Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Feeling Better! Hashimoto's and the Path to Healing: Part 2

It's been just over a month since I posted my first story about my path to healing Hashimoto's thyroiditis. I am pleased to report that I am feeling so much better! It happened about two weeks after my post back in October. I woke up, went through my day and kept thinking, "I feel so joyful. I feel so energetic! Look how beautiful the trees are! I feel so good!" I couldn't help noticing my new sense of vitality and a very new sense of loving my life! I have said to friends that it's been years since I've felt this good. But, in fact, I'm not sure I've ever felt this good.

When I was seven years old, I was hospitalized due to symptoms of diabetes. The doctor did some blood tests and discovered that I had hypoglycemia. I was sent home with this diagnosis. However, my parents didn't really know how to deal with it so I kept eating sugary desserts, drinking cow's milk (to which I later found out I was very allergic), and not surprisingly feeling crummy. Not only did I suffer from anxiety and bouts of depression even as a young kid, I also had a chronic cough that wouldn't stop. My family, and even my neighbors noticed it and told me to , "Stop coughing, already!!!" It's was annoying to them and me, but no one knew about food allergies or food sensitivities back then, so no one knew how to stop it.

Throughout my childhood and more dramatically in my college years, I suffered intense sinus infections and ear infections, no doubt caused by my compromised immune system. Doctors prescribed antibiotics, of course, which only served to rob my digestive tract of good bacteria and treat the symptoms but not heal the underlying cause. On top of all of this, I was a very active athlete. In high school I swam 2-3 hours a day and lifted weights twice a week for an hour each day. In college this increased to five hours of swimming a day and three weightlifting sessions per week. I don't remember missing more than 1-2 practices my entire college swimming career. I swam through sinus infections, bronchitis, colds, you name it. This is how it was throughout my childhood and adolescence as well--I didn't miss more than 3-4 days of school per year. I went to school even when I was sick, with the exception of the stomach flu. In my late twenties I came down with pneumonia. By the time I went to see the doctor, she told me that if I had waited much longer to see her, I might have died. In my thirties, I developed serious bronchitis three different times and was laid up for at least 1-2 months each episode. In retrospect, I believe the antibiotics, food allergies, and my active lifestyle all contributed to the breakdown of my immune system. By the time I turned 35, I was exhausted! By the time I was 40, I was dealing with depression, anxiety, extreme fatigue, heart palpitations, insomnia, and serious PMS.

That's when I knew I needed to get help, and fast!!!! First I went to a nurse practitioner who tested my Vit D and Vit B levels. I was significantly low in both. She gave me supplements. She also tested my hormone levels and noticed that my testosterone levels were low. She prescribed DHEA supplements. However, she didn't prescribe an adrenal test, nor did she test my neurotransmitters so I decided to get a second opinion. I went to see a Physician's Assistant, that was recommended to me by a friend (Thanks Lynn!). She immediately tested my neurotransmitters and adrenals. My serotonin levels were very low. My GABA was out of balance. My adrenals were overproducing cortisol at night and underproducing during the day, which meant they were being overworked. She prescribed 5-HTP (an amino acid which is a precursor to serotonin production), Taurine (to rebalance my GABA and help with my anxiety) and a vitamin supplement to support my adrenals. The PA moved to Boulder, CO. a month later. I was bummed. But I asked her to give me a referral to another doctor--one who worked in the same way as she did. She gave me the name of an MD who practiced integrative medicine.

I love my doctors! Dr. Maggie Yu, M.D. and Carrie Jones, N.D. work together to serve their patients at Sherwood Family Medicine. Dr. Yu heard my symptoms and immediately ordered a Hashimoto's antibodies test. Sure enough! I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis. Dr. Yu and Dr. Jones prescribed a gluten-free diet, stress management, selenium supplements, an adrenal supplement called phosphorylated serine, and regular meals to keep my blood sugar levels in balance. She continued the 5-HTP, Taurine, and prescribed a sublingual Vit B supplement.

In addition, I did my own research on diet, exercise, and nutrition. Dr. Jones recommended that I read, Dr. Datis Kharrazian's book, Why Do I Still Have Thyroid Symptoms? From his book, I discovered a nutritional therapist in the Portland area--Nora T. Gedgaudas--who wrote Primal Body-Primal Mind. I also did a lot of online research. I found a wonderful website to help me eat gluten-free: http://www.simplysugarandglutenfree.com/. I met with an Ayurvedic practitioner, Richard Haynes, who prescribed deep breathing, oil self-massage, and specific foods for balancing Vata and Pitta. He also suggested that I forego intense exercise and take slow walks instead, in order to rest my adrenals. According to Ayurvedic medicine, Hashimoto's disease is the result of a Vata imbalance. As a result, light walking and gentle yoga are recommended for rebalancing the nervous system. Dr. Kharrazian confirms this in his book as well. He discusses how weightlifting burns sugars which taxes the adrenals, whereas light aerobic exercise--like walking, slow biking, and swimming-- burns fat. By burning fat, you maintain proper blood sugar levels, putting less stress on the adrenals.

I've also made other lifestyle changes that have helped me significantly. First off, is maintaining a regular restorative yoga practice. I practice three days a week at Om Base Yoga with Todd Williamson. He incorporates meditation and slow stretching with light strengthening poses. I leave there feeling peaceful, relaxed, and with a heightened sense of well-being. Plus, Todd is so fun to talk to, so playful, such a light, that you can't help but smile as you walk out of the studio. Without my practice at Om Base, I would still be a full-on "Type A" personality! I also practice Yin Yoga at home, using one of Paul Grilley's DVD's. He uses 5-minute poses to gently stretch the myo-facial tissues which encase the muscles. It's gentle, relaxing, and feels great afterwards.

Another lifestyle change I made was to cut back on work. I am lucky that I am able to do this. I am an adjunct faculty member at a local college so I set my own schedule each quarter. I've created a sustainable schedule in which I work every other day. That means that my stress levels don't have a chance to accumulate throughout the week. I use my days off to do yoga, nap, cook, write, walk, watch a movie or read a book.

Next, I've proclaimed one day per week as "ME DAY." No appointments, no friends dropping by, no arrends to run, no cleaning the house. This was a recommendation from Dr. Kharrazian. For parents, he recommends taking at least a half-day per week for yourself. It has a made a huge difference! I used to schedule dr.'s appointments, arrends, and dates with friends all on the same day which meant I was driving all over town and totally exhausted by the time I got home. Now, I try to schedule just 1-2 items per day, in the same part of town to minimize driving.

