Just when you want to give up....

It was my birthday last week. It was a hot, muggy day so my husband and I decided to drive up to the mountains and swim in this beautiful little lake we'd heard wonderful things about. We were excited. We hadn't been in the mountains yet this summer and were excited about going swimming in natural, peaceful surroundings (versus a chlorine-filled, concrete pool!). We jumped in the car at 5:30pm (after my husband got off work), jumped onto the freeway, and proceeded to sit in traffic for over an hour. We started getting frustrated and cranky from the heat and stalled traffic. Then I--determined not to let it get me down on my birthday--started making jokes, talking about how great the lake was going to feel, and challenged my husband and myself to start "intending" that the traffic would open up and start flowing at a 55mph pace again. It took about 15 minutes from the time we set our intention, but the traffic did part like the Red Sea (well, maybe not THAT dramatic, but it did start flowing nicely). We were once again excited about our adventure!

About an hour later, after following our very meager directions to the pristine alpine lake we'd heard so much about, we started losing hope. Where is Forest Road 57? Did we pass it? We had no landmarks, no mileage markers, no nothing to tell us if we were close or not. Where the heck is it? I remembered the power of intention again and started intending that we would get to this lake, damn it!!! We tried to make jokes to lighten the mood but both of us (as we later shared with each other) were starting on a downward spiral of hopelessness. I, myself, was starting to wonder whether or not my 41st birthday was going to be a complete bust! And then, about 20 minutes later.....FR 57 pops up--seemingly out of thin air!

Woo hoo! We were on our way again filled with renewed hope and enthusiasm about this adventure we were on. It felt like we were on a scavenger hunt. Just when we were about to turn around and head home a new clue would show itself.

After about 30 more minutes we started losing hope again. We were pretty certain we'd find our next turn off we just weren't sure how long it would take. We were losing light fast and if we didn't find this lake soon we'd have to turn around. A four-hour drive without finding gold? Simply unacceptable!!! I kept my fingers crossed.

A-ha! Our turn off appeared. And then our next turn off appeared (although we almost missed it because one of the numbers on the FR sign was barely legible). Our next challenge was to find the trailhead to the lake. We drove up a gravel road and saw some cars parked to our left. We decided it was a clue but we kept going just to be sure. We started to wonder if there was even a lake close by. And then, I saw a break in the trees on our left. "That looks like it could be it," I said. We turned around, parked our car where we'd seen the others and started hiking up a trail off the "parking lot." It wasn't promising. "We're going up, when we should be going down. This doesn't seem right," my husband, the ecologist said. I was determined. "Let's give it a little longer." We kept hiking. No lake. Kept hiking. No lake. Finally, about 20 minutes later we saw a break in the trees. My husband said, "Now THIS looks promising." I wasn't so sure. Then as we climbed to the top of the hill we saw it--the LAKE was right in front of us!!!! Surrounded by trees, calm, clear...beautiful!!!

We couldn't believe that, after all the twists and turns and all the driving and wandering, we'd finally found it! We had about 45 minutes of sunlight left if we were lucky! We stripped down, jumped in and swam around for as long as the light would allow. Even our sweet pooch who rarely takes more than a quick dunk in water, was swimming wholeheartedly, enthusiastically along with us! It was a sight to behold! A miracle!

As I breast-stroked my way across the lake, listening to the breeze whispering through the trees and watching the light of dusk descend on the scene, I thought, "This is the best birthday ever!!!" The water felt like silk. My husband--who loves swimming as much as I do (which is A LOT)--was dunking and diving and having a grand old time. Our dog was swimming laps like there was no tomorrow. We--our little family--were in alpine lake heaven!

It lasted all of 30 minutes. We got out, dried off, and headed back down the trail to our car. Then it was time to drive 3 hours back home. Yes. You heard right. Three hours. And did I mention that it was after 9pm and we hadn't eaten yet? And did I mention that my husband had put in a full day at work and had driven the entire way thus far and was fully willing to drive the rest of the way home even though he was pooped and had to get up at 6am the next day? We (he) drove for a total of 6 hours that night. Now, that's true love.

To make a long story short. We ate at Taco Bell on the way home. Mind you, it was 11:15pm by then! But we'd done it! We'd found the lake, swam in it, praised it, loved it, laughed about it, and were now eating chicken soft tacos and a bean burrito together in our car, safely on our way to our sweet little home.

What I took away from this is that you just never know when the breakthrough is going to happen. Whatever you're feeling hopeless, lost, confused, frustrated, depressed about could change in an instant!

The weekend proceeded with some bumps in our relationship "road" but by Saturday night it was breakthrough--city once again! A few of the "hot spots"--read, gnarly challenges that we couldn't seem to overcome despite the best of intentions and hours upon hours of conversation--cooled off in no time, no space. We reached heights in areas of our relationship that we didn't know we could reach!!! It was a weekend full of new discoveries, new insights, new experiences about which we'd truly lost hope.

Trust. Faith. Intention. These are the words that my husband and I took away from our experience in the mountains. Something bigger than us lead us to our destination--literally and figuratively. We realized how hard we hold on sometimes (to beliefs, thoughts, ideals, perceptions, grudges) and that if we could just learn to surrender and let go that the path might just be revealed to us with much less effort! I'm also proud to say that we didn't bicker once during this whole voyage. Not once. We laughed and joked a lot. We expressed our doubts. But we never gave up. We worked together and made "it" happen. I'm proud of us. I'm thankful to the "force" (Star Wars analogy here). I'm grateful to my husband for being willing and to myself for staying in the game. Life is a mysterious adventure, isn't it?

