Autoimmune Disease: Dealing with Relapse

Over the past few months I've been feeling more vitality in my day-to-day life. However, with increased work demands, financial limitations, and, as a result, less money for yoga, I've experienced a relapse in my health. It's disappointing to say the least, but as a psychology instructor who teaches about change and relapse, I should know better, right? Wrong! It's a whole other ballgame when it hits so close to home.

A little over a week ago, I had a more intense teaching schedule than usual. Now, I should mention that "intense" for me is very different from my colleagues' definition of the word. One of my colleagues is around my age and is currently teaching 6 1/2 classes! I am teaching 3 1/2. But when you have an autoimmune disease of which fatigue is one of the primary symptoms, it doesn't take much to tip you over the edge. I should also mention that one of the classes I was teaching that week consisted of ten hours of teaching over two days--2 1/2 hours on Friday and 8 hours on Saturday. It's tiring even when you don't have a chronic illness. I was actually feeling pretty energetic and upbeat going into Friday's class, but I could tell that I wasn't as excited to teach as I usually am. I just didn't have the usual va-va-voom energy. But I got through the class with flying colors---aka, no one ran out of the room screaming, many students thanked me for a fun and informative class, and I felt good about the job I'd done.

That evening, however, I was pooped. I ended up going to bed at 9pm and waking up the next morning at 9am. Yes folks, that's a 12-hour night of sleep. Now, before you get jealous and start wishing you had the freedom to sleep so long, realize that even 12 hours of sleep didn't cure my deep exhaustion. I'd worked Friday evening to Saturday evening, slept 12 hours, proceeded to spend the day with my husband's parents (we had a great time, by the way), and felt pretty good when I hit the pillow. But, when Monday morning came around, it felt like someone hit me over the head with a baseball bat. I dragged myself out of bed and into work, however, after teaching my first class I was even more exhausted. I decided to head home. I ended up taking the rest of the week off--6 days off, to be exact.

The following Saturday I pulled a 13-hour night of sleep. Again, I know you are thinking, "So, what is your problem? I'm lucky if I get 6 hours a night with the baby crying, my kids waking me up at dawn, and my insomnia kicking in at all hours of the night". But again, let me explain. You think that 6 days off cured my exhaustion? Not quite. Obviously, by Saturday I was bushed...again. How did this happen? Every day that week I took time to read, relax, nap, eat good food, take light walks, stretch, meditate, take deep breaths. You'd think with a schedule like that I'd be good to go!

Well, admittedly, I did feel better today (Monday) when I woke up. I actually felt pretty energetic after teaching both of my classes. But I was miffed that it took me more than 6 days of relaxation and 7 nights of luxurious sleep to get there!

After some frustration, tears, and fear that I would never "feel like myself again"--read that as, having the energy to drive across town on any given day to run arrends, enjoy the company of friends, see a movie, go to an art show, or take a walk--I came to a realization: What if I never feel like myself again? Would that be so bad? Would days filled with relaxation, yoga, less teaching and more writing, having friends over more often, and sticking close to home to read a book or enjoy our garden or spend time cuddling with my husband be such a bad life? Hmmm. What exactly am I complaining about again?

I will tell you what (oh, did you think I was going to get all enlightened on you? Well, hold on, I'm getting there)! I'm complaining about the fact that I can't be the woman I used to be. That is, I can't fit as many tasks into a day; I can't go out to as many parties or bars or art shows or music shows in a week; I can't teach as many students or grade as many papers; I can't work out at the gym for an hour each day; I can't drink multiple glasses of wine or eat sugary desserts; I can't multi-task or people-please or be highly productive. Hmmmm.....again I ask, what exactly am I complaining about?

It is an adjustment, this new level of energy. I certainly won't deny that there have been growing pains, resistance, temper-tantrums, and tears. My identity my whole life has been one of "do-er" extraordinaire! I am a strong, kick-ass woman who can lift anything, do anything, get anything done you need doing! But those days may be over forever and it's time I accepted it. It is a new era of putting myself first without being self-centered; spending time with friends on my own terms while still extending a helping hand and a compassionate heart; exercising without overdoing it; serving my students while remaining calm, peaceful, grounded, and relaxed. It's about doing things differently. Doing less, being more and when I find myself needing to "do", doing in a way that is sustainable to my body, mind, heart and soul. End of story.

So, have I been feeling sorry for myself? Hell, yes! Will I in the future? Probably! But what if I just let go, surrendered, accepted my place in the river of life right where I am? I am aware that the people who new me as the old Margaret may not "get it" or even want the new me. This is scary, but, at the same time, freeing! Who will I attract to the me now? Maybe people who really "get" the new Margaret!! Hey, sounds pretty good! I am also aware that I may not be able to bring in as much money as I once could by working more hours, but hey, if I follow my heart, how can I not attract abundance? Like attracts like, right?

I am feeling challenged these days, but I am hopeful. Lately, my days have brought extreme neck and shoulder pain, the heaviness of exhaustion, irritability about the smallest things (oh, my poor husband), impatience at having to take things so slowly, and frustration that I don't have as much vitality as I'd like to have. My fuse is short. My sleeping hours are long. My time with friends is less frequent. My need to slip into bed and read a book in the middle of the afternoon, more frequent. You get the drift. I'm in transition and sometimes I am kicking and screaming my way through all the changes. But, when I get quiet, when I take the time to slow down and rest, I hear my inner voice of wisdom guiding me along the path. I trust that voice with all my heart. I really do. It wouldn't lead me down a path that didn't have some gifts awaiting me. Just because many of my fellow humans are still traveling at the speed of sound does not mean that I need to, and it doesn't make them or me right or wrong. It's just my time to slow it down...big time! And why not enjoy those slow, innocent kiddie rides again? I've spent most of my life whirling on those roller coasters. It's time to get off and take it easy.

All that said, my neck is sore, my stomach hungry, my mind tired. I think I'll lay down now and take a big, 'ol nap!! Sleep tight!