactive (anxiety, insomnia, weight loss, heart palpatations) thyroid intermittently. My diagnosis is a huge relief as I have been struggling with alternating periods of anxiety and depression over the past few years--a lot of peaks and valleys without much of an even ground. Now I realize that I'm not off my rocker, I'm just dealing with an endocrine system that is out of balance.

While, yes, it is a relief to know what's happening, it is also a bit overwhelming as there is so much information out there to sift through and many different treatment protocols, depending on what doctor you talk to or what research you read. The more I learn about the thyroid and the healing process of this disease, the more complicated it feels. But alas, I have a great team of healers on my side, guiding and encouraging me. I am seeing an ND, an MD, and recently sought advice from an Ayurvedic practitioner. I've also emailed several friends of mine who are naturopaths and they have been gracious enough to give me friendly advice free of charge. In addition, I am reading a very enlightening book by Dr. Datis Kharrazian called Why Do I Still Have Thyroid Symptoms? While it does contain a lot of information--some of it confusing scientific terminology--it has helped my understanding of the disease and how to treat it naturally.

This onslaught of incoming information is certainly exercising my muscles of discernment. One doctor says this, another says that. Sometimes they agree, sometimes they disagree. Ultimately, what I've decided to do is try out different ideas and see which feels better. For example, my MD suggests that I eat six small meals a day to maintain healthy blood sugar levels, while my Ayurvedic practitioner says that eating three meals a day (a light breakfast, good-sized lunch, and healthy dinner) better enables my digestive tract to heal. I like the three meals a day plus a snack. My MD reiterates, at each visit, the importance of balancing my adrenals, while a chiropractor on the web prioritizes detoxing the GI tract of parasites and yeast. I'm focusing on both by eating regularly throughout the day, practicing deep breathing, and taking probiotics. Needless to say, it's easier and far more reassuring when the advice overlaps. My ND tells me to work on "stress management" and my Ayurvedic practitioner spends an hour teaching me deep breathing exercises. The advice I received from both my ND and MD was to go gluten-free. Likewise, my three naturopathic friends confirmed that they'd seen patients benefit from removing gluten from their diet. As an aside, supposedly the molecular structure of gluten resembles that of the thyroid gland. For those patients with Hashimoto's disease, eating gluten triggers an autoimmune response in the body which heightens the symptoms of the disorder (Kharrazian, 2010).

In a nutshell, what I've discovered so far, from my reading, my consulting, and my appointments with various healers is that the endocrine system (of which the thyroid is a part) is intricately connected and dependent on other systems in the body. An example of this is the the nervous system. A calm nervous system leads to healthy digestion and therefore, prevents overtaxed adrenal glands and an overactive inflammatory response. More specifically, when our sympathetic nervous system (aka, "fight or flight") runs the show, it actually subdues or shuts down digestion (after all, who needs to digest food when you're fighting or running away from a sabre tooth tiger) which causes the adrenals to pump out cortisol. This triggers the autoimmune (or inflammatory) response which causes the body to attack the tissues of the thyroid. An inefficient digestive system can cause all sorts of problems from neurotransmitter depletion to "leaky gut". In fact, the largest producer of serotonin is not in the brain but in the GI tract (www.drkaslow.com). "Leaky gut" happens when damage to the intestinal lining causes intestinal permeability which, in turn, allows partially digested food, bacteria, and waste to be released into the bloodstream. This triggers an inflammatory response in the body (www.drweil.com).

Phew! See? There's a lot of information to synthesize and make sense out of. It's been frustrating not having a clearly marked path of healing to follow. It's also been disheartening to feel crummy more days than not even though I've made dietary and lifestyle changes. But it's early in the healing process and, again, there is no black and white, "magic" path. I ran into a woman at the grocery store the other day who said it took her 14 months to feel better once she changed her diet. That's not to say it will take me that long, but it was comforting to hear her story because it reminded me to stoke the fires of faith and patience--two key ingredients for calming the nervous system! If I'm constantly worrying about what supplements to take, what foods to eat, how much to exercise, how often to rest, I'm going to create more anxiety and thus more stress in my body which will trigger the autoimmune response. It would almost be better to peacefully, quietly eat a chocolate chip cookie while breathing deeply afterwards than to worry about every little thing I put into my mouth and what it will do to my body. Eating the cookie sounds like a lot more fun and it doesn't cause the domino effect of the autoimmune response. Eh hem, to be clear, I am not suggesting that people eat more cookies. However, Ayurvedic philosophy suggests that how you eat (chewing slowly in a peaceful environment) is more important than what you eat. Hmmm....something to ponder.

