Celebrate Those Mistakes!

Here's some great wisdom that I recently learned about making mistakes: 1) Mistakes build awareness and awareness helps us figure out how we want to do it differently next time.

2) We are human and part of being human is making mistakes, therefore, "I reserve the right to be human." This is very freeing advice for me as I have always been very hard on myself for making mistakes. I'm not sure why, as I remember my dad sitting down with me when I was young and explaining to me that mistakes really are "ok" and a normal, natural part of life. Despite this loving advice, somewhere along the line I fell into the belief that making mistakes was wrong, bad, not allowed, which really is a bunch of hooey! How do we learn if we don't make mistakes? I will even argue that it's okay to make the same mistake twice, three times, or even twenty or hundred or a thousand times, because chances are that we really aren't making the same mistake but rather we are growing with each attempt-- even if it's in very small increments. Furthermore, we will keep making the same mistake until we "get it" on a visceral level. No one can teach us this. There are some lessons in life we must experience for ourselves in a deeply experiential, firsthand way in order to once and for all, change the belief, habit, pattern, etc. Remember that friend who kept dating the "bad boys" because she claimed all the nice guys were too boring? Everyone told her she deserved better, but it wasn't until she was sick and tired of the drama and heartbreak that she moved on to Mr. Nice Guy, who, by the way, is far from boring--he kisses like an italian lover, has smart, funny and interesting things to say, and actually cooks, cleans, and does laundry!

3) Celebrate your mistakes....and everything else in your life for that matter. And, by the way, this is not a bunch of superficial Norman Vincent Peale positive mental attitude brainwashing hoo-ha. This is the real deal. If we know we've made a mistake then we can celebrate the new awareness we have about how we want to "be" in the world differently. Maybe instead of beating ourselves up over it or, worse, denying it altogether as a means for preserving our fragile ego, we can say, "Wow! Look at that! I really want to do that differently next time. What is a goal I can set around this issue?" or "Cool. Another new awareness. I am really growing." What's the use of lashing ourselves with a wet noodle all day long? It's completely self-serving and doesn't help us move forward. Plus, it does a number on our self-esteem. This concept has helped me snap out of years of depression. I mean it. It's been that powerful!

I've found that when I make a daily practice of genuinely stepping back and taking a look at my life I can always find things to celebrate. It's about where I decide to put my attention--on all the stuff not working or all the stuff that is? It's similar to daily gratitude in that you make a practice of thinking, writing, and/or saying several things you appreciate about your life throughout each day. Here is an example of how I used this idea just this morning. Last night I had one of those fitful nights of sleep where I was tossing and turning all night long, up every hour, and cranky as hell. I woke up thinking, "There is no way I am going to work today! I'm tired. I'm cranky. And all I want to do is finish reading Keith Richards' biography in bed all day. Hrrumph!" Well, before I made any final decisions about my day, I made a choice of listing three things I could celebrate about my life. I don't remember what I listed, but it worked. Within minutes I was out of bed, getting my lunch ready to take to work. It also helped to repeat my life purpose a few times (btw, my life purpose is to be a creative, positive force in the world, inspiring people to be their best). I realized that going to work would be much more purposeful and exhilarating than lying in bed all day feeling sorry for myself. Indeed, I had a great day and really celebrated the time I spent with my students.

Equally as important, I did not deny that I was tired, rather I acknowledged that I was a bit groggy and, as a result, changed my lesson plan to adapt to my low energy and foggy brain. It turned out to be a lot more fun than the lecture I had originally planned. Ten minutes into class everyone was chatting and laughing and discussing up a storm. Good stuff. Oh, and another thing I recently learned is that bragging is a form of celebration. That's right, no need to play small to make other people feel better about themselves. Try it and see. Usually people will be inspired by your confidence. I am experimenting with this one more and more and it is a lot of fun. I haven't perfected the "celebrate your mistakes" part yet, but I suspect that it will have a similar affect as the concept of "Celebrate everything in your life" has had--magical!

4) Here's one that I learned several years ago. Sometimes when I just can't let go of a mistake and find that I am beating myself up over it I actually "rewrite" it in my mind. For example, that interaction with my student that didn't go so well? I imagine it going just the way I wished it had and then I decide to accept it as my new reality. I know this sounds loopy and maybe even like denial, but it saves your self-esteem and makes it much more likely that you will handle the next interaction in just the way you'd "wishfully" imagined it. Besides, if you believe in alternate universes, you've just stepped onto a different plane altogether where that old reality is--POOF!--non-existant.