Other changes I've made: 1) Going to bed by 10 or 10:30 and waking up no later than 7 or 8am. This one is hard to do, especially on the weekends. But, when I do it, I feel better--more rested and rejuvenated. 2) Eating my big meal of the day at lunch time, no later than 2pm. This is when our digestive system is at it's strongest and most efficient. It also means less snacking at night time. 3) Reducing time on the computer and in front of the TV. It's helped calm my mind and rest my body. 4) Maybe you'll like this one! At least once a week I hit some pillows with a tennis racket and yell, "No!" at the top of my lungs. I do this to release energy that is stuck in my throat or belly. As women, we're often told that getting angry is not ok. So we stuff it. As they say, "Depression is anger turned inward." Every time I do this when I'm feeling down, it helps me feel lighter and more joyful. Even if my neighbors may wonder what the heck is going on in there!!!

A friend recently reminded me that it's only been 4 months since my diagnosis. She observed how much progress I've made in such a short time. This made me feel really good. I've worked hard to sift through all of the information, make changes in my lifestyle and eating habits, and put myself first even when it's uncomfortable or at the risk of people being disappointed or annoyed. Through this disease my thyroid has been my greatest teacher, and I am so grateful for it's lessons. While the process has been tenuous, uncomfortable, and frustrating, ultimately, I've learned how to love myself, slow down, enjoy life, and relax. I'm not driven by perfectionism or achievement as much as I once was. I exercise to feel good, not to lose weight. It may sound contrite, but I feel like I've got ME back. Not all the time. I still have my lows. But they don't last as long. And I have ways to help myself feel better again. Usually, it just means resting more, and doing less.

My next step? Maintain the changes I've made. Talk to my doctor about the results of my recent food intolerance and adrenal function tests. Gradually increase my exercise to include more of the activities I love, like swimming and biking. Take more baths to reduce stress. Find ways to make work fun. Love my husband and let him love me. Do you see a trend here? Self-care to the max! Self-indulgent? Maybe. All I know, is I feel happier. As someone who is happier, I complain less and laugh more. I have more to offer the people around me. Remember what they tell you on airplanes? Put your oxygen mask on yourself first, then your child. We gotta help ourselves before we can be of any help to others. I always knew this in theory, but now I'm living it. I can tell you this--- it works!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Victim or Creator?

In my psychology classes I do an activity with my students the first week of the term. I ask students to draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper and in the left-hand column write across the top, "I have to..." and then number 1-3 below it. I then ask them to write down three things they have to do. Examples range from "I have to brush my teeth," to "I have to go to work." I then ask them to pair up and repeatedly read their list of "have to" items, each time repeating the words, "I have to." They take turns reading their lists until I say "stop."

Next, I ask them to write across the right-hand column, "I choose to_______ because/so_____ and rewrite their previous list of "to do's" using this new wording. For example, "I choose to brush my teeth, so that I don't get gingivitis," or "I choose to go to work so that I can pay my bills." I then ask them to share this new list with their partner, following the same format as before.

Finally, we talk about how reading the first list differed from reading the second. Some students will say it felt the same and some will say that they feel more motivated by "have to" than "choose to" because there is no question that they will complete the goal or task, especially if it is an important one to them like finishing school or finding work they love. Most students, however, will say that saying "choose to" feels more empowering and freeing than saying "have to." They explain that when they read their "have to" list they felt a heavy weight on them, like they were obligated to do it or like someone was making them do it. On the other hand, the "choose to" list, they say, helps remind them why they are doing the task and this increases their motivation.

We discuss how "have to", while motivating to some, might be more aptly referred to as "victim" language, while "choose to" tends to feel more empowering and therefore might be described as "creator" language. We talk about how, when we choose our actions and behaviors we take ownership of them, we are in the driver's seat, not some higher authority wagging their finger at us, telling us what to do. Therefore, we are creators our lives, no one else.

Why are so many of us resistant to this idea of taking responsibility for our lives? How do creator-types become creator-types? Were they born that way? Or did they learn that it felt better to go through life making lemonade out of lemons instead of sitting by the lemon tree whining and beating their fists on the ground? And if they learned it, who taught them? Or did they teach themselves through observing successful, happy people?

As a college psychology instructor, my guess is that it's a little bit of both. Some of us are born with the propensity towards seeing the glass half full, and some of us are born with the potential for the "half-empty" attitude. Research shows, however, that our genetics do not determine our destiny as a "happy" person or a "melancholic" person. We are not victims of our DNA. Other factors come into play that can tip us one way or the other. Like family, for example, or mentors...

There is a very informative, well-researched documentary out there called, "This Emotional Life" and in it there is a story of a guy who grows up with alcoholic, neglectful parents; they were in a drunk stupor for much of his childhood. As a teenager he was arrested several times for stealing. After getting off on probation for his most recent crime, his probation officer told him that the next time he committed a crime he would be thrown in jail and tried as an adult which could mean a much longer prison sentence. He got a job delivering furniture. One of his deliveries was to a well-to-do surgeon's home in the suburbs. He ended up talking with the surgeon for hours about life and purpose. They ended up spending time together on a regular basis. The surgeon suggested the young man go into medicine. The young man told the surgeon that he didn't even have a high school education so he doubted he would be able to make it to medical school. The surgeon kept encouraging him. The young man eventually became a very well-respected surgeon.

It seems that the power of having a relationship like this--with someone who sees your light, your potential, and who never gives up on you-- is enough to steer you in the right direction. It also seems helpful to have someone in your life who offers unconditional love and support and sits across from you and listens without judgment of your fears, dreams, and hurts. And someone who doesn't buy into your stories about why you don't deserve or can't do or have such and such. Despite this guy's nightmare-ish home environment, he was able to turn his situation around by 1) taking responsibility, and 2) finding someone who encouraged and believed in him.