It's funny, the behavior that got me into this mess in the first place was that Type A, high-achiever attitude that wants to "fix" things, perfect one's performance, please others, and do whatever it takes to win, succeed, be healthy, etc. What I'm realizing first hand from this diagnosis is that being (the term my yoga teacher uses often) is the door to health: taking baths, deeply breathing as I take my dog on a walk, feeling my body in the yoga poses instead of reciting my "to do" list, noticing hunger in my body and then eating slowly and chewing my food thoroughly, or feeling my chest tighten when I'm feeling angry or scared or sad. These kinds of activities are antithetical to the persona of "athlete", "heroine", "warrioress" with which I used to identify so closely. It's not easy to remember to "be" instead of "do", but when I do remember, I feel so much better.

One of the best pieces of advice I've received recently is from one of my naturopathic friends, "Be happy, focus on health and vitality and don't worry about...(insert a list of issues that I was concerned about)." Underline the word "be".

P.S. I'm realizing that while taking care of myself is really important, things like teaching my students, listening to my husband, reading and spending time with friends, also help me get out of my head and remember that there is a whole world out there! It's a fine balance between self-love and self-absorption. A dear mentor of mine taught me a very useful affirmation, "I am not my body." Right now, he is living with Parkinson's disease and, yet, he has not abandoned this affirmation. Go Matt! I have another friend who is fighting cancer. She manages to keep a sense of humor even when she's faced with one diagnosis after the next. Her body may be frail right now, but her spirit is still robust and strong. Go Kath!!! Caroline Myss is another inspiration to me. Her book, Anatomy of the Spirit, relates countless stories of people who live with physical disease in their bodies but their spirits are still going strong. Grieving and feeling are certainly part of the process, empathy and encouragement from loved ones is a necessity, but I'm re-realizing that also vital to the path to healing and vibrant health, is strength of spirit.

Just when you want to give up....

It was my birthday last week. It was a hot, muggy day so my husband and I decided to drive up to the mountains and swim in this beautiful little lake we'd heard wonderful things about. We were excited. We hadn't been in the mountains yet this summer and were excited about going swimming in natural, peaceful surroundings (versus a chlorine-filled, concrete pool!). We jumped in the car at 5:30pm (after my husband got off work), jumped onto the freeway, and proceeded to sit in traffic for over an hour. We started getting frustrated and cranky from the heat and stalled traffic. Then I--determined not to let it get me down on my birthday--started making jokes, talking about how great the lake was going to feel, and challenged my husband and myself to start "intending" that the traffic would open up and start flowing at a 55mph pace again. It took about 15 minutes from the time we set our intention, but the traffic did part like the Red Sea (well, maybe not THAT dramatic, but it did start flowing nicely). We were once again excited about our adventure!

About an hour later, after following our very meager directions to the pristine alpine lake we'd heard so much about, we started losing hope. Where is Forest Road 57? Did we pass it? We had no landmarks, no mileage markers, no nothing to tell us if we were close or not. Where the heck is it? I remembered the power of intention again and started intending that we would get to this lake, damn it!!! We tried to make jokes to lighten the mood but both of us (as we later shared with each other) were starting on a downward spiral of hopelessness. I, myself, was starting to wonder whether or not my 41st birthday was going to be a complete bust! And then, about 20 minutes later.....FR 57 pops up--seemingly out of thin air!

Woo hoo! We were on our way again filled with renewed hope and enthusiasm about this adventure we were on. It felt like we were on a scavenger hunt. Just when we were about to turn around and head home a new clue would show itself.

After about 30 more minutes we started losing hope again. We were pretty certain we'd find our next turn off we just weren't sure how long it would take. We were losing light fast and if we didn't find this lake soon we'd have to turn around. A four-hour drive without finding gold? Simply unacceptable!!! I kept my fingers crossed.