Up Against It--Choosing My Light

I read an article a few years back in which a sociologist stated that we lose 10 I.Q. points when we're angry. So, basically, we get dumber when we're angry. I believe it! I can go from a 41-year-old woman who teaches college-level psychology, is married to a caring, loving man, and who pays her mortgage on time every month to a 10-year-old girl having a temper tantrum--pouting, crying, and, yes, sometimes even cursing or yelling(embarrassing but true).

I know that we all get angry. I know that conflict is a part of life. Heck, even John Gottman who has done 35 years of in-depth research on couples says that conflict is a normal part of relationships. However, he states that the "Master" couples (vs. the "Disaster" couples who end up getting divorced or who stay unhappily married) tend to have more positive interactions than negative interactions in their marriage. In fact, he has devised a standard ratio called the 5 to 1 ratio or "Magic Ratio" based on his 35 years of observing couples communicate. He's found that the "Master" couples have five positive interactions to every negative interaction whereas the "Disaster" couples have significantly fewer positive interactions. This is not reassuring as my husband and I go through this "phase" of bickering, power struggles, tantrums, and silent treatments.

I got married almost a year ago. No one tells you how hard marriage can be. And I say "can be" because it's not always hard. We can fly through months of coasting and feeling connected and like everything is hunky-dory. But when we go through one of those growth periods...Whoa! Maybe there are some people who do not go through hard times or "growth periods" in their relationship. Maybe they are in denial. Maybe they just have a very low-key, calm conflict management style. Maybe they are such a good match that they don't have much conflict. Or, maybe their marriage is slowly simmering without them being aware of it. Who knows? Conflict (aka, hard times) can take many forms. In any case, my marriage can feel really hard sometimes. I've heard people tell me that the first year or two can be this way. In fact, I've heard this from enough people to feel fairly reassured. But the frequency of our fights these days is unnerving.

My husband and I are "passionate" people which means when we have conflict we know how to get in the ring and fight. When we are in this "state" of "passion" inevitably my mind comes up with the standard thoughts and fears, "Maybe we're not a good match", "Maybe this is doomed to failure", "Maybe I'm just not up for this!" Ok, I know that these are not helpful thoughts. I know it would behoove me to go do yoga or meditate or get on my bike and get in touch with my enlightened, wise, "inner self". But damn, if that isn't the last thing I want to do when I'm pissed off! Hmmph!!!

Last year, after a fight with my husband that had resulted in three days of silence between us, I emailed a friend on the third day. She'd been married for 10 years. She's wiser than I (I say that because of the super-wise things she says, the fact that she's read all of Eckhardt Tolle's books, and that she seems to still be wildly in love with her husband and he with her) and obviously has more experience with the whole marriage "thing". I told her I was "in it"; that my husband and I were really in the thick of it. She wrote back, "I don't know what your conflict is about but usually when my husband and I are having a conflict I notice that I am wanting to be right. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Drat. Why do we hang on so tightly to the right or wrong game?

What's that about, anyway? Why do I dig my heals in so? What is the fruit in that? What am I fighting for? Ha! The ego strikes again! I once read that the ego's original purpose (way back when we were first being created) was to define ourselves as individuals. Our skin, thoughts, actions, personality all separated us from other humans so that we weren't one big, mushy pot of human stew. However, the theory goes that we've taken it a bit too far. We've built tall, thick walls to protect ourselves. We are so separate from others that we have a hard time empathizing, loving, forgiving. We walk around with our iPods, cell phones, all sorts of technology that isolates us from others. We've even built walls to keep out God/Spirit/Universal Lifeforce/whatever you want to call that higher wisdom to which we all have access.

I've gained a lot of knowledge over the years. But I sure do have a tough time utilizing it when I'm really "in it." With all the yoga, meditation, and self-reflection I've been doing lately I find myself up against a very poignant question: "Am I going to live by my ego or live by my heart?" In other words, and as my yoga teacher would say, "Am I going to choose to shine my Light or not?" I gotta tell you I am fully aware of what the right answers to these questions are but I am having the toughest time choosing "my heart" and "my Light" (just ask my husband)! As Marianne Williamson says, "You can either choose love or fear." Fear seems to be the winner so far but Love makes a comeback on occasion. Promising--maybe. But not exactly where I want to be on the continuum.

I love my husband. I don't always like what he says or does but I do love him. He is a good, brave, kind-hearted man. I am clearly seeing these days how my anger and defense mechanisms and the neuroses that make-up my ego are getting in the way of me enjoying precious moments with not only my husband, but with my students, family, and friends as well. It's a real shame, but I still have a choice. The game isn't over. With some compassion, support, and deep breathing (and maybe a bike ride or two) I know I can live from my love, light, and heart. If I can keep showing up in my relationship--like I do in yoga--I can move beyond this resistance, these behavior patterns or "samskaras" that keep me locked up within the walls of my ego. It's like those long, deep, persistent, gentle stretches in the Yin yoga practice: the fascia is broken down in order to be rebuilt stronger and more pliable than it was originally. Maybe that's what happens in relationships too. We have to break down the walls of the ego before rebuilding a bigger, stronger, more compassionate heart.