Fixing or Finessing Depression?

"O.K. So I am officially depressed!" This is what I said to myself (with way too much enthusiasm, I might add) leaving my doctor's office in February of this year. I'd been feeling low energy (read, exhausted!) and any little thing could tick me off. Not to mention the low libido, cravings for sugar and fatty foods, weight gain, and sleepless nights! What the heck was wrong with me, anyway? I'd just married the love of my life. I was paying off debt successfully and even stashing money into multiple savings accounts. I had a great group of friends, a family who loved me, and I was only working 30 hours a week. What was the problem?

Well, first off, working with people all day who also may be depressed or anxious or have some other mental health issue can be exhausting in itself. And working 30 hours when you're already feeling low energy can push you over the edge. And no one told me how hard the first year of marriage could be! And my exercise routine was out the window. Oh yes, and we were living in the 'hood--and I do not exaggerate. I knew I was "done" with our neighborhood when I was awoken from a deep sleep one night by 4 consecutive gun shots that felt like they were just outside our bedroom window. "We've GOT to get out of here", I told my husband.

So, okay, there were some real life situations that were contributing to the depression I was feeling. But leaving my doctor's office that day I have to say, it felt good to have real, hard evidence that, indeed, I was clinically, officially, physically depressed. I'd met my doctor through a dear friend of mine who suggested I see her after hearing how down I was. She told me that this doctor specialized in hormone and neurotransmitter issues. I called her the next day. And that says a lot for a depressed person! We don't always have the energy to make things happen. But I was desperate to feel better so I made it happen.

She took one look at me, asked me some questions about my childhood and said, "I am 90% sure you have a neurotransmitter imbalance." She was so confident in her "pre-diagnosis" that I left feeling very hopeful. I had my blood drawn and two weeks later she was explaining the results to me. "You've got low serotonin, your GABA is off, your norepenephrin is high and your cortisol levels are too high--your body is working over time. No wonder you feel so crummy." She prescribed me 4 bottles of amino acids and vitamin supplements and told me to come back in two weeks.

"Aaaah! I'm not crazy. My body is just really depleted". I felt really hopeful for the first time in years! I'd tried everything---energy work, psychotherapy, acupuncture, massage, past life regressions, homeopathy---and nothing worked! I never tried medication because I really didn't believe in them #1 and #2 I didn't want the side effects of SSRI's (one of them is low libido and I was already very familiar with that; they also stop working if you take them long enough). I wanted to try everything else possible before getting on medication. But I was getting desperate. This doctor was my last hope. I told myself I would give her a shot, do what she told me to do, give it 6 months and if it didn't work I was taking meds!!! No more messing around! I'm sick of feeling sick and tired!

So, being the Type A person that I am I immediately got online and researched low serotonin, GABA issues, and high cortisol. I found out all sorts of info about how eating certain foods, staying off sugar and alcohol, and exercising everyday in the daylight can help people feel better. I started a strict regimen. I told my husband to hide the sweets and no more wine for me for awhile! I started going to the gym more often and walking our dog in the mornings. I cut back on work. We moved to a better neighborhood and a beautiful house with lot's of light. I signed up for my first yoga immersion.....

All of these action steps were good steps for me. They helped.... a lot! So, what I'm about to say doesn't cancel that out. But, there's only so much "fixing" you can do. I saw my doctor in February and by April, I had put a plan in place that assured all the "externals" were where they needed to be so that I could start thriving again. I continued taking my supplements religiously, walking my dog every day, and cutting out sugar and alcohol for weeks at a time (and then treating myself with a drink or a cookie before going back on my "plan" again). I also started writing in a journal and painting again. I was working less and resting more. My husband and I were getting into a good groove with the whole marriage-thing. So, I was starting to feel better and that felt good!

I was even sleeping better but there was still something "off." I still woke up every morning to the negative, obsessive voices that told me to worry about that or that I didn't do that right or that I'll never have that or that there was inherently something wrong with me, my life, etc. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Then I started a yoga practice every morning. I started the yoga immersion I told you about in my last entry. I woke up every morning at 6am--as religiously as brushing my teeth every morning. I went to that first class and was hooked. Why was I so hooked, eventhough I wasn't getting the endorphin rush from a hard yoga workout? It was because for that one hour and a half I experienced a break from my monkey mind. That's it in a nutshell. The meditation and yoga practice my teacher introduced to me helped me "neglect" (as he says) a bad habit that had become so ingrained in me that I thought it was me.

And that's the finessing part of healing depression: differentiating the depression from who you are. I had believed all of those voices that told me some really horrible things about myself. But my new yoga practice gave me enough distance from that voice to realize it was a fascade. The voice was full of shit. I was so much more than what it was telling me.

So, it was a combo of physical imbalances going on in my body and brain but also the deeply ingrained thought patterns and beliefs that were causing the depression. Research on depression consistently states that cognitive restructuring (challenging negative thought distortions--those thoughts that distort reality like, "If I feel like a failure, I am a failure") combined with meds (for some people) and regular exercise helps cure depression. And it is cureable, by the way (I've even seen research about how amino acids--5HTP for example--can improve the symptoms of depression by 50%). Yoga was my cognitive restructuring. It gently, persistently, lovingly showed me a different possibility about who I am. Hey, I might actually be an alright person. In fact, I might be a stellar person!

The space my yoga practice gives me now helps me identify the "little me" as my yoga teacher calls it--that nasty, demoralizing voice that finds reasons for being defensive, angry, annoyed with myself and other people in my life. And it opens me up to the "older, wiser me" that my yoga teacher refers to; that part of me that transcends the complaining and finger-pointing and serves up compassion, faith and kindness instead.