A-ha! Our turn off appeared. And then our next turn off appeared (although we almost missed it because one of the numbers on the FR sign was barely legible). Our next challenge was to find the trailhead to the lake. We drove up a gravel road and saw some cars parked to our left. We decided it was a clue but we kept going just to be sure. We started to wonder if there was even a lake close by. And then, I saw a break in the trees on our left. "That looks like it could be it," I said. We turned around, parked our car where we'd seen the others and started hiking up a trail off the "parking lot." It wasn't promising. "We're going up, when we should be going down. This doesn't seem right," my husband, the ecologist said. I was determined. "Let's give it a little longer." We kept hiking. No lake. Kept hiking. No lake. Finally, about 20 minutes later we saw a break in the trees. My husband said, "Now THIS looks promising." I wasn't so sure. Then as we climbed to the top of the hill we saw it--the LAKE was right in front of us!!!! Surrounded by trees, calm, clear...beautiful!!!

We couldn't believe that, after all the twists and turns and all the driving and wandering, we'd finally found it! We had about 45 minutes of sunlight left if we were lucky! We stripped down, jumped in and swam around for as long as the light would allow. Even our sweet pooch who rarely takes more than a quick dunk in water, was swimming wholeheartedly, enthusiastically along with us! It was a sight to behold! A miracle!

As I breast-stroked my way across the lake, listening to the breeze whispering through the trees and watching the light of dusk descend on the scene, I thought, "This is the best birthday ever!!!" The water felt like silk. My husband--who loves swimming as much as I do (which is A LOT)--was dunking and diving and having a grand old time. Our dog was swimming laps like there was no tomorrow. We--our little family--were in alpine lake heaven!

It lasted all of 30 minutes. We got out, dried off, and headed back down the trail to our car. Then it was time to drive 3 hours back home. Yes. You heard right. Three hours. And did I mention that it was after 9pm and we hadn't eaten yet? And did I mention that my husband had put in a full day at work and had driven the entire way thus far and was fully willing to drive the rest of the way home even though he was pooped and had to get up at 6am the next day? We (he) drove for a total of 6 hours that night. Now, that's true love.

To make a long story short. We ate at Taco Bell on the way home. Mind you, it was 11:15pm by then! But we'd done it! We'd found the lake, swam in it, praised it, loved it, laughed about it, and were now eating chicken soft tacos and a bean burrito together in our car, safely on our way to our sweet little home.

What I took away from this is that you just never know when the breakthrough is going to happen. Whatever you're feeling hopeless, lost, confused, frustrated, depressed about could change in an instant!

The weekend proceeded with some bumps in our relationship "road" but by Saturday night it was breakthrough--city once again! A few of the "hot spots"--read, gnarly challenges that we couldn't seem to overcome despite the best of intentions and hours upon hours of conversation--cooled off in no time, no space. We reached heights in areas of our relationship that we didn't know we could reach!!! It was a weekend full of new discoveries, new insights, new experiences about which we'd truly lost hope.

Trust. Faith. Intention. These are the words that my husband and I took away from our experience in the mountains. Something bigger than us lead us to our destination--literally and figuratively. We realized how hard we hold on sometimes (to beliefs, thoughts, ideals, perceptions, grudges) and that if we could just learn to surrender and let go that the path might just be revealed to us with much less effort! I'm also proud to say that we didn't bicker once during this whole voyage. Not once. We laughed and joked a lot. We expressed our doubts. But we never gave up. We worked together and made "it" happen. I'm proud of us. I'm thankful to the "force" (Star Wars analogy here). I'm grateful to my husband for being willing and to myself for staying in the game. Life is a mysterious adventure, isn't it?

Up Against It--Choosing My Light

I read an article a few years back in which a sociologist stated that we lose 10 I.Q. points when we're angry. So, basically, we get dumber when we're angry. I believe it! I can go from a 41-year-old woman who teaches college-level psychology, is married to a caring, loving man, and who pays her mortgage on time every month to a 10-year-old girl having a temper tantrum--pouting, crying, and, yes, sometimes even cursing or yelling(embarrassing but true).

I know that we all get angry. I know that conflict is a part of life. Heck, even John Gottman who has done 35 years of in-depth research on couples says that conflict is a normal part of relationships. However, he states that the "Master" couples (vs. the "Disaster" couples who end up getting divorced or who stay unhappily married) tend to have more positive interactions than negative interactions in their marriage. In fact, he has devised a standard ratio called the 5 to 1 ratio or "Magic Ratio" based on his 35 years of observing couples communicate. He's found that the "Master" couples have five positive interactions to every negative interaction whereas the "Disaster" couples have significantly fewer positive interactions. This is not reassuring as my husband and I go through this "phase" of bickering, power struggles, tantrums, and silent treatments.