Another inspiring story of a creator is Randy Pausch's book, The Last Lecture. If you haven't read his book or seen his lecture on Youtube, I highly recommend you check it out. If you are a parent, you may find it even more poignant. Randy Pausch was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer in September 2007. After major abdominal surgery he was cancer free, but the cancer came back and he was given 3-6 months to live. He ended up living four months longer than what doctors predicted. What impressed me most about Pausch's story, was that, not only did he live longer, but he refused to play victim to his diagnosis. His secret? From what I can gather, he was, by nature, a very upbeat, positive person from the beginning (aka, birth) and had very loving, supportive parents who guided him. However, what is most striking about his story is his value-driven existence and his passion for his dreams. He lived according to clear values and beliefs and always had a dream to keep him occupied, whether it was being in zero gravity, playing in the NFL, working for Disney, becoming Captain Kirk, or woo-ing his wife to marry him (if some of these dreams seem unrealistic, check out the book or video, and you'll see how he managed to fulfill all of them). In his lecture, he said, "I don't know how not to have fun!" He seemed to live life with a childlike enthusiasm, even after hearing about his diagnosis. He refused to be a victim.

These stories help remind me to complain less and appreciate more, lighten up and have more fun, and forgive the people who I've perceived have done me wrong. We're all just doing the best we can, right? Like Randy Pausch states in his book, The Last Lecture, "If you wait long enough, people will surprise and impress you...When you're frustrated with people, when they've made you angry, it just may be because you haven't given them enough time....People will show you their good side. Almost everybody has a good side. Just keep waiting. It will come out."





Monday, November 1, 2010

Choose the Opposite Emotion

To live from a higher vibration I was recently offered this idea...

Step 1: Become aware of any unhappy emotions you might be experiencing.

Step 2: Analyse the emotion and ask yourself, "Where did this emotion come from?" Try not to belabor this with overthinking.

Step 3: Choose the opposite emotion as a sort of "eraser" of the previous, lower vibration, negative emotion.

Step 4: Embody the higher vibration emotion.

Ta dah!!!

Thanks Dagmar!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Making Decisions from a New Paradigm

I recently spoke with an Ayurvedic healer; a very wise man with intense blue eyes that look past false exteriors, and stare you down until you offer up nothing but the truth. It's unnerving, really, but also a relief. My "look good" doesn't work on him and I don't want it to. I'm here for some major healing and I'm tired of getting in my own way. I need someone smarter than my lie-telling, crazy-making, pessimistic mind to guide me toward what's going to pump some passion and energy back into my being and my life.

So, he sits me down, looks at me intently (see above) and asks me if I have any questions before we start. I pour my heart out, cry a little, and then say, "No, I don't have any questions but I thought I better give you some background about why I'm so miserable" or something along those lines. He only looks at me and calmly says, "Yes. That's good." He asks me a few more questions and I answer, telling him about how I want to quit my job but don't have the money to do it yet, how I struggle to know my purpose in life, and how I'm too exhausted most of the time to give anything of value to the world. He listens and asks a few more questions then begins to talk.

He explains that Ayurveda considers three elements of a person: the soul, the mind, and the body. The soul is our true essence, the mind is our conditioning, and the body is what tells us whether we're listening to our mind or our soul. In other words, our body is the vehicle for us to realign with our soul. It gives us signals or symptoms for getting back on track. He explained to me that by looking at me he could tell that my body is very strong and can work hard for long periods of time before tiring. He suggested that my body was attacking my thyroid because that was the only way to get me to slow down. If my thyroid couldn't produce more hormones for more activity then I would have to rest. Brilliant! My body is telling me to slow down! He continued by telling me that if I can learn to move through my life in a relaxed state rather than in a hyper-aroused(aka, fight or flight) state, then my body would be able to heal itself.
I heard recently that 95% of all diseases are caused by stress. I'm not surprised. Lately, I've been using a heart rate monitor to gauge my level of stress. I walk around the house, walk our dog, cook dinner and watch my heart rate go up and down. When I am in my body, walking slowly, breathing deeply I watch my heart rate drop. When I am in my head, worrying about the next thing on my "to-do" list, moving at a fast pace, forgetting to breathe, I watch my heart rate go up. It can change in seconds which just goes to show how powerful our minds are. At any given moment we can choose a thought and that thought can lead to a slowing or hastening of our heart beat.
It hasn't been easy, but I've turned down extra work (which means extra money), alluring social invitations, and calls for help from friends who are used to my support. I've also stayed away from intense gym workouts and weight lifting sessions and opted for restorative yoga classes and light walks instead. I've focused on making lunch my biggest meal of the day in order to support healthier digestion and I've made cooking more of a priority. I try to go to bed around the same time each night and wake up around the same time each morning (this has been my biggest challenge). It's all a work in progress so I can't say that I am feeling dramatically better. However, it feels good to put myself first for a change rather than giving in to the external pressures of friends and work and "to do" lists. I've had to shift some core beliefs (like the one about my work defining who I am), shake off fears (of friends ditching me or running out of money), and really accept my body as it is (rather than obsessively trying to shed the extra pounds). It's truly a paradigm shift--a complete turn-around from my longstanding belief system. But, it feels good--empowering---and that's a start, right?

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Hashimoto's Disease and The Path to Healing

It has been awhile since I've posted. I've been absorbing a lot of incoming information since being diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease about two months ago. Hashimoto's (aka, "Harry Schmoto's, as a friend of mine likes to call it) or thyroiditis, is an autoimmune disease affecting thyroid function. It is one of the most common causes of hypothyroidism and fortunately, quite treatable. Basically, the body attacks the tissues of the thyroid, causing symptoms of an underactive (depression, weight gain, fatigue) and overactive (anxiety, insomnia, weight loss, heart palpatations) thyroid intermittently. My diagnosis is a huge relief as I have been struggling with alternating periods of anxiety and depression over the past few years--a lot of peaks and valleys without much of an even ground. Now I realize that I'm not off my rocker, I'm just dealing with an endocrine system that is out of balance.

While, yes, it is a relief to know what's happening, it is also a bit overwhelming as there is so much information out there to sift through and many different treatment protocols, depending on what doctor you talk to or what research you read. The more I learn about the thyroid and the healing process of this disease, the more complicated it feels. But alas, I have a great team of healers on my side, guiding and encouraging me. I am seeing an ND, an MD, and recently sought advice from an Ayurvedic practitioner. I've also emailed several friends of mine who are naturopaths and they have been gracious enough to give me friendly advice free of charge. In addition, I am reading a very enlightening book by Dr. Datis Kharrazian called Why Do I Still Have Thyroid Symptoms? While it does contain a lot of information--some of it confusing scientific terminology--it has helped my understanding of the disease and how to treat it naturally.