If you don't believe in alternative universes then here is some helpful trivia: Our brain doesn't know the difference between yesterday, today or tomorrow, so why not trick it into believing that all was, is, and will be well? Researchers know that ruminating or obsessing over and over about a negative situation can lead to depression and stress. Reappraisal is when we step outside of the situation and look at it from an objective perspective--like we're in a movie theatre watching it on the big screen from the audience's perspective. When we think in this more detached way, our heart rate and respiratory rate slows and we feel less stress and a greater sense of well-being. In addition, reappraisal makes it more likely that we will respond in a more positive, rational way the next time we are confronted with a similar issue. This is because practicing objectivity in this way helps form new neural pathways from our prefrontal cortex (our rational brain) to our amygdala (the gland located in our limbic brain which is responsible for our "fight or flight" response). In other words, our prefrontal cortex is more likely to tell our amygdala to "Cool it" rather than let this irrational, reactive gland take over the show (remember all those times you let something hurtful or angry slip out of your mouth? You can blame the amygdala for your flagrant impulsivity). Take this whole concept a step further, and imagine a more pleasing outcome to that negative situation and you barely have to spend any time at all dwelling on what actually happened. All is well. You can put it to rest. You've imagined a new, more pleasing outcome! Tah dah!

5) Lastly, if you really have done damage to someone, you can make amends. I've noticed that when I apologize or say something like, "I don't like how I handled that, can we start over?" or "I'm really sorry for the pain I caused you. What can I do to make it up to you?" or "Can you forgive me for the pain I caused you?" it really promotes growth and forgiveness in the relationship. It shows humility to admit when you are wrong. Even if--and especially if-- you are in a position of authority. Family therapists will tell you that functional parents admit their mistakes and show a willingness to change their behavior. By doing this, they model humility for their children, making it possible for their kids to admit mistakes and make changes as needed. And who respects a leader or manager who won't admit their mistakes? Everyone can see they've messed up, so why not just admit it, set a goal, and move on? It models humility for everyone in the organization. All that said, this does not mean that you need to profusely apologize for your mistakes. One heartfelt apology will do. After all, we are all human, right? No need to keep punishing ourselves. Which leads me to my last point...

I think we are way too hard on ourselves as a society and, for that matter, way too hard on each other. I was listening to a show on NPR the other day about a defense attorney who represented death row inmates in Texas. He said that, while most of his clients are indeed guilty, 99% of them are not the same person they were when they committed their heinous crimes. In fact, he described a middle-aged inmate who had murdered a man when he was 19--a burglary gone wrong. The defense attorney stated that, having known the amount of soul searching and community service this man had done since his crime, he would have trusted the man enough to babysit his 5-year-old son alone--without hesitation. He submitted evidence from prison guards who witnessed this man's upstanding behavior on a daily basis, but to no avail. He was given lethal injection, despite evidence that he was a changed man. And we don't have to go to this extreme to see this lack of forgiveness in action. Just listen to people talk about their families, bosses, friends. It's hard to forgive people for their mistakes and to believe that they can grow and change. Instead, we punish them over and over for their "sins"--either outright or inside of our heads. I know this, because I've done it myself.

Our whole society seems structured around punishment. I see it in our educational system as well. We instructors are supposed to grade our students' performance in order for them to earn a degree. I can tell you from firsthand experience that most students do not look at these grades as useful feedback for ways they can learn and grow from their "mistakes." Just the opposite--they see them as either rewards (if the grade is to their liking)or punishment (anything less than this). It's very sad to watch. The whole point of education--learning for the sake of learning--has been lost in this reward and punishment system.

Here's my point..... Let's give ourselves a break, huh? Neither punishment nor denial helps us learn from our mistakes and grow into more enlightened people. If we give ourselves permission to be human, ironically enough, we experience more freedom and, as a result, we are less likely to make the same mistakes over and over again because we are looking forward instead of backward. Ever try driving down the freeway while constantly looking in your rearview mirror? Forgiveness is a powerful force....and definitely something to celebrate!