Victim or Creator?

In my psychology classes I do an activity with my students the first week of the term. I ask students to draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper and in the left-hand column write across the top, "I have to..." and then number 1-3 below it. I then ask them to write down three things they have to do. Examples range from "I have to brush my teeth," to "I have to go to work." I then ask them to pair up and repeatedly read their list of "have to" items, each time repeating the words, "I have to." They take turns reading their lists until I say "stop."

Next, I ask them to write across the right-hand column, "I choose to_______ because/so_____ and rewrite their previous list of "to do's" using this new wording. For example, "I choose to brush my teeth, so that I don't get gingivitis," or "I choose to go to work so that I can pay my bills." I then ask them to share this new list with their partner, following the same format as before.

Finally, we talk about how reading the first list differed from reading the second. Some students will say it felt the same and some will say that they feel more motivated by "have to" than "choose to" because there is no question that they will complete the goal or task, especially if it is an important one to them like finishing school or finding work they love. Most students, however, will say that saying "choose to" feels more empowering and freeing than saying "have to." They explain that when they read their "have to" list they felt a heavy weight on them, like they were obligated to do it or like someone was making them do it. On the other hand, the "choose to" list, they say, helps remind them why they are doing the task and this increases their motivation.

We discuss how "have to", while motivating to some, might be more aptly referred to as "victim" language, while "choose to" tends to feel more empowering and therefore might be described as "creator" language. We talk about how, when we choose our actions and behaviors we take ownership of them, we are in the driver's seat, not some higher authority wagging their finger at us, telling us what to do. Therefore, we are creators our lives, no one else.

Why are so many of us resistant to this idea of taking responsibility for our lives? How do creator-types become creator-types? Were they born that way? Or did they learn that it felt better to go through life making lemonade out of lemons instead of sitting by the lemon tree whining and beating their fists on the ground? And if they learned it, who taught them? Or did they teach themselves through observing successful, happy people?

As a college psychology instructor, my guess is that it's a little bit of both. Some of us are born with the propensity towards seeing the glass half full, and some of us are born with the potential for the "half-empty" attitude. Research shows, however, that our genetics do not determine our destiny as a "happy" person or a "melancholic" person. We are not victims of our DNA. Other factors come into play that can tip us one way or the other. Like family, for example, or mentors...

There is a very informative, well-researched documentary out there called, "This Emotional Life" and in it there is a story of a guy who grows up with alcoholic, neglectful parents; they were in a drunk stupor for much of his childhood. As a teenager he was arrested several times for stealing. After getting off on probation for his most recent crime, his probation officer told him that the next time he committed a crime he would be thrown in jail and tried as an adult which could mean a much longer prison sentence. He got a job delivering furniture. One of his deliveries was to a well-to-do surgeon's home in the suburbs. He ended up talking with the surgeon for hours about life and purpose. They ended up spending time together on a regular basis. The surgeon suggested the young man go into medicine. The young man told the surgeon that he didn't even have a high school education so he doubted he would be able to make it to medical school. The surgeon kept encouraging him. The young man eventually became a very well-respected surgeon.

It seems that the power of having a relationship like this--with someone who sees your light, your potential, and who never gives up on you-- is enough to steer you in the right direction. It also seems helpful to have someone in your life who offers unconditional love and support and sits across from you and listens without judgment of your fears, dreams, and hurts. And someone who doesn't buy into your stories about why you don't deserve or can't do or have such and such. Despite this guy's nightmare-ish home environment, he was able to turn his situation around by 1) taking responsibility, and 2) finding someone who encouraged and believed in him.

Another inspiring story of a creator is Randy Pausch's book, The Last Lecture. If you haven't read his book or seen his lecture on Youtube, I highly recommend you check it out. If you are a parent, you may find it even more poignant. Randy Pausch was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer in September 2007. After major abdominal surgery he was cancer free, but the cancer came back and he was given 3-6 months to live. He ended up living four months longer than what doctors predicted. What impressed me most about Pausch's story, was that, not only did he live longer, but he refused to play victim to his diagnosis. His secret? From what I can gather, he was, by nature, a very upbeat, positive person from the beginning (aka, birth) and had very loving, supportive parents who guided him. However, what is most striking about his story is his value-driven existence and his passion for his dreams. He lived according to clear values and beliefs and always had a dream to keep him occupied, whether it was being in zero gravity, playing in the NFL, working for Disney, becoming Captain Kirk, or woo-ing his wife to marry him (if some of these dreams seem unrealistic, check out the book or video, and you'll see how he managed to fulfill all of them). In his lecture, he said, "I don't know how not to have fun!" He seemed to live life with a childlike enthusiasm, even after hearing about his diagnosis. He refused to be a victim.

These stories help remind me to complain less and appreciate more, lighten up and have more fun, and forgive the people who I've perceived have done me wrong. We're all just doing the best we can, right? Like Randy Pausch states in his book, The Last Lecture, "If you wait long enough, people will surprise and impress you...When you're frustrated with people, when they've made you angry, it just may be because you haven't given them enough time....People will show you their good side. Almost everybody has a good side. Just keep waiting. It will come out."