This onslaught of incoming information is certainly exercising my muscles of discernment. One doctor says this, another says that. Sometimes they agree, sometimes they disagree. Ultimately, what I've decided to do is try out different ideas and see which feels better. For example, my MD suggests that I eat six small meals a day to maintain healthy blood sugar levels, while my Ayurvedic practitioner says that eating three meals a day (a light breakfast, good-sized lunch, and healthy dinner) better enables my digestive tract to heal. I like the three meals a day plus a snack. My MD reiterates, at each visit, the importance of balancing my adrenals, while a chiropractor on the web prioritizes detoxing the GI tract of parasites and yeast. I'm focusing on both by eating regularly throughout the day, practicing deep breathing, and taking probiotics. Needless to say, it's easier and far more reassuring when the advice overlaps. My ND tells me to work on "stress management" and my Ayurvedic practitioner spends an hour teaching me deep breathing exercises. The advice I received from both my ND and MD was to go gluten-free. Likewise, my three naturopathic friends confirmed that they'd seen patients benefit from removing gluten from their diet. As an aside, supposedly the molecular structure of gluten resembles that of the thyroid gland. For those patients with Hashimoto's disease, eating gluten triggers an autoimmune response in the body which heightens the symptoms of the disorder (Kharrazian, 2010).

In a nutshell, what I've discovered so far, from my reading, my consulting, and my appointments with various healers is that the endocrine system (of which the thyroid is a part) is intricately connected and dependent on other systems in the body. An example of this is the the nervous system. A calm nervous system leads to healthy digestion and therefore, prevents overtaxed adrenal glands and an overactive inflammatory response. More specifically, when our sympathetic nervous system (aka, "fight or flight") runs the show, it actually subdues or shuts down digestion (after all, who needs to digest food when you're fighting or running away from a sabre tooth tiger) which causes the adrenals to pump out cortisol. This triggers the autoimmune (or inflammatory) response which causes the body to attack the tissues of the thyroid. An inefficient digestive system can cause all sorts of problems from neurotransmitter depletion to "leaky gut". In fact, the largest producer of serotonin is not in the brain but in the GI tract (www.drkaslow.com). "Leaky gut" happens when damage to the intestinal lining causes intestinal permeability which, in turn, allows partially digested food, bacteria, and waste to be released into the bloodstream. This triggers an inflammatory response in the body (www.drweil.com).

Phew! See? There's a lot of information to synthesize and make sense out of. It's been frustrating not having a clearly marked path of healing to follow. It's also been disheartening to feel crummy more days than not even though I've made dietary and lifestyle changes. But it's early in the healing process and, again, there is no black and white, "magic" path. I ran into a woman at the grocery store the other day who said it took her 14 months to feel better once she changed her diet. That's not to say it will take me that long, but it was comforting to hear her story because it reminded me to stoke the fires of faith and patience--two key ingredients for calming the nervous system! If I'm constantly worrying about what supplements to take, what foods to eat, how much to exercise, how often to rest, I'm going to create more anxiety and thus more stress in my body which will trigger the autoimmune response. It would almost be better to peacefully, quietly eat a chocolate chip cookie while breathing deeply afterwards than to worry about every little thing I put into my mouth and what it will do to my body. Eating the cookie sounds like a lot more fun and it doesn't cause the domino effect of the autoimmune response. Eh hem, to be clear, I am not suggesting that people eat more cookies. However, Ayurvedic philosophy suggests that how you eat (chewing slowly in a peaceful environment) is more important than what you eat. Hmmm....something to ponder.

It's funny, the behavior that got me into this mess in the first place was that Type A, high-achiever attitude that wants to "fix" things, perfect one's performance, please others, and do whatever it takes to win, succeed, be healthy, etc. What I'm realizing first hand from this diagnosis is that being (the term my yoga teacher uses often) is the door to health: taking baths, deeply breathing as I take my dog on a walk, feeling my body in the yoga poses instead of reciting my "to do" list, noticing hunger in my body and then eating slowly and chewing my food thoroughly, or feeling my chest tighten when I'm feeling angry or scared or sad. These kinds of activities are antithetical to the persona of "athlete", "heroine", "warrioress" with which I used to identify so closely. It's not easy to remember to "be" instead of "do", but when I do remember, I feel so much better.

One of the best pieces of advice I've received recently is from one of my naturopathic friends, "Be happy, focus on health and vitality and don't worry about...(insert a list of issues that I was concerned about)." Underline the word "be".

P.S. I'm realizing that while taking care of myself is really important, things like teaching my students, listening to my husband, reading and spending time with friends, also help me get out of my head and remember that there is a whole world out there! It's a fine balance between self-love and self-absorption. A dear mentor of mine taught me a very useful affirmation, "I am not my body." Right now, he is living with Parkinson's disease and, yet, he has not abandoned this affirmation. Go Matt! I have another friend who is fighting cancer. She manages to keep a sense of humor even when she's faced with one diagnosis after the next. Her body may be frail right now, but her spirit is still robust and strong. Go Kath!!! Caroline Myss is another inspiration to me. Her book, Anatomy of the Spirit, relates countless stories of people who live with physical disease in their bodies but their spirits are still going strong. Grieving and feeling are certainly part of the process, empathy and encouragement from loved ones is a necessity, but I'm re-realizing that also vital to the path to healing and vibrant health, is strength of spirit.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Just when you want to give up....

It was my birthday last week. It was a hot, muggy day so my husband and I decided to drive up to the mountains and swim in this beautiful little lake we'd heard wonderful things about. We were excited. We hadn't been in the mountains yet this summer and were excited about going swimming in natural, peaceful surroundings (versus a chlorine-filled, concrete pool!). We jumped in the car at 5:30pm (after my husband got off work), jumped onto the freeway, and proceeded to sit in traffic for over an hour. We started getting frustrated and cranky from the heat and stalled traffic. Then I--determined not to let it get me down on my birthday--started making jokes, talking about how great the lake was going to feel, and challenged my husband and myself to start "intending" that the traffic would open up and start flowing at a 55mph pace again. It took about 15 minutes from the time we set our intention, but the traffic did part like the Red Sea (well, maybe not THAT dramatic, but it did start flowing nicely). We were once again excited about our adventure!

