Falling Awake

Over the weekend my husband and I attended Falling Awake-- a transformational personal growth workshop facilitated by a cool dude named, Dave Ellis. Dave has coached some of the most powerful people in the world, including Nobel Peace Prize winner, Muhammad Yunus and author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series, Jack Canfield. He presented 13 Success Strategies throughout the weekend and gave us plenty of chances to practice them, write about them, and talk about what we learned. One of the many concepts we learned was about letting go of antagonism--even antagonistic (aka, sarcastic) humor. Dave suggested that in any life or relationship struggle, try standing in the other person's shoes and express to them what you think they're saying rather than trying to convince them how right you are. Dave went one step further by suggesting we let go of antagonism towards ourselves and our lives altogether, by "loving it all, " that is, letting go of resistance and attachment to whatever is happening. Love the criticism your friend just expressed, love the traffic jam, love the credit card debt. What we resist, persists, right?

My yoga instructor uses the metaphor of accepting one's place in the river, rather than swimming upstream or yearning to be downstream. Buddhism advises that we let go of our attachment to desire rather than grasping at it. It's been said in many different ways, but the message is the same--let go, relax, accept what is, stop resisting. We've all heard this before, but it's one thing to hear it and another thing to practice it.

In addition to letting go of antagonism, we learned how to "Listen for Brilliance." Basically, this means listening without asking questions, giving advice, or piggy-backing ("Oh, you broke your leg? Well let me tell you all about how I broke my leg in the summer of '85"). You simply listen for the brilliance in the other person by encouraging them to say more via your inviting nonverbal communication (head nodding, smiling, wide-eyed interest) or by prompting them verbally with expressions like "Really?", "Tell me more" and the like. No fixing, directing or interrupting. After doing several listening-for-brilliance exercises with other peeps in the workshop, a participant described her experience this way, "When I listen for content, I become critical. When I listen for brilliance I listen with compassion." Many participants expressed this in so many words. It seems that when we stopped busying ourselves with fixing or directing or reflecting, we stopped listening with our heads and started listening with our hearts. Powerful stuff.

Dave described how all of us have grown up in an antagonistic culture; a culture that loves to debate, argue, and prove how right we are. Listening, in my opinion, is a revolutionary (and, at first, difficult) act. It takes a lot of presence. However, as my husband and I practiced this skill over dinner one night after one of the workshop days, we realized how relaxing, rich, and beneficial it can be. I am a chronic-interrupter, but during dinner I practiced zipping my lip and letting my husband finish his thoughts. I was amazed by how much more I learned about my husband in just an hour! It almost felt like we were dating again--when we'd have those 3-hour phone conversations, late into the night and we'd hang up all excited for the next time we got to talk.

Throughout the workshop, as we practiced the skill of "Listening for Brilliance," I also realized that being on the other end of this kind of listening was incredibly freeing...and revealing. When I felt someone was truly listening I found my own answers to questions or problems, and felt much more centered and articulate. I remembered how many times in my conversations with family, friends, and co-workers I was interrupted, given unsolicited advice or felt like the person was losing interest in what I was saying. Because of this, I tried to hurry through what I was saying such that my original message became warped and convoluted. This "new" way of listening felt incredible. I got to relax into what I was trying to express, and likewise, as the listener, I let go of my agenda and just relaxed into what the other person was saying. It was actually a relief not to feel the pressure of having to say something wise or smart or helpful.

In my last post I talked about letting go of unrealistic expectations. When I did this, I stopped resisting--my husband, my students, my supervisor, the guy who ran a stop sign and almost rammed into my car. I've practiced this for over a week now and it's felt great! I've laughed more with my students than I ever have. I don't get stuck on their level of attention or hooked by their bouts of side-talking and I praise them more generously, listen to them more readily, and, guess what? I am experiencing much less resistance and antagonism from them--actually none-- and am noticing a lot more joy, laughter, and curiosity in the classroom. I'm actually rediscovering my joy for teaching. It feels awesome! As for my husband, when I listen to him deeply, he responds with warmth, more expression and compassion, and lot's of love. Yum! I suspect that the next time he wants to advise me on what temperature to cook the chicken, if I listen to him and don't resist, I may even feel supported by this gesture! Not always maybe, but it's quite possible that if I let go more, and resist less I will be less apt to feel like he is interfering or criticizing and more like he just wants to help out. Aaaah! Peace in the kitchen, once again....and with the man I love--even better. Wahoo!