I know that we all get angry. I know that conflict is a part of life. Heck, even John Gottman who has done 35 years of in-depth research on couples says that conflict is a normal part of relationships. However, he states that the "Master" couples (vs. the "Disaster" couples who end up getting divorced or who stay unhappily married) tend to have more positive interactions than negative interactions in their marriage. In fact, he has devised a standard ratio called the 5 to 1 ratio or "Magic Ratio" based on his 35 years of observing couples communicate. He's found that the "Master" couples have five positive interactions to every negative interaction whereas the "Disaster" couples have significantly fewer positive interactions. This is not reassuring as my husband and I go through this "phase" of bickering, power struggles, tantrums, and silent treatments.
I got married almost a year ago. No one tells you how hard marriage can be. And I say "can be" because it's not always hard. We can fly through months of coasting and feeling connected and like everything is hunky-dory. But when we go through one of those growth periods...Whoa! Maybe there are some people who do not go through hard times or "growth periods" in their relationship. Maybe they are in denial. Maybe they just have a very low-key, calm conflict management style. Maybe they are such a good match that they don't have much conflict. Or, maybe their marriage is slowly simmering without them being aware of it. Who knows? Conflict (aka, hard times) can take many forms. In any case, my marriage can feel really hard sometimes. I've heard people tell me that the first year or two can be this way. In fact, I've heard this from enough people to feel fairly reassured. But the frequency of our fights these days is unnerving.
My husband and I are "passionate" people which means when we have conflict we know how to get in the ring and fight. When we are in this "state" of "passion" inevitably my mind comes up with the standard thoughts and fears, "Maybe we're not a good match", "Maybe this is doomed to failure", "Maybe I'm just not up for this!" Ok, I know that these are not helpful thoughts. I know it would behoove me to go do yoga or meditate or get on my bike and get in touch with my enlightened, wise, "inner self". But damn, if that isn't the last thing I want to do when I'm pissed off! Hmmph!!!
Last year, after a fight with my husband that had resulted in three days of silence between us, I emailed a friend on the third day. She'd been married for 10 years. She's wiser than I (I say that because of the super-wise things she says, the fact that she's read all of Eckhardt Tolle's books, and that she seems to still be wildly in love with her husband and he with her) and obviously has more experience with the whole marriage "thing". I told her I was "in it"; that my husband and I were really in the thick of it. She wrote back, "I don't know what your conflict is about but usually when my husband and I are having a conflict I notice that I am wanting to be right. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Drat. Why do we hang on so tightly to the right or wrong game?
What's that about, anyway? Why do I dig my heals in so? What is the fruit in that? What am I fighting for? Ha! The ego strikes again! I once read that the ego's original purpose (way back when we were first being created) was to define ourselves as individuals. Our skin, thoughts, actions, personality all separated us from other humans so that we weren't one big, mushy pot of human stew. However, the theory goes that we've taken it a bit too far. We've built tall, thick walls to protect ourselves. We are so separate from others that we have a hard time empathizing, loving, forgiving. We walk around with our iPods, cell phones, all sorts of technology that isolates us from others. We've even built walls to keep out God/Spirit/Universal Lifeforce/whatever you want to call that higher wisdom to which we all have access.
I've gained a lot of knowledge over the years. But I sure do have a tough time utilizing it when I'm really "in it." With all the yoga, meditation, and self-reflection I've been doing lately I find myself up against a very poignant question: "Am I going to live by my ego or live by my heart?" In other words, and as my yoga teacher would say, "Am I going to choose to shine my Light or not?" I gotta tell you I am fully aware of what the right answers to these questions are but I am having the toughest time choosing "my heart" and "my Light" (just ask my husband)! As Marianne Williamson says, "You can either choose love or fear." Fear seems to be the winner so far but Love makes a comeback on occasion. Promising--maybe. But not exactly where I want to be on the continuum.
I love my husband. I don't always like what he says or does but I do love him. He is a good, brave, kind-hearted man. I am clearly seeing these days how my anger and defense mechanisms and the neuroses that make-up my ego are getting in the way of me enjoying precious moments with not only my husband, but with my students, family, and friends as well. It's a real shame, but I still have a choice. The game isn't over. With some compassion, support, and deep breathing (and maybe a bike ride or two) I know I can live from my love, light, and heart. If I can keep showing up in my relationship--like I do in yoga--I can move beyond this resistance, these behavior patterns or "samskaras" that keep me locked up within the walls of my ego. It's like those long, deep, persistent, gentle stretches in the Yin yoga practice: the fascia is broken down in order to be rebuilt stronger and more pliable than it was originally. Maybe that's what happens in relationships too. We have to break down the walls of the ego before rebuilding a bigger, stronger, more compassionate heart.
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