About an hour later, after following our very meager directions to the pristine alpine lake we'd heard so much about, we started losing hope. Where is Forest Road 57? Did we pass it? We had no landmarks, no mileage markers, no nothing to tell us if we were close or not. Where the heck is it? I remembered the power of intention again and started intending that we would get to this lake, damn it!!! We tried to make jokes to lighten the mood but both of us (as we later shared with each other) were starting on a downward spiral of hopelessness. I, myself, was starting to wonder whether or not my 41st birthday was going to be a complete bust! And then, about 20 minutes later.....FR 57 pops up--seemingly out of thin air!

Woo hoo! We were on our way again filled with renewed hope and enthusiasm about this adventure we were on. It felt like we were on a scavenger hunt. Just when we were about to turn around and head home a new clue would show itself.

After about 30 more minutes we started losing hope again. We were pretty certain we'd find our next turn off we just weren't sure how long it would take. We were losing light fast and if we didn't find this lake soon we'd have to turn around. A four-hour drive without finding gold? Simply unacceptable!!! I kept my fingers crossed.

A-ha! Our turn off appeared. And then our next turn off appeared (although we almost missed it because one of the numbers on the FR sign was barely legible). Our next challenge was to find the trailhead to the lake. We drove up a gravel road and saw some cars parked to our left. We decided it was a clue but we kept going just to be sure. We started to wonder if there was even a lake close by. And then, I saw a break in the trees on our left. "That looks like it could be it," I said. We turned around, parked our car where we'd seen the others and started hiking up a trail off the "parking lot." It wasn't promising. "We're going up, when we should be going down. This doesn't seem right," my husband, the ecologist said. I was determined. "Let's give it a little longer." We kept hiking. No lake. Kept hiking. No lake. Finally, about 20 minutes later we saw a break in the trees. My husband said, "Now THIS looks promising." I wasn't so sure. Then as we climbed to the top of the hill we saw it--the LAKE was right in front of us!!!! Surrounded by trees, calm, clear...beautiful!!!

We couldn't believe that, after all the twists and turns and all the driving and wandering, we'd finally found it! We had about 45 minutes of sunlight left if we were lucky! We stripped down, jumped in and swam around for as long as the light would allow. Even our sweet pooch who rarely takes more than a quick dunk in water, was swimming wholeheartedly, enthusiastically along with us! It was a sight to behold! A miracle!

As I breast-stroked my way across the lake, listening to the breeze whispering through the trees and watching the light of dusk descend on the scene, I thought, "This is the best birthday ever!!!" The water felt like silk. My husband--who loves swimming as much as I do (which is A LOT)--was dunking and diving and having a grand old time. Our dog was swimming laps like there was no tomorrow. We--our little family--were in alpine lake heaven!

It lasted all of 30 minutes. We got out, dried off, and headed back down the trail to our car. Then it was time to drive 3 hours back home. Yes. You heard right. Three hours. And did I mention that it was after 9pm and we hadn't eaten yet? And did I mention that my husband had put in a full day at work and had driven the entire way thus far and was fully willing to drive the rest of the way home even though he was pooped and had to get up at 6am the next day? We (he) drove for a total of 6 hours that night. Now, that's true love.

To make a long story short. We ate at Taco Bell on the way home. Mind you, it was 11:15pm by then! But we'd done it! We'd found the lake, swam in it, praised it, loved it, laughed about it, and were now eating chicken soft tacos and a bean burrito together in our car, safely on our way to our sweet little home.

What I took away from this is that you just never know when the breakthrough is going to happen. Whatever you're feeling hopeless, lost, confused, frustrated, depressed about could change in an instant!

The weekend proceeded with some bumps in our relationship "road" but by Saturday night it was breakthrough--city once again! A few of the "hot spots"--read, gnarly challenges that we couldn't seem to overcome despite the best of intentions and hours upon hours of conversation--cooled off in no time, no space. We reached heights in areas of our relationship that we didn't know we could reach!!! It was a weekend full of new discoveries, new insights, new experiences about which we'd truly lost hope.

Trust. Faith. Intention. These are the words that my husband and I took away from our experience in the mountains. Something bigger than us lead us to our destination--literally and figuratively. We realized how hard we hold on sometimes (to beliefs, thoughts, ideals, perceptions, grudges) and that if we could just learn to surrender and let go that the path might just be revealed to us with much less effort! I'm also proud to say that we didn't bicker once during this whole voyage. Not once. We laughed and joked a lot. We expressed our doubts. But we never gave up. We worked together and made "it" happen. I'm proud of us. I'm thankful to the "force" (Star Wars analogy here). I'm grateful to my husband for being willing and to myself for staying in the game. Life is a mysterious adventure, isn't it?

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Up Against It--Choosing My Light

I read an article a few years back in which a sociologist stated that we lose 10 I.Q. points when we're angry. So, basically, we get dumber when we're angry. I believe it! I can go from a 41-year-old woman who teaches college-level psychology, is married to a caring, loving man, and who pays her mortgage on time every month to a 10-year-old girl having a temper tantrum--pouting, crying, and, yes, sometimes even cursing or yelling(embarrassing but true).

I know that we all get angry. I know that conflict is a part of life. Heck, even John Gottman who has done 35 years of in-depth research on couples says that conflict is a normal part of relationships. However, he states that the "Master" couples (vs. the "Disaster" couples who end up getting divorced or who stay unhappily married) tend to have more positive interactions than negative interactions in their marriage. In fact, he has devised a standard ratio called the 5 to 1 ratio or "Magic Ratio" based on his 35 years of observing couples communicate. He's found that the "Master" couples have five positive interactions to every negative interaction whereas the "Disaster" couples have significantly fewer positive interactions. This is not reassuring as my husband and I go through this "phase" of bickering, power struggles, tantrums, and silent treatments.

I got married almost a year ago. No one tells you how hard marriage can be. And I say "can be" because it's not always hard. We can fly through months of coasting and feeling connected and like everything is hunky-dory. But when we go through one of those growth periods...Whoa! Maybe there are some people who do not go through hard times or "growth periods" in their relationship. Maybe they are in denial. Maybe they just have a very low-key, calm conflict management style. Maybe they are such a good match that they don't have much conflict. Or, maybe their marriage is slowly simmering without them being aware of it. Who knows? Conflict (aka, hard times) can take many forms. In any case, my marriage can feel really hard sometimes. I've heard people tell me that the first year or two can be this way. In fact, I've heard this from enough people to feel fairly reassured. But the frequency of our fights these days is unnerving.