I got married almost a year ago. No one tells you how hard marriage can be. And I say "can be" because it's not always hard. We can fly through months of coasting and feeling connected and like everything is hunky-dory. But when we go through one of those growth periods...Whoa! Maybe there are some people who do not go through hard times or "growth periods" in their relationship. Maybe they are in denial. Maybe they just have a very low-key, calm conflict management style. Maybe they are such a good match that they don't have much conflict. Or, maybe their marriage is slowly simmering without them being aware of it. Who knows? Conflict (aka, hard times) can take many forms. In any case, my marriage can feel really hard sometimes. I've heard people tell me that the first year or two can be this way. In fact, I've heard this from enough people to feel fairly reassured. But the frequency of our fights these days is unnerving.

My husband and I are "passionate" people which means when we have conflict we know how to get in the ring and fight. When we are in this "state" of "passion" inevitably my mind comes up with the standard thoughts and fears, "Maybe we're not a good match", "Maybe this is doomed to failure", "Maybe I'm just not up for this!" Ok, I know that these are not helpful thoughts. I know it would behoove me to go do yoga or meditate or get on my bike and get in touch with my enlightened, wise, "inner self". But damn, if that isn't the last thing I want to do when I'm pissed off! Hmmph!!!

Last year, after a fight with my husband that had resulted in three days of silence between us, I emailed a friend on the third day. She'd been married for 10 years. She's wiser than I (I say that because of the super-wise things she says, the fact that she's read all of Eckhardt Tolle's books, and that she seems to still be wildly in love with her husband and he with her) and obviously has more experience with the whole marriage "thing". I told her I was "in it"; that my husband and I were really in the thick of it. She wrote back, "I don't know what your conflict is about but usually when my husband and I are having a conflict I notice that I am wanting to be right. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Drat. Why do we hang on so tightly to the right or wrong game?

What's that about, anyway? Why do I dig my heals in so? What is the fruit in that? What am I fighting for? Ha! The ego strikes again! I once read that the ego's original purpose (way back when we were first being created) was to define ourselves as individuals. Our skin, thoughts, actions, personality all separated us from other humans so that we weren't one big, mushy pot of human stew. However, the theory goes that we've taken it a bit too far. We've built tall, thick walls to protect ourselves. We are so separate from others that we have a hard time empathizing, loving, forgiving. We walk around with our iPods, cell phones, all sorts of technology that isolates us from others. We've even built walls to keep out God/Spirit/Universal Lifeforce/whatever you want to call that higher wisdom to which we all have access.

I've gained a lot of knowledge over the years. But I sure do have a tough time utilizing it when I'm really "in it." With all the yoga, meditation, and self-reflection I've been doing lately I find myself up against a very poignant question: "Am I going to live by my ego or live by my heart?" In other words, and as my yoga teacher would say, "Am I going to choose to shine my Light or not?" I gotta tell you I am fully aware of what the right answers to these questions are but I am having the toughest time choosing "my heart" and "my Light" (just ask my husband)! As Marianne Williamson says, "You can either choose love or fear." Fear seems to be the winner so far but Love makes a comeback on occasion. Promising--maybe. But not exactly where I want to be on the continuum.

I love my husband. I don't always like what he says or does but I do love him. He is a good, brave, kind-hearted man. I am clearly seeing these days how my anger and defense mechanisms and the neuroses that make-up my ego are getting in the way of me enjoying precious moments with not only my husband, but with my students, family, and friends as well. It's a real shame, but I still have a choice. The game isn't over. With some compassion, support, and deep breathing (and maybe a bike ride or two) I know I can live from my love, light, and heart. If I can keep showing up in my relationship--like I do in yoga--I can move beyond this resistance, these behavior patterns or "samskaras" that keep me locked up within the walls of my ego. It's like those long, deep, persistent, gentle stretches in the Yin yoga practice: the fascia is broken down in order to be rebuilt stronger and more pliable than it was originally. Maybe that's what happens in relationships too. We have to break down the walls of the ego before rebuilding a bigger, stronger, more compassionate heart.