So, I'm starting to "get it". I'm starting to "be" with myself in this new way. A more loving, grounded, wise way. I'm starting to empathize more and judge less (although this one is going to take some time). When I get stuck in a funk these days I try as best I can to come back to my yoga practice or remember to breathe or email my yoga teacher for some reminders. We can't do this deep personal work in isolation. At least I can't. I need my peeps, my sources of inspiration, the love of my husband and friends and family.

We are such a "fix-it" society. And depression is such a taboo topic that is so misunderstood. You can't just "buck up and cheer up." It doesn't work that way. It is a full-body illness. It's like your brain has a cold. It affects you on many levels--how you sleep, what and how much you eat, your mood, your energy level, your immune system, and your ability to think clearly. I was talking to a colleague of mine today and she told me about a time--about 15 years ago---when she was hit hard by a major depression. She described it like someone pulling a cork out of her, draining her of her joy to the extent that she didn't recognize herself anymore. What a perfect description. If you've been there you know what she's talking about. If you haven't, you can probably get an idea.

Depression responds to those external "fixes"--of course it does. But maybe it's the finessing that really whoos back the true essence of a person. Finessing that glimmer of light into a raging fire again. In my experience at least, it takes time and patience and small steps but it also takes being still with myself, getting support, and getting back in touch with who I really am--that person that only I know during those quiet times when I'm alone in a room with just my heartbeat to keep me company. The type of yoga I've found helps me do that. It's about "being" vs "doing". When I just AM, it's almost like I magnetize to me the resources, people, opportunities I need to get to the next step. And it's so hard to have faith in this when I'm "in it" but when I remember it magic seems to happen!

Finessing or fixing? Fixing is alright for awhile, but then it turns into something akin to resisting....resisting life, the flow of the river, our essence: "Now, you feel better right now or else!" How about just letting go and being for a change? Even if it's messy or sad or scary or tired or not-so-pretty? How about finessing--gently coaxing--the sweetness of who we are into this moment? Something that might sound like, "How about a warm bath, Depression? Or a hug? Or a walk in the woods or some quiet time?" Wouldn't that feel good?

The Yoga of Getting Unstuck

I feel stuck in a job that's lost it's pizzaz, it's sparkle, it's excitement. I'm like many people out there who know they want to make a career change but don't quite know where to get started or how. I'm not even convinced that a change is in order, but I do know that something needs to shift--either internally or externally. I'm not sure which.

I look back on changes I've made in the past; usually they happen in an instant-- a moment of courageous action or a twist of fate. I finally got up the nerve to make that cold call or I met the right person at the right time. In fact, the former is how I got my current job and the latter is how I met my husband. Magic, in an instant. No time. No space. No effort.

But this time it's different. There has been so much indecision. So much back and forth. I'm not convinced that leaving my job is the right thing, but staying in it is making me miserable.

Recently, I found a new yoga instructor. Last month I completed my first three-week yoga immersion and I am now in the middle of my second. I've gotten up before 7:00 every morning for the past five weeks for the first time in 20 years! This alone was enough for a huge shift to occur. However, there's more to it than that. This is the first time I've taken a yoga class that emphasizes "being" rather than "doing." That is, the poses are a means to an end, not an end in themselves. I'm not leaving yoga feeling like I got a full-body workout but I do leave with a sense of spaciousness and deep relaxation in my body. The aches and pains diminish or disappear. My thoughts go from 100mph to a meandering 5mph. I experience a new sense of openness, stillness, balance.

When I started the immersion I thought it would be a good way to get back in shape and restart my yoga practice. But as I lay in meditation during the first class I thought, "I'm in for much more than I bargained for here"!!! He used the metaphor of a river. "Are you swimming upstream or downstream?" he asked. I'd heard this metaphor used before but somehow I was hearing it for the first time and in a new way. "Crap. I've been resisting. I'm good at resisting. How do I stop resisting?".

I continued to breathe and listen to his words. All those words he spoke started resonating deeply with me. Then we slowly got up and started a series of poses. It wasn't what I expected. The poses were more about being in the moment, stretching slowly and deliberately, rather than muscling our way through the practice. I left thinking, "That can't be all there is. Where's the physical workout?" And yet, I was starting to feel a deep peacefulness I hadn't felt before.

I came back the next day. Same thing. And the next day after that. Same thing. As we practiced a slower, more deliberate series of poses and as I was reminded of the river metaphor during each meditation, I felt myself moving more and more deeply within. I couldn't wait to get out of bed in the morning (also something new to me!). Going to yoga started to feel like coming home. I stopped obsessing so much and started hearing that voice of wisdom. The one that says to stop worrying and to have faith. I wasn't driving myself crazy anymore with long to-do lists and "Gotta do it now!" mania. I felt more connected to myself in some way. More calm and peaceful. My yoga instructor has described it as a vertical way of being rather than an horizontal way of being. It's hard to explain but it works.

So that is what I'm calling the "Yoga of getting unstuck"~ moving from within first and then listening for the next step. Right now my next step is this one--right here and right now. My mind wants an answer so badly! It wants to know, "Do I leave my job or do I stay? If I leave what do I do next? How do I make money? " Blah. Blah. Blah. This is crazy-making. So I'm trying something different. I'm "being" with the confusion, the frustration, the angst. I'm breathing instead of thinking. I'm feeling the new spaciousness in my body. It feels good!

What's on the other side of all this doing and thinking? I intend to find out one breath at a time!