My husband and I are "passionate" people which means when we have conflict we know how to get in the ring and fight. When we are in this "state" of "passion" inevitably my mind comes up with the standard thoughts and fears, "Maybe we're not a good match", "Maybe this is doomed to failure", "Maybe I'm just not up for this!" Ok, I know that these are not helpful thoughts. I know it would behoove me to go do yoga or meditate or get on my bike and get in touch with my enlightened, wise, "inner self". But damn, if that isn't the last thing I want to do when I'm pissed off! Hmmph!!!

Last year, after a fight with my husband that had resulted in three days of silence between us, I emailed a friend on the third day. She'd been married for 10 years. She's wiser than I (I say that because of the super-wise things she says, the fact that she's read all of Eckhardt Tolle's books, and that she seems to still be wildly in love with her husband and he with her) and obviously has more experience with the whole marriage "thing". I told her I was "in it"; that my husband and I were really in the thick of it. She wrote back, "I don't know what your conflict is about but usually when my husband and I are having a conflict I notice that I am wanting to be right. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Drat. Why do we hang on so tightly to the right or wrong game?

What's that about, anyway? Why do I dig my heals in so? What is the fruit in that? What am I fighting for? Ha! The ego strikes again! I once read that the ego's original purpose (way back when we were first being created) was to define ourselves as individuals. Our skin, thoughts, actions, personality all separated us from other humans so that we weren't one big, mushy pot of human stew. However, the theory goes that we've taken it a bit too far. We've built tall, thick walls to protect ourselves. We are so separate from others that we have a hard time empathizing, loving, forgiving. We walk around with our iPods, cell phones, all sorts of technology that isolates us from others. We've even built walls to keep out God/Spirit/Universal Lifeforce/whatever you want to call that higher wisdom to which we all have access.

I've gained a lot of knowledge over the years. But I sure do have a tough time utilizing it when I'm really "in it." With all the yoga, meditation, and self-reflection I've been doing lately I find myself up against a very poignant question: "Am I going to live by my ego or live by my heart?" In other words, and as my yoga teacher would say, "Am I going to choose to shine my Light or not?" I gotta tell you I am fully aware of what the right answers to these questions are but I am having the toughest time choosing "my heart" and "my Light" (just ask my husband)! As Marianne Williamson says, "You can either choose love or fear." Fear seems to be the winner so far but Love makes a comeback on occasion. Promising--maybe. But not exactly where I want to be on the continuum.

I love my husband. I don't always like what he says or does but I do love him. He is a good, brave, kind-hearted man. I am clearly seeing these days how my anger and defense mechanisms and the neuroses that make-up my ego are getting in the way of me enjoying precious moments with not only my husband, but with my students, family, and friends as well. It's a real shame, but I still have a choice. The game isn't over. With some compassion, support, and deep breathing (and maybe a bike ride or two) I know I can live from my love, light, and heart. If I can keep showing up in my relationship--like I do in yoga--I can move beyond this resistance, these behavior patterns or "samskaras" that keep me locked up within the walls of my ego. It's like those long, deep, persistent, gentle stretches in the Yin yoga practice: the fascia is broken down in order to be rebuilt stronger and more pliable than it was originally. Maybe that's what happens in relationships too. We have to break down the walls of the ego before rebuilding a bigger, stronger, more compassionate heart.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Fact or Feeling?

Why are we humans so gullible? What I mean is, it seems like an awful lot of us believe anything and everything our minds have to tell us---especially the negative stuff. This morning my yoga teacher said (in so many words), "The mind is good for two things--being a janitor and being a secretary. The heart is good at the rest."

So, basically, if we want something clean, organized, and well-planned we need our mind. Otherwise we can quite confidently defer to the heart.

Another wise person offered me more good advice today (when it rains it pours). I was telling her my vision for how I would like to live my life and what I would like to do for my livelihood. When I finished she asked me, "If you weren't scared of anything, how would you proceed with making this happen?" I had just finished telling her exactly what I envisioned but this question caused me to freeze. She made a suggestion and asked me what I thought of it. All that came to mind was, "That scares me." Then she said a most remarkable thing: "That's a feeling not a fact. Set aside your fears for a moment. Consider the facts. They may lead you to new possibilities you haven't thought of before." She then proceeded to give me some very concrete, logical steps for how to get where I said I wanted to go. She wasn't buying into my "story"--in fact, she changed the whole plot completely! From my "It's too hard and scary" story to an "It's really not that hard or scary and here's why" story. Brilliant!!! Why hadn't I thought of this stuff?

Answer? Because I was so focused on my feelings that I got swept away by them and forgot all about examining the facts of the matter.

This was my big lesson today: you can't always believe your feelings...or your thoughts for that matter. Most of these come from our past anyways, and what good are these stories to us now? They don't describe who we are today. Sure, they helped mold us into who we are now and we can honor that process, but we are not tied to the stories in any way, shape, or form. We are who we are right now, in this moment! Who do we want to be right now?

So, now I've got my list of not-so-scary, easy tasks that will lead me down a path that is more satisfying than the one I have settled for up to this point. I like what Marianne Williamson says.... "a miracle is a shift in perception." I believe her!


Thursday, June 17, 2010

For love or money?

Today I saw a new doctor who I definitely plan on seeing again. She asked me the typical question, "So what do you do?" and then, after I told her, she asked, "Do you like what you do?" I told her I was burned out and, in fact, was looking for a change. She said, "What are you afraid of?" I told her, "Money. Not being able to make a living doing what I love". She said, "Never do things for the money. Only do things because you love to do them. Ask yourself, 'Am I doing it for the money or doing it because I love to do it?' When you do what you love--when you do what you are passionate about--you will never have to work another day in your life".

She told me about when she used to work in other doctor's offices and how she would do things she really wasn't interested in because she needed the money. Now she owns her own practice (a very lucrative and successful one at that) and "I only do the things I love to do". The smile on her face says it all.

Right now I am a teacher. Would I teach the classes I teach if I didn't get paid? Possibly, with some "tweeks" here and there---a shift in curriculum, the population of students, the venue. This is the tricky part--actually knowing what I want and knowing what it will look like. Maybe the trick is making those small "tweeks", "putting it out there" and taking baby steps so that it can take on a life of it's own. It reminds me of the creative process of writing a song or creating a painting. I had a sense of what the tune would be or what colors I wanted to start with but I rarely had the end product in mind before I started.

I've done three yoga immersions now. My teacher warned me that this latest immersion is only for people who are ready to "have" what they want. I rolled up my sleeves and said to myself, "I'm ready!" But I don't think I bargained for how long the process can take or how mysterious it can be. Patience is the name of the game. Every time I try to create an answer by thinking about it my teacher gently reminds me that "Yes, maybe it will look like that. But instead of focusing on what you might do, focus on being your light and see what happens". Aaahhh. Every time I think I have the answer....

At the end of my appointment today my doctor asked, 'So what do you want to do?" I hesitated because #1 this is a hard question to answer in one minute or less and #2 I'm not sure. But I gave her as close to an answer as I could, ending with, "But I'm afraid what people will think". She smiled and said, "Do what you love and what you're good at and people will want what you have to give. You won't even care what people think after awhile". She runs an integrative health practice in which she uses natural healing methods for helping the body heal itself--nutritional supplementation, bio-identical hormones, lifestyle recommendations. Sounds like prescription medications are last on her list of treatment options if they are on her list at all. She has other doctors calling her regularly to chew her out for practicing in this way despite the progress they are seeing in their patients. They argue that their patients' "progress is only due to the placebo effect". She knows better and tells them so and then hangs up and continues to help people feel better who have suffered for years. I admire her tenacity.

I'm not quite sure what my next "career" will look like. But I do feel the current of the river carrying me along, supporting me, showing me people and opportunities that may give me some clues. It's so hard to be patient sometimes. So hard not to obsess and try to figure it all out. For now I will do my best to listen to my yoga teacher's words echoing in my ears, "Just be your light and see what happens" and my doctor's passion for what she does reminding me to "Do it for love, not for the money".








Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Fixing or Finessing Depression?

"O.K. So I am officially depressed!" This is what I said to myself (with way too much enthusiasm, I might add) leaving my doctor's office in February of this year. I'd been feeling low energy (read, exhausted!) and any little thing could tick me off. Not to mention the low libido, cravings for sugar and fatty foods, weight gain, and sleepless nights! What the heck was wrong with me, anyway? I'd just married the love of my life. I was paying off debt successfully and even stashing money into multiple savings accounts. I had a great group of friends, a family who loved me, and I was only working 30 hours a week. What was the problem?

Well, first off, working with people all day who also may be depressed or anxious or have some other mental health issue can be exhausting in itself. And working 30 hours when you're already feeling low energy can push you over the edge. And no one told me how hard the first year of marriage could be! And my exercise routine was out the window. Oh yes, and we were living in the 'hood--and I do not exaggerate. I knew I was "done" with our neighborhood when I was awoken from a deep sleep one night by 4 consecutive gun shots that felt like they were just outside our bedroom window. "We've GOT to get out of here", I told my husband.

So, okay, there were some real life situations that were contributing to the depression I was feeling. But leaving my doctor's office that day I have to say, it felt good to have real, hard evidence that, indeed, I was clinically, officially, physically depressed. I'd met my doctor through a dear friend of mine who suggested I see her after hearing how down I was. She told me that this doctor specialized in hormone and neurotransmitter issues. I called her the next day. And that says a lot for a depressed person! We don't always have the energy to make things happen. But I was desperate to feel better so I made it happen.

She took one look at me, asked me some questions about my childhood and said, "I am 90% sure you have a neurotransmitter imbalance." She was so confident in her "pre-diagnosis" that I left feeling very hopeful. I had my blood drawn and two weeks later she was explaining the results to me. "You've got low serotonin, your GABA is off, your norepenephrin is high and your cortisol levels are too high--your body is working over time. No wonder you feel so crummy." She prescribed me 4 bottles of amino acids and vitamin supplements and told me to come back in two weeks.

"Aaaah! I'm not crazy. My body is just really depleted". I felt really hopeful for the first time in years! I'd tried everything---energy work, psychotherapy, acupuncture, massage, past life regressions, homeopathy---and nothing worked! I never tried medication because I really didn't believe in them #1 and #2 I didn't want the side effects of SSRI's (one of them is low libido and I was already very familiar with that; they also stop working if you take them long enough). I wanted to try everything else possible before getting on medication. But I was getting desperate. This doctor was my last hope. I told myself I would give her a shot, do what she told me to do, give it 6 months and if it didn't work I was taking meds!!! No more messing around! I'm sick of feeling sick and tired!

So, being the Type A person that I am I immediately got online and researched low serotonin, GABA issues, and high cortisol. I found out all sorts of info about how eating certain foods, staying off sugar and alcohol, and exercising everyday in the daylight can help people feel better. I started a strict regimen. I told my husband to hide the sweets and no more wine for me for awhile! I started going to the gym more often and walking our dog in the mornings. I cut back on work. We moved to a better neighborhood and a beautiful house with lot's of light. I signed up for my first yoga immersion.....

All of these action steps were good steps for me. They helped.... a lot! So, what I'm about to say doesn't cancel that out. But, there's only so much "fixing" you can do. I saw my doctor in February and by April, I had put a plan in place that assured all the "externals" were where they needed to be so that I could start thriving again. I continued taking my supplements religiously, walking my dog every day, and cutting out sugar and alcohol for weeks at a time (and then treating myself with a drink or a cookie before going back on my "plan" again). I also started writing in a journal and painting again. I was working less and resting more. My husband and I were getting into a good groove with the whole marriage-thing. So, I was starting to feel better and that felt good!

I was even sleeping better but there was still something "off." I still woke up every morning to the negative, obsessive voices that told me to worry about that or that I didn't do that right or that I'll never have that or that there was inherently something wrong with me, my life, etc. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Then I started a yoga practice every morning. I started the yoga immersion I told you about in my last entry. I woke up every morning at 6am--as religiously as brushing my teeth every morning. I went to that first class and was hooked. Why was I so hooked, eventhough I wasn't getting the endorphin rush from a hard yoga workout? It was because for that one hour and a half I experienced a break from my monkey mind. That's it in a nutshell. The meditation and yoga practice my teacher introduced to me helped me "neglect" (as he says) a bad habit that had become so ingrained in me that I thought it was me.

And that's the finessing part of healing depression: differentiating the depression from who you are. I had believed all of those voices that told me some really horrible things about myself. But my new yoga practice gave me enough distance from that voice to realize it was a fascade. The voice was full of shit. I was so much more than what it was telling me.

So, it was a combo of physical imbalances going on in my body and brain but also the deeply ingrained thought patterns and beliefs that were causing the depression. Research on depression consistently states that cognitive restructuring (challenging negative thought distortions--those thoughts that distort reality like, "If I feel like a failure, I am a failure") combined with meds (for some people) and regular exercise helps cure depression. And it is cureable, by the way (I've even seen research about how amino acids--5HTP for example--can improve the symptoms of depression by 50%). Yoga was my cognitive restructuring. It gently, persistently, lovingly showed me a different possibility about who I am. Hey, I might actually be an alright person. In fact, I might be a stellar person!

The space my yoga practice gives me now helps me identify the "little me" as my yoga teacher calls it--that nasty, demoralizing voice that finds reasons for being defensive, angry, annoyed with myself and other people in my life. And it opens me up to the "older, wiser me" that my yoga teacher refers to; that part of me that transcends the complaining and finger-pointing and serves up compassion, faith and kindness instead.

So, I'm starting to "get it". I'm starting to "be" with myself in this new way. A more loving, grounded, wise way. I'm starting to empathize more and judge less (although this one is going to take some time). When I get stuck in a funk these days I try as best I can to come back to my yoga practice or remember to breathe or email my yoga teacher for some reminders. We can't do this deep personal work in isolation. At least I can't. I need my peeps, my sources of inspiration, the love of my husband and friends and family.

We are such a "fix-it" society. And depression is such a taboo topic that is so misunderstood. You can't just "buck up and cheer up." It doesn't work that way. It is a full-body illness. It's like your brain has a cold. It affects you on many levels--how you sleep, what and how much you eat, your mood, your energy level, your immune system, and your ability to think clearly. I was talking to a colleague of mine today and she told me about a time--about 15 years ago---when she was hit hard by a major depression. She described it like someone pulling a cork out of her, draining her of her joy to the extent that she didn't recognize herself anymore. What a perfect description. If you've been there you know what she's talking about. If you haven't, you can probably get an idea.

Depression responds to those external "fixes"--of course it does. But maybe it's the finessing that really whoos back the true essence of a person. Finessing that glimmer of light into a raging fire again. In my experience at least, it takes time and patience and small steps but it also takes being still with myself, getting support, and getting back in touch with who I really am--that person that only I know during those quiet times when I'm alone in a room with just my heartbeat to keep me company. The type of yoga I've found helps me do that. It's about "being" vs "doing". When I just AM, it's almost like I magnetize to me the resources, people, opportunities I need to get to the next step. And it's so hard to have faith in this when I'm "in it" but when I remember it magic seems to happen!

Finessing or fixing? Fixing is alright for awhile, but then it turns into something akin to resisting....resisting life, the flow of the river, our essence: "Now, you feel better right now or else!" How about just letting go and being for a change? Even if it's messy or sad or scary or tired or not-so-pretty? How about finessing--gently coaxing--the sweetness of who we are into this moment? Something that might sound like, "How about a warm bath, Depression? Or a hug? Or a walk in the woods or some quiet time?" Wouldn't that feel good?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Yoga of Getting Unstuck

I feel stuck in a job that's lost it's pizzaz, it's sparkle, it's excitement. I'm like many people out there who know they want to make a career change but don't quite know where to get started or how. I'm not even convinced that a change is in order, but I do know that something needs to shift--either internally or externally. I'm not sure which.

I look back on changes I've made in the past; usually they happen in an instant-- a moment of courageous action or a twist of fate. I finally got up the nerve to make that cold call or I met the right person at the right time. In fact, the former is how I got my current job and the latter is how I met my husband. Magic, in an instant. No time. No space. No effort.

But this time it's different. There has been so much indecision. So much back and forth. I'm not convinced that leaving my job is the right thing, but staying in it is making me miserable.

Recently, I found a new yoga instructor. Last month I completed my first three-week yoga immersion and I am now in the middle of my second. I've gotten up before 7:00 every morning for the past five weeks for the first time in 20 years! This alone was enough for a huge shift to occur. However, there's more to it than that. This is the first time I've taken a yoga class that emphasizes "being" rather than "doing." That is, the poses are a means to an end, not an end in themselves. I'm not leaving yoga feeling like I got a full-body workout but I do leave with a sense of spaciousness and deep relaxation in my body. The aches and pains diminish or disappear. My thoughts go from 100mph to a meandering 5mph. I experience a new sense of openness, stillness, balance.

When I started the immersion I thought it would be a good way to get back in shape and restart my yoga practice. But as I lay in meditation during the first class I thought, "I'm in for much more than I bargained for here"!!! He used the metaphor of a river. "Are you swimming upstream or downstream?" he asked. I'd heard this metaphor used before but somehow I was hearing it for the first time and in a new way. "Crap. I've been resisting. I'm good at resisting. How do I stop resisting?".

I continued to breathe and listen to his words. All those words he spoke started resonating deeply with me. Then we slowly got up and started a series of poses. It wasn't what I expected. The poses were more about being in the moment, stretching slowly and deliberately, rather than muscling our way through the practice. I left thinking, "That can't be all there is. Where's the physical workout?" And yet, I was starting to feel a deep peacefulness I hadn't felt before.

I came back the next day. Same thing. And the next day after that. Same thing. As we practiced a slower, more deliberate series of poses and as I was reminded of the river metaphor during each meditation, I felt myself moving more and more deeply within. I couldn't wait to get out of bed in the morning (also something new to me!). Going to yoga started to feel like coming home. I stopped obsessing so much and started hearing that voice of wisdom. The one that says to stop worrying and to have faith. I wasn't driving myself crazy anymore with long to-do lists and "Gotta do it now!" mania. I felt more connected to myself in some way. More calm and peaceful. My yoga instructor has described it as a vertical way of being rather than an horizontal way of being. It's hard to explain but it works.

So that is what I'm calling the "Yoga of getting unstuck"~ moving from within first and then listening for the next step. Right now my next step is this one--right here and right now. My mind wants an answer so badly! It wants to know, "Do I leave my job or do I stay? If I leave what do I do next? How do I make money? " Blah. Blah. Blah. This is crazy-making. So I'm trying something different. I'm "being" with the confusion, the frustration, the angst. I'm breathing instead of thinking. I'm feeling the new spaciousness in my body. It feels good!

What's on the other side of all this doing and thinking? I intend to find out one breath